Give me a sign. Give me a dream to hold onto.

I've been away for far too long. I'm sorry. But it was necessary. End of the semester along with a break in sanity is not a great time to be spending time ranting on the internet. But the semester is finished, and finals are complete. Sanity is still...well I don't really know. I try to clear my mind, I try to clear my heart, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Over the last month I've found bits of lots of things in both. Partly because of the time of year, partly because of circumstances in life, but either way - I have more ghosts and demons than usual.

Christmas: some people love it, some people hate it. Some people celebrate family, some people try and get through with it all because spending an entire day with all your relatives and having them bring up every thing you've done wrong 'out of love' is just too much. I'm...I don't much like this holiday, not because I feel that Christmas is wrong or that I don't like celebrating it, but this is a season to remember thing's I'd rather not. Not easy when you have a physical reminder marring your flesh. We all have a time to live, and we all live for peace. Well I had it, and thanks to love and friendship I lost it. Here's to the season of bitterness, and to hopes that I don't have to wait as long as everyone says. And for those opposed who 'care', please please please, let me be next time.

But time passes. Floats around us. Does bugger all. Yay time.

Christmas is the time of Joy. Hope. Forgiveness and the new year. New life. New birth. But it's also the time we burn each other the most. We don't deserve it. We don't need to tear ourselves further to bits over petty shit. So so pointless. Everything.

I want a moment of peace. I want to have the black. Cold and numb, everything is gone. Sit in nothingness and be nothing. I want to stop wondering, about what I'm doing, where I am, who I am. I want to escape myself for an eternity and never come back to all this, never com back to watching pain and knowing nothing. To seeing people torn apart and just watching, wanting to step in, to comfort, to say something that fixes it all. But I don't. It's just too much of who I was years ago and not who I am now.

The angel who stood by your side, watched over you, protected you under my wings. Still haven't left your side, still keeping my promise, but it's been so long now, there's not much left of that. Broken wings, still protecting, but no longer any comfort. Just a shadow of something great, nothing like the great creatures I see around you.

Haha, always strange explaining that away. "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing. The wall."

....On crazy people:

Right. So news: finished the semester, had one last gathering with good people at apu, drove up with Ellen and Kathryn, did christmas shopping, saw Rosales (I'm not home until I've seen friends), and now spending time with my aunt until xmas parties. Then a few days without internet, then back home for new years and hopefully to see the other Horsemen, then god-knows-what until I have to go back to socal.

Spent about an hour tonight making some magic decks because we started playing at school. We do figure out ways to waste our time. And oh, how we waste it.

I'm truly very sorry. Don't know if it matters. Don't know what else to say. Don't know why I'm saying it. Sorry if it's seemed as though I've been lost to you I guess. But I never left. I never do. Always, always there. It's the only thing I know, the only place where I know what to do completely.

Grab onto that last ember before it goes out and just run. Burns like hell, scars badly, but somehow I feel that something's finally right. Something in the pain reminds me I'm alive to feel something. The scar goes with all the others, but this one I'll remember, because this one is me. Hahahaha, and a fire in my eyes. Good timing of musical lyrics.

Listening to Pride and Fall. Got me through last xmas break when I was working in the factory, listened to My Little on my way to work each day. Now it's Adored to try and remember all that's burned away since...i can't even remember how long it's been. too long.

*sigh*

soon to be 10 years. I think I can prove them wrong though, I think I can pull it off this year. So that's MY new years resolution - finish it by the end of 2010. Against it? Stop me. I need a challenge. Time to fly again.

Haha ^_^

To the darkened skies once more, and ever onward.

-Umbra Obscura

Can you see what I see? Can you hear what I hear?

Visions of destruction, the sound of fear. The source of my evil is inside you, dear.

Sorry for being gone for so long. I'll return soon, though, because it's in my nature. Always there, invisible in the shadows. Until then,

Cheers,

Umbra Obscura

I've Been Invited by the Light of the Moon

Going to keep this one short because I'd like to get some sleep tonight.

Bullets. Bullets are good. Except that I don't want to format them...so hyphens it is.

-Calvin and Hobbes is not the book you should read to lull yourself to sleep. You will laugh and wake yourself and your roommate up.

-Paranoia runs the brain, slowly drives a man insane.

-Nosebleeds are back - THANK GOD!!! (this means a break from the headache)

-Berlin gets the greatest weather EVER, and I'm very jealous.

-I forgot how cold I get after a nosebleed.

-You either don't understand, don't want to understand, or I'm putting too much (and I'm not putting in much) effort to see if you even care. I'm sorry. It's all I can say. As usual.

-Ryuk is always welcome to visit me.

-Stick with strawberry, although coconut wasn't too bad.

-The world is far too bright, and far too loud - super awesome to get away from that tonight.

-P.S. You're wrong, btw.

-Last night my shadow went to heaven, my body here, my soul in hell.

-Ryuk, I have apples.

-Self, I have 3 more tayaki! ^_^

-County of LA, State of CA - I want my money back, and I'd be glad to finish what I started.

-Today I woke to a rain of blood.

-I'm feeling pale, and I'd like to take pictures - but when both hands are covered in blood it can get on my camera.

-I'll accept your challenge, if you think you can beat me.

-L, you lose. Light wins. I'm happy.

-This is my rifle, it is my life.

-P.P.S. And why??? Seriously? You cannot possibly think this is worth it. You can't possibly be enjoying this?

-I want your blood.

-Crackers and tea improve focus by 10%

-'Til there is no enemy.

-My element is water. Fire is my opposite. I'm finding this more and more ironic and true as of late.

-There are lots of little things in this post for people who get it.

-I want you to feel my pain. I cut my name in your heart, I can't live without your love. I want to drown in your blood. I can't live with your pain, but I can't live, I can't live without your love.

-Grim Optimism

-I fell up the other day

-Getting four guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing L4D2 is awesome. We do exceptionally well.

-Getting two guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing Settlers is TERRIBLE. We do exceptionally poorly.

-A nosebleed would be much better during class than during my sleep. Cleaner, and more productive.

-I have a red pillow that says I never lied about the 'pint'

-In solitary heaven the victimized are bound by love from within.

-It's already been 45 minutes, this is the longest short post ever.

FYI, if you're reading this, I've just described everything since the last post and all the things I left out of the last post. If it's directed at 'you' it's probably not directed at YOU. Unless you're actually reading this, in which case, yes, it's at you, and you should go back and check some of the other stuff. Or you can decide to keep this up, sadly I don't care, which is why I'm here - I don't know you're reasons.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Kill Me Now or Never

It's late. (you're eyes cross with someone)

I'm not going to be typing lyrics to The Siren right now. Lyrics to other songs, most definitely, but not that one. Too happy. Ish. This is going to be a strange post, not writing to tell you anything interesting, or to fill you in on my week. Maybe if I were sane, but that's kind of far off right now. This is my official admittance to having a mental break. Something finally snapped a little bit ago and over the last few days it's finally settled in. Please don't ask me why, please don't think you can magically fix it. To the first I don't know, and to the second I'll handle it, and I don't need support. Honestly, that's one of the factors that pushes me to the breaking point for a lot of other things. I don't need help to fix things, I've spent years doing it on my own, adding you into the equation isn't going to create a super team. You're going to get in my way, or take up my time, and in general just not help.

That being said, we're great. We now have no issues. Or maybe we do. Idk. I do know that something's off though. I've been losing my ability to keep it together lately. Usually I can keep a thought to myself long enough to not ruin someone's day, or come up with something nice to say to make it better, etc. Not anymore. And it doesn't bother me. And that's the part that bothers me. When something is not right, you usually know and try and fix it. In this case, I know I'm capable of focusing and working it all out, but I just don't care. Tonight's an exception. Tonight I get it, and I'm curious. So this is my post - me working out my thoughts for you to read. Pretty much just a transcript of me talking to myself, so feel free to ignore this one, or to go ahead and read it, but I strongly urge you to not read too heavily into it, since I'm probably going to digress at some points and I have no idea where I'm going with this one. Like I said previously, there is no theme. Art for art's sake, if you will.

I'll never turn away

I'll make you believe

I know

It doesn't matter what you say

It shows in everything I'm not

The first question I ask myself is, how far gone am I really? Is it all in my head? I'm probably over reacting. Then I get the news that I have a new cousin, and go through the motions, follow the script. Called my uncle to congratulate him, and send out best wishes and all that, and at the end of the call I had this epiphany. The first girl cousin, the fifth and youngest in my generation (Me, Bug, Lex, Lucosite, and now her). In half a second on the phone I realized that she is going to grow up in this world, raised by our family, and the four just mentioned are going to be the greatest influence on her. She's going to grow up smart. She's going to grow up around boys so she'll be tough. She's the only girl, so she'll be spoiled. But it's the family members that got me. Something in my gut just said, 'look at what's offered'. I realized she's going to get to around this age, and she's going to be pretty much perfect. Not in the way that you the reader are thinking (if you're still reading). Among other things, she's going to be incredibly smart, have an attitude, and she's going to have a cynical streak that's going to rip people apart. She's going to be a mix of all that we are. Now, I'm the cynical one, and I see this working out perfectly. It makes sense. But it's also sad. She'll be perfect at either being an amazing person, or she'll decide to be like me, and she'll be perfect at it. Intelligence would make the cynical attitude work waaay better. Unfortunately I'm male - We're lacking. And after I realized all of this, I just paused, then started laughing my head off in the message. There's nothing amusing about it. I don't even know what I realized. But it was funny as hell. Probably a strange message to hear later though.

Did I disappoint you?

Did I let you down?

Did I stand on the shore and watch you as you drowned?

So that's one part of it. And not a big one. Yes, the cousin is a big thing, but I don't blame a newborn for me losing my mind, only for making Christmas dinner more entertaining. I'm kind of excited to be there when someone yells at her, and the apology has something to do with a sugar imbalance. Which while true, doesn't really seem to fit, diabetes is a sugar imbalance, that? that's an estrogen Molotov Cocktail.

Another part might be the disappearance of insomnia. Oh JOY!!! No. I miss it. I remember now why I hate sleeping. Sleeping means dreaming. Dreaming means I see things I'd rather not. I remember hating because of dreams. I remember wanting to beat a man near death because of something that wasn't real but kept showing up every night. I remember waking up sickened. I remember waking up terrified because losing someone you love hurts even when it's not real. I remember lying to myself. I remember the smell of dried blood, and shivering uncontrollably while you woke up with your skin burning. I remember death every night. And that's all I do now, I remember. Now the dreams only bother me because they don't bother me. I see horrible things and I don't feel anything when I wake up this time. But I remember what I was taught. It's wrong. And it is. It's awful. So why do I see it if I don't feel? Why should I see it when it doesn't matter? I fail to see the point. Anael said I was the dreamer. It's what my name means. But why dream when you don't care? Why dream when you don't see anything? Tell me now Anael, why does it matter? Why do I dream when what I dream about means nothing? Why does it start with you and then never end even when you're gone?

When you lost your mind

I lost the will

I can't change anything for anyone but me

I cut my name in your heart to ensure the memories remain. I never will release the pain. This is duplicitous - for you and Kennith. Also, get out of my head. Both of you. Kennith, you just suck in general, and even though I know you'll be in my head until I die, I'd still like you out; you make life very difficult for me. But I also know that you have as little choice as I do. So, suffer well. As for you, you need a name in all this. There are quite a few to use, but I'll stick with Mihr. It was mine once, and I deserved to lose it, now you can have it. It's ironically fitting right now as well. I don't get it. At some point you'll have to explain somethings to me, or things will just progress like they are now. Honestly, I'm not a fan, I prefer anything but this actually. You baffle me. And yes, get out of my head. Not for the same reason as Kennith, that's a matter of hate. You don't belong there. Not right now anyways. You should be somewhere better, and instead you're here. And this is where I get more confused, I feel for this. It saddens me that you're here. That you settle for this. Why? Why does it matter? Or maybe it doesn't, but then again, why? You shouldn't be like me. You should be like you. Individuality and all that aside, you need to find something better. You haven't hit bottom, and you shouldn't be trying. But you are. You're diving down almost as fast as I am, and you shouldn't be. You should be reaching new heights. Is it really that bad? Is it really so bad you can't step past it? Or maybe you don't want to. Maybe you want to feel the pain a little longer, because the pain makes you feel more alive than the joy. Maybe there isn't enough joy right now, so you'll settle for more feelings even though they're negative just so you can have something.

I'm breaking down...

I question why I made this sacrifice.

I wish you wouldn't though. I wish you'd try. Or if you're really going to go for bottom, then truly give up. If I have to see you throw it away, then at least remove hope of your salvation. You're can't get me to stop wanting to see you choose differently though. With you I feel, and that's something I don't know well enough to turn off. Not that I would, something has to matter. I really hate it right now though, there's a difference between a dive and a free-fall. I still hope for you.

I want to drown in your blood.

Bring a .45 you said.

I'll make you believe.

Do you believe in the nobility of suicide? No. But we both know you believe in the blood lush. We both know you crave that last drop of life, even as you watch it slip. Why? Because nothing matters. Something forgotten, something ignored. Something is missing, and we don't care anymore. And is the day you try? No. You're not dead yet. You're dying slowly, but you're not really gone. You're still here, and you still have time. So we sit and we wait, and when that day finally comes maybe you'll have time to fix it. All pain undone. You think you'll have the chance to do something right? You hope. But you're probably not going to get it. You're going to die with nothing because you stopped caring. You stopped trying. You lost hope and you didn't look for more. You hope for hope. It's an endless cycle. Maybe you'll get something. Maybe you'll finally give in to M. You'll find something, and you won't let go no matter what happens. You won't lose hope when you have nothing. You'll find something on the inside. You'll finish your cup of tea and go to bed instead of telling yourself you can fight sleep. Sure, you've killed three hours and you got almost everything done. But was it worth it? Did it matter? Did you really put out an effort? A for absolutely none, remember?

I tried to kill you, drugs booze and noise.

I tried to forget you but I still hear your voice.

You're not trying to forget them. You're trying to forget yourself. You're not trying to feel again, you're trying to scar yourself over enough that you don't feel at all anymore. You chose to fall but you're aiming for obstacles to break the pain of the landing. You got lost and you didn't even look for the path again, you just kept walking. But that's you isn't it? You don't want to be in the driver's seat. You don't want to try, because you're afraid you'll mess it up. And you will. But you need to do it. You need to suck it up. You need to finish your tea. You need to clean off your bed. You need to remember something good.

Get.

Out.

Of My.

Enough.

Get.

Out.

Of My.

Of My Head.

Think of something.

Update 1

There dog mentioned in the last post will not be. So sorry for the inconvenience to you readers.

-Umbra Obscura

No Sense of Empathy

Corrupt in word and deed

I hate you for what you represent

I hate you for your greed

'Greed' by Assemblage 23 off their new album Compass. Good album. Good song.

Soooo, once again, I've forgotten what my last post was. I think it covered last weekend though. So I guess this post will cover this weekend. Even though it's only Saturday. And only 8. Feels later.

Right now I'm listening to 'Get Out of My Head' off of Today We Are All Demons. This is one of those weeks when I think I want to listen to a specific beat, but in reality I'm more interested in a specific message. This song offers both. Plus it goes about it with the dark positivity that only Combichrist can deliver. *_^

Yesterday we were going to see Christopher Titus live in Brea. It was for 21+ though, so we will now be going tomorrow night. Which means I have lots to do during the day or I don't go. Today we went to PetCo to look at the animal adoptions and get a puppy. We didn't. No, instead we went to the ASPCA and got papers to get Persephone on Tuesday. We were looking at all the puppies and Ryan and Jessica pointed her out curled up and sleeping. We whistled to get her attention and see how cute she was (we were looking for a particular kind of cute)...and we picked her. ^_^

So we will be rescuing a dog on Tuesday. I'm happy, I need something to care about - and for some reason I still feel for dogs. It's an animal thing. People...idk, I just can't do it - I don't remember how to feel anymore, so I can't act it as well anymore. I won't have to pretend with Persephone. I hope.

History of the name: in short - Greek queen of the underworld. Wife of Hades. And a story that you should read because it's really good and I don't want to explain it. I'll post pictures at some point probably.

Today I spent some time with Kari, who was visiting from NORCAL with her bf. Tons of fun, even though it was only 2 or so hours. We played pool, talked, had coffee, talked, and in general jut talked. That's how you tell the people that are worth it - you always have something to talk about OR you're completely comfortable without saying a word. Or both.

It's only Saturday and it's been a lot of fun. have lots of time to kill the rest of the evening though, so I'm probably going to start bugging Michael to go to Donut Man. I want to get a Tiger Tail. Nom nom nom.

So that is my weekend.

But that wasn't my week. The 5th of November was this week. And it was fun. I had no class, I watched V for Vendetta twice, in honour of the holiday, and got to hang out with Ellen for a bit too, which was quite fun (as it usually is). There was also an incident with some food colouring that led to some very fun comments from people. VERY amusing.

That made my week. Speaking of weeks, only a few left until thanksgiving and then the Aesthetic Perfection concert following night after *_^ (any guess as to whether I care about the concert or the holiday more? hahahaha)

And now my rants aren't even making sense to me, so I'm going to go find something to do.

I'll leave you with something though: Music. Since I don't know what I'm listening to, you can look these up and maybe offer a suggestion. Or just enjoy.

Spilling Blood - Necessary Response - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96T1ulxMT5w

Only in my Mind - Imperative Reaction - http://twiturm.com/jn7aw

Get Out of My Head - Combichrist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me1v37wflpA&feature=related

Please Enjoy Responsibly

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

P.S. I also got Aesthetic Perfection's first album in prep for the concert, and I must admit - I heart. Also, they have done a remix of I Kissed a Girl which is available for free on their website. It's epic. Double <3

Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-q-wGMuga8

The Rain Will Wash Me Away

-_*

That is the closest I can get to the Combichrist symbol. Shame. That would be super awesome to post on the blog in the text. Please don't confuse this with my actual wink, that would be *_^ - right eye winking, not left. And mine is way happier. Ironic.

Anyways, thought I'd fill you in on the Combichrist/All Saints Day stuff I talked about in the last post. Thursday night I hit up the midnight showing with Ellen, Kyle and Tyler - and we are kind of disappointed. Not what we were expecting at all, and there was a lot that kind of killed the movie. But we had a fun time going together.

Now FRIDAY on the other hand... ^_^

I don't even know where to begin. I'll just skip through the day, cause that didn't really matter (most days don't anyways - and rightfully so - what is supposed to happen to make a day matter? What is supposed to happen to make a day significant?), and I'll just go straight to the fun part. We saw Combichrist live.

Here's what makes this even more fun: I went with Nate. Nate has no experience with this genre live (and all his experience with this genre in general is from listening to my songs). Nate has no real experience with Goth culture. Nate has no real experience with Industrial culture. The concert was at Das Bunker. Das Bunker is a Goth/Industrial club. I've been missing my culture. I've been missing going clubbing. We combined all these together, and you got a VERY happy Joe, a Nate who found a new joy in life, and a totally awesome night.

Das Bunker is one of my new favourite places on earth. The entire Earth. It makes SoCal kind of worth it (KIND OF!).

The concert itself was amazing. I completely understand why Ronan Harris loves Combichrist now. While we were there we also enjoyed the club's scene before and after the concert without having to be pressed up against the stage. Before the concert we bought shirts - no picture: I'm too lazy and it's not as important as the VNV Concert. After the concert we hung out for a bit and listened to music and saw more of the costumes (Scooby-Doo accompanying Snow White for the win ^_^), and then bought the vinyl for Today We Are All Demons then rushed back to the mod to listen to it (ended up waiting until the next morning because everyone was asleep). Fantastic concert, featuring almost every song I've mentioned on in these posts. At least the majority.

And then it was Halloween. Still feeling in a Combi mood from the night before Nate and I decided to go as Combichrist fans and with some persuasion by a goth Mad Hatter we decided to go more all out (something that we should have done for the concert and didn't). So after almost an hour and a half of last minute shopping for makeup we painted ourselves to fit and threw on our shirts from the concert. I went with black spiked hair with blue highlights. Got some good compliments, might make it a habit. If you're on my FB account you can see it there. If not - too bad. Then we spent the rest of the night going to Chipotle dressed in foil for free burritos and then headed to some houses with The Hatter, his Alice, Queen of Hearts, and Michael. At one point we accidentally crashed someone's halloween house party (no idea how it started but we were directed inside somehow and it ended up being a private party - nice house though). I just got the notification of being tagged in some of the other photos of the evening, from when we were at disneyland - really amusing. And that's where this goes next - Disney. Once we were there we were more than just Combichrist fans - we were walking Irony. So we played there a bit, I got stuck in the 'N' in CALIFORNIA until Nate helped me out, and then we gave parents and children some really creepy looks. Not intentionally mind you(not always at least), but any look at any person from us was generally taken as some sort of threat. It didn't get really good until two 12y/o(ish) boys stared at us as they walked out of the park (and I mean STARED!). We left soon after that and ended up walking right behind them as they were heading to the tram and over heard them talking about our costumes. I caught the phrase "the one with blood on one eye or the one with blood on both eyes?" from one of the kids just as the other one turned around to check if we were behind him. We were. Greatest double-take EVER! The fact that we had noticed them staring at us earlier and that we were walking behind them, looking DIRECTLY at them probably made the little boy's blood run cold. I had trouble not laughing. Truly amazing.

And that's it. After that we drove back here to Hell and I tried for a little bit to leave Nate and Ryan's mod to go back to mine, but it's kind of hard when you're on the floor laughing so hard you're goth face paint is streaking into your eyes while you're slowly running out of breath and only coming up with funny references and responses to each other. In the end we all managed to stand up and make it to the front door (after getting yelled at by a sleepy David) and then we collapsed in laughter again. Good 40 minutes with that. Then I went back to my mod, washed most of the paint off - crashed and woke up this morning to a 40 minute shower where i washed a good gallon of black out of my hair.

Fun Weekend.

And not the last! Next weekend I get to see a friend coming down from the bay, and I'm going out with some friends earlier to have fun. Oh, and it gets better still. Day after Thanksgiving - Aesthetic Perfection concert! ^_^ We're going. And this time we even have people going with us. Maybe. Ryan will be out of town but has decided he might fly down that day to come see it with us, and I'm going to see if there are others interested. And hey, why not you? If you've read this far, and you like Aesthetic Perfection or you like the genre, or you just want to hang out with us and be a part of something bigger than you - we'll be there! If you don't know me then get to know me on FB (facebook.com/shadowoflight) or shoot me an email (umbraobscura@gmail.com) - I'll actually get back to you, just let me know where you got the info from.

Hope to see you then, or maybe sooner. Maybe later. Just hope I like you. *_^

To wrap this up, here's a song from Today We Are All Demons, as well as the source of tonight's posts title. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6effbHn0eY - Scarred, Combichrist

The Nightfall Approaches.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Here to Kick It...

...Kickstart the Fight!!!

In the words of Ronan Harris, "I love Combichrist!"

I have a quote from Ronan for everything.

Been a while. Let me fill you in.

Lots of work, not enough time. Wait, that was the same during the post. Ok, how about this? Last weekend in SF. Tons of fun, spent the weekend visiting Teenie and got to see Rosales as well. Seeing two of my best friends - win. Then back to APU. Joy. Really bummed about leaving NorCal, as per usual - it's just not as fun here. But that might change a bit, at least for this week.

After a few days of bleh and the resettling sequence (48 hours of no food, waayy too much catching up for work, and shuffling of personalities), I'm back to being a comfortable me, and I'm looking forward to an exciting end of the week. Tonight I'm going with some friends to the midnight premiere of Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day (tix already paid for ^_^), and tomorrow night I'll most likely be going to the club Das Bunker to get back in my scene for a bit and to see Combichrist live. That's right! Actually that might not mean anything to you if you don't know who Combichrist is or if you just generally don't like them. I've mentioned them before, and before I mentioned them in this blog, I really wasn't a fan, I used to find them too violent and too harsh. Used to. They've been growing on me for a few years now, and right now, they're easily in my top 10. For the record, nothing will ever pass VNV Nation. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER!

I'd like to point out the really ironic part of all of this - Combichrist's song, 'Today I Woke to the Rain of Blood' features sound clips from Boondock Saints. The song starts with the Saint's Prayer, and features Connor's line from the final courtroom speech, "Each day we will spill their blood, 'til it rains down from the sky". One of the greatest movies of all time, and kudos to Combichrist for using the clips. Full of win.

Anyways today I'm listening to songs from Combi's newest album that came out last year (I think). I should say I was listening to the album, because I've actually been listening to 'Kickstart the Fight' on repeat. It's a fun song. Also, considering how many titles I've used in this blog that spellcheck doesn't know - this post is looking FILLED with red underlines - reminds me of the song 'Red', by guess who. That last bit doesn't matter at all, but I find it pretty AWESOME!

In other news (never getting tired of using this line btw) I've decided on one of the phrases I want in relation to my tattoos (when I get around to making them *sigh*) - Confutatis maledictis, falmmis acribus addictis: voca me cum benedictis. The Latin translation of the 16th verse of the hymn, Dies Irae (Day of Wrath). It translates into, "While the wicked are confounded, doomed to flames of woe unbounded, call me with thy saints surrounded". I find it fitting. So that's one tat idea - the rest I need to work on, but I've just found out about blacklight tats (!!!!). So I want to get one of those as well. Naturally, the design will be by me. (Blacklight tat news courtesy of Kat - THANK YOU!!!!!)

So here I is! More pumped than I should be, and running close to a full week without insomnia (I have the gut feeling it's gone, but where there's a change in balance there's usually some counter for it - we'll see). For now, I'm looking forward to an awesome night tonight, and another good night tomorrow. Feel like I freaked Nate out with info for the Combichrist concert, but as long as he stays out of the pits he should be safe from dying. I'm excited ^_^

That's all I have to say for now, we'll see how things work out. In the mean time I'll continue munching on the spike I found and the penny we cut in half last night (can't find my nail 'o_O).

For you, I'd like to revisit an old theme. Assignments. I want to hear your favourite monologue/verse/phrase/line/etc. It can be from anything - movie, book, poem, song - but I'm interested. If you want to be creative or if you don't have a favourite then describe your mood with one. You work out the details on this one.

Naturally I always participate. I'm going to bend the rules though and just post something I like though (depending on how you feel about rules, this is also an option for you):

Free will obsolete, intention unknown

This is the day, the day I'll try

'Cause this is the day, the day I die

-All Pain is Gone, Combichrist

and

She said: Now listen to me f***er, I got nothing to lose

She said: Damnation's at the door and I brought the booze

-Kickstart the Fight, Combichrist

Cheers *_^

-Shadow of Light

I Guess There's Always Something Killing Me

Hahaha! "I guess". That's clever. Life's killing me. "I guess" that's the intrinsic beauty of living - the longer you live, the longer you're dying. So then that makes immortality non-existence? It's really quite clever when you think about it, puts a whole new spin on morbidity - I'm officially an optimist now!

It's really been a while since the last post. I guess. Been super busy. Three 6-hour-a-week studio classes in a row is death incarnate. But fun. Naturally all the projects are due in the same three day periods so I have to end up cramming them in and pick and choose the occasional little assignments to not do. In the end, I do them, but they get pushed aside for projects worth more points. In the end it works out as it should, right now I can't kill myself more to get everything done at the same time. Time. That's the other thing - you'd think I'd have a lot even though I never sleep (ish - 10-15hrs a week doesn't really qualify), but I don't, I have some time to myself and I use that to maintain a small social life. Have to do something to keep my sanity. We all need something to live for, something to keep us grounded and here, to bring us back when we're breaking away. It could be that band you started practicing on Fridays, those friends you see after work, going home to feed your dog and watch some tv, calling that special someone when you have break to let them know they matter - whatever it may be, it's what keeps you going, it's the thing that feels like it will last, gives you something to look forward to, gives you something to work towards, something bright to hold onto.

Or maybe you're like me. Maybe you're still without. You run yourself dry without anything to give you another boost and when you get down to the dregs you lose yourself is something until you get a good shock to the heart to bring you back only to have to go through it all again. Turns out those little things can be pretty invaluable - they keep us grounded, keep us sane. They keep us tied to our environment, keep us stable when we're ready to collapse, "it surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together". I guess.

Speaking of environment, we've finally gotten some rain here in Hell. That's right, rain. In Azusa! It happens occasionally, and it makes the place so much better. Still doesn't make it good, but it makes it tolerable. Really want to be in SF right now though.

Trying to still find time to talk to people from home. Really want to skype with Rosales, but time really sucks, and I'm not using my free time too well - mostly for work and frivolous activities. Although, ripping people apart with brutal honesty when they ask for it doesn't really feel frivolous. Worst words spoken this week (and the ones that totally made my day) - "if you have something to say, just say it". Oh, ^_^ foolish man. "It's only when you've lost everything that you are free to do anything".

And while Fight Club has some really good philosophies on letting go and not being bound down, there comes a point where you need to take control and have something to lose. Only the dead have nothing to lose, and last I checked, I still had a pulse - granted that in however many years I won't have that anymore, until then I should still have something that matters.

So that's pretty much everything since the last post. Lots of work, not a lot of time, not a lot of sleep, and some time spent with friends but more time missing other friends.

Current Events: Spent a few days with Teenie and John and had fun. Accidentally forgot to give John his belt back, so I guess I'm holding onto that for a while. Great to see Teenie, can't wait until next time.

Bought a black light - working on setting up a black light cave in my bed should be really cool when it's done.

Clavicle is still jacked, haven't been wearing the sling for the last few days and got scolded by the dr. for that. It's uncomfortable and it inhibits my art projects. Many an hour snarling at it. That goes really well, slings really react when you snarl at them. right.

And that is all. Really. Or at least all I can remember. Tonight's title is from the song "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection. I'm really enjoying them, started with one song and now they're one of my favourites (will never top VNV of course, just so you know). The songs are typical aggrotech in terms of lyrics, and very close on the beats, but there's a certain 'happy' beat to them, the type of thing you might hear in a Darude song. Actually it's a bit closer to She Wants Revenge - but more electronic. Ish.

Here's a link to The Siren - http://twiturm.com/ahy69

And if you like that, then maybe check out Unterart's "Now or Never" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJXP4fX3jws

THAT...is all. Until the next time you can look forward to whatever you need to do, and I can look forward to lots of work and not as much time, and for something to keep me grounded. I'm getting to the point where I really need something to live for again. Music is great for resuscitation, but it's life support - I need a cure. Maybe I should give in to M's opinion and give love a chance again. We'll see. Until then...

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

"Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction..."

The light is here to blind your way

Something to help you explain it away,

Words to support whatever you say,

Words that mask your human ways.

Let's see, it's been quite a while. Since my last post a great has happened. Short version: I've done a bunch of art homework, been super stressed with a ridiculous schedule, dropped a class because I didn't have time for it, dislocated my shoulder, relocated my shoulder, fractured my clavicle (I've been saying 'broke' but only because it's a less harsh word and a syllable shorter), got a sling for my arm, added 'flair' to my sling, talked to people back home - but not long enough and not all of them, and I've spent more time than I like with people who haven't gotten past their egos from high school.

All in good time. First, just to get it out there - the clavicle. I was sprinkler diving (it's not on Youtube yet, but apparently it's something going around through colleges and people are getting hurt ^_^). Simple rules, dive at the sprinkler, touch the stream, roll, recover, repeat. I had a beautiful first dive and then screwed the second one up when I slipped in my jump. In the process I dislocated my shoulder, pushing it out of it's socket and up slightly. When I got back to my room, I copied the scene from Lethal Weapon 2 and slammed my shoulder into place. You don't know pain until you relocate a bone on your own without any painkillers. I passed out. It was either in the process of dislocating it or relocating it that I fractured my clavicle. It's annoying as Hell to not be able to move my arm more than a few inches, and the pain is bothersome when I do move it too far or if it gets messed up when I sleep - it puts me in a lovely mood. In the end though, it was totally worth it, I had fun. As for the pain, I took vicodin twice when it was really bad and I wanted to sleep, but it's useless so now I stick with Tylenol or ibuprofen when I remember them. I tend to forget, but I'm used to pain now. As a matter of fact I walked by a fence tonight and felt one of the barbs sticking out rip through my arm and just kept walking. Honestly, I don't have time for pain on Mondays and Wednesdays.

And now for my favourite part: the people paragraph. Skip this if you think people are wonderful, you're better off in ignorance, it really is bliss.

Remember all those times you thought being with older people would be better because you wouldn't have to put up with all the same things you were already putting up with? In junior high you thought high school was going to be different, then you hoped that college would be the answer to those problems. Oh how you were let down. If you honestly found it to be exactly as you planned (and if you thought it would be wonderful) then you live in a very special part of reality. I don't mean to say that one of them turned out to be alright, but I definitely mean to say that life is never what you expect and you will always be disappointed. Currently, I'm not talking about me - I feel I'm very in tune with the world right now, although we're not on the best of terms. I will admit that I naively thought college would be something spectacular though, where all I hoped for worked itself out. In high school I knew that once I was in college with Nano we'd find some happy medium and things would work out. Awww, wasn't I cute? ^_^ In the month before I got to this, erm...delightful school, I watched my dog suffer from a tumor, I put him down, I got a very well timed phone call from Nano letting me know it wasn't going to work out - ever, and I also arrived in what I now refer to as Hell (literally, I call it Hell all the time). In short - I grew up. I finished a year, I went back home, and as I've stated in the last few posts, I really lost faith in people. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about your 'good deeds'. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about the 'change' you want to see in the world. My opinion? I can respect you if you are sincere in your beliefs and honest about your actions, but either way nothing you do is going to really affect people unless there's more than one you. Humanity is bringing itself down in numbers, you can't build it up on your own. Not to say that you shouldn't try, but I won't be next to you until I see that other people are getting their asses in gear. There's way too much wrong with the world to fix it. You can solve all of the issues with people and the world, hunger, prostitution, etc. it will take a while, but it can be done. You can't fix the loss of honour, respect, the actual value of people. People want to fix the world and not themselves, but they don't like being broken. Something forgotten. Something ignored. Something is missing. Something we don't have anymore.

I digress. What I really want to rant about is the people at college. Sorry, the people at APU - clarification. (These are generalizations, but for the most part you'll find I'm pretty much dead on)

Freshman - mostly naive, not to bright. Mostly naive. Plus they don't know the school. I was one once. Although not as naive. I think *_^

APU Girls - most hoping to find the 'one'. The end of the first semester is fantastic! The jerk-off guys that they meet and date/'love' end up dumping them because they're jerks, or because the girls are psycho (or both!) and then you get some really great drama. Watching this drama (at a distance) is one of my favourite activities. Then there's the 'special features' where you talk to the girl about it after the fight and throw in comments about how much of a jerk the guy was (even if he wasn't (rarely)) and you get all the mean comments she couldn't think of when she was yelling at him. It's not because I enjoy their pain, it's because when you find out the reasons - they're REALLY stupid. "He didn't call me last night!" "She asked her brother for homework help!" No joke, these are some of the reasons. This is what this all about, the stupid, stupid reasons people fight. Super awesome. Still doesn't make APU any fun.

APU guys - generally average men. aka - not too bright, don't really understand women (but APU women are also pretty unique, so guys get a little slack), and generally jerks in friendships and relationships. Not a whole lot else.

And now the important group - the people that you end up being friends with. There's always the good people, the solid friends who know what honour and respect are. But then there's always those people that you're sort of stuck with - they think they're hot stuff, really bad ass, and totally a match for you. Wrong. With my good friends, we give each other crap all the time, if it's really bad we usually give each other the finger or say "you suck". We laugh it off. If we have a bad day, we deal with it, if we can't deal with it, we don't make it someone else's problem. And if there's an issue, it ends after a day, two max. If it lasts longer than that, then it's a real issue and it needs to be taken care of. Over the last few weeks we've been giving flak to a friend of ours. His response at first was meaningless threats, the type I used in high school, and the kind that screwed my life first semester. Even if the threats were real, you have to look at the people you're threatening: two guys who could easily throw you across the room, and a guy who relocates his shoulder on his own. In general, myself included, these are not the people you screw with. You do not go up to a pro fighter and spit in his face - he will beat you to death. I have always, always stated that if you have an issue with me, you tell me - respectfully - and I will be more than happy to work it out with you. This guy blatantly states that he has issues with his emotions and whines that we're being to rough on him during his "bad days" which turn out to be every day. So we have a group talk and decide that we're not going to bother him, because we're tired of him being pissy and emo. We turn our focus to other people, and then he gets pissy because we're ignoring him. I'm venting online because I'm getting really irritated with it. I drop things after a day or so, but having it repeated every day doesn't really give me a chance to drop it now, does it? Also, when it comes to repeated threats - don't threaten someone when they aren't harassing you, it's in bad taste. Besides, the more you threaten a person with comments like, "just because I'm scrawny, don't think I won't put up a fight" you honestly be able to hold up to your comment. Empty words go nowhere with me. I will not start a fight, I don't believe in fighting over things, but I will finish a fight, and I could really care less about how it ends. Never fight someone you can't beat, and never fight someone with nothing to lose - I'm the latter./rant

Today I saw my favourite teacher here at APU, Arciniega, while I was having dinner with one of the Abellas. We both took his class, and we both love that man incredibly. As much as I like talking to Woody Morwood here (which I'm doing on Friday), Arciniega is way more fun to hang out with. Talking to him for five minutes brightened my entire day. Thinking about it makes me happy. There are several reason I love this man: he doesn't shove religion in your face, he's super smart, he's got an AMAZING sense of humour (i.e. we told him he hadn't had a teacher like him and he said, jokingly, "well, it's cause I'm the best" - He truly is though), and he looks very similar to Ronan Harris. He makes 15 page papers fun. He makes theology fun. He makes life fun. We're definitely going to try and have lunch or coffee with him at some point. And I'm seriously considering sitting in his class again so that I can take more notes and eventually take his style back to my high school. I'd like to use his methods to teach a bible class for a semester, and see what happens (I'd probably get kicked out *_^ I don't think it would sit well if I made students make their own opinions about the Bible). At the very least I want to get more notes from him and relearn what he taught me, it just isn't as much fun without him teaching the class. He made my first semester worthwhile.

I also got my microwave this week (WE CAN COOK FOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!! ^_^). I'm going to call my aunt tomorrow and thank her, I haven't had time so far this week, I have a very very busy life now. Wednesday nights are going to be free though, because I have no class on Thursday! ^_^ We named the microwave Sylar. After the scene in Heroes season one where he gets the nuclear power and is standing on a building rooftop playing with small nuclear reactions and calmly says, "boom". That's the scene the microwave is named after. Although now that I think about it, I might name it after a Psych reference. We'll see.

Alright, well that's it tonight. The title tonight and the lyrics are from the song 'Salvation' by Imperative Reaction. Another band with meaningful lyrics, but in a very specific style. You can listen to it here: http://twiturm.com/ydyxq

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

The Conflict that is Seized and Disguised as Revolution

Long week.

That's it, that's my post. It was a very, very long week.

...

Alright, it was only two days. But it's been about a week since my last post. And that was a very long week. Eh, it was about average actually. 7 or so days. So average and not exciting.

I didn't exactly do a whole lot. I mean, yes, I spent some time with people on campus, I met all my roommates (not pissed off any more, haven't been for a while - but there hasn't been a post to let you know that so...), I bought my books and supplies, and I started classes. Not exciting at all.

Hahahaha, LIES! It's been very exciting. First a couple of comments though. One, I HATE the weather. And I'm still not loving this school. Two, the awesome-to-lame teacher ration is really lacking in the awesome dept.

Ok, so first week was cool. My Bible class sucks, our teacher makes us sings hymns at the end of class (MAKES us), and he thinks he's really cool (he's not). Art classes are super awesome, except they're all in a row and make up two 8 hour days without breaks. Not so cool, but that was kind of my fault last year in arranging them. First screenwriting class tomorrow, and that should be fun. Other than that, just trying to get some sleep and some free time before it vanishes forever.

Got most of the rest of my art supplies, still need a few more but I'm going to wait until I get some more money from the school. In the mean time I have what I need to keep myself busy. I haven't spent nearly enough time playing with art yet, at least not my projects. Maybe in a weekend or two.

Speaking of art supplies, my art portfolio is HUGE! I use it as a tent in my room. I'm actually in it right now. I'm waiting to post videos to people on Facebook. Facebook is being stupid however.

A couple other things - drawing is bugging me. Decided I like 'She Wants Revenge' very much, and also decided it might be time to go through my FB info and update some things.

And that is it. That's everything. Ish.

Tonight's title is from VNV's 'Sentinel' on Of Faith, Power, and Glory.

Mayhaps I'll write another post soon.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Back to the Crypt

...Nothing will last, we'll all fade away in one single blast.

Clearly I've returned to school. I'm such a fan.

Last year people would have called me a pessimist and I would have argued that I'm a realist. This year, people still call me a pessimist and I can't help but agree with them. At least I'm rational. Kind of. At least I hope so. I act rationally, but I do vent something fierce. Example: I had my own room. After five straight hours of unpacking one of my roommates showed up and informed me that 'they' (don't know if that means all of them, or a small majority) had group decided that the room I was in should be used to extend the living room. Oh, and that "I probably should have told you sooner".

Really? You think so? I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting someone spend five hours unpacking and then telling them "we" decided. For the sake of argument and the fact that I have to live with these people for a year, I just did it. But you'd think people would have a little respect. Honestly, it pisses me off incredibly, but it also proves a great deal of what I've said and felt over this summer. Honour is dying. People don't care anymore, they don't even try. At APU in particular, most people don't even know what it is to think of someone else before yourself. And it makes all the more aggravating to me that this is supposed to be a Christian college. I don't care what your religious views are, but if you're going to stand behind it, you best do it if you want my respect. The hypocrisy b.s. is what drives me insane. Everyone just stands by, and says, 'oh, it's the world we live in'. We do live in a world that's completely screwed, but it's made that way by the people in it.

In the end I'm in room, no longer to myself (which would have made me very happy), and I will eventually be getting a roommate. I don't mind having a roommate. I don't mind sharing a room. I'd prefer neither, not because of the person, but because I'm antisocial and I'm going to be doing a lot of projects that might bother other people. I think of these things, because as much as I think most of the people I encounter are an edification of everything I hate, I still take time to think about them. Clearly there was a evolutionary gap when it came to some of my roommates.

And by the way, I'm also not speaking behind their backs. This blog is open to the public, including them, and I post direct links to it that they have access to. If they read this, they'll know my thoughts. If they ask me about it, I will repeat everything I've said. If they ask me how I feel whether they've read this or not, I will gladly share my opinion. That is far as the extent of my goodwill goes. I care how people feel, until they want answers, then they better want the truth, I have no time for word games and trying to play peace-maker and the compromiser. I pick my battles, and I never lose the ones I choose to fight. It's a shame I had the summer I did, otherwise I might be a little more forgiving, as it is, I've shown goodwill and compromise. Once. I like being in my room. But I know it's not really, 'mine', and that makes me glad to be elsewhere.

In other news I was talking with friends tonight about people we know and how damage is done to some of the living spaces, and it really made me wonder whether or not the school has insurance on them. I know the school takes care of a great deal of the repairs for windows and fixing walls and stuff, but at some point isn't someone going to do damage that isn't fixed with some supplies from ACE. My mom once set one of the places she lived on fire just because she forgot to blow out all the candles she had lit. We have protection against that (school's philosophy - protect by forbidding), but someone is going to want to break the rules one day and but paper on a hot plate, or light a candle, or drive a car into a building (slightly impressive in it's own right - internet worthy). These are things that happen on those rare occasions and it's not like you can call maintenance to come patch them up. It was an interesting segway.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Shelter' by Icon of Coil. I like the lyrics, I like the beat. It is not, however, the music I'm listening to currently. Right now I'm enjoying the band, She Wants Revenge. They're played at Death Guild at the DNA Lounge sometimes, and the singer has an interesting voice with interesting lyrics. I would recommend 'Out of Control' or 'I Don't Want to Fall in Love'.

And I also spoke to my friends about a couple of ideas I had. One in particular that I like because it seems funny to me, is to lay make a video of a black cloth, with black-gloved hands laying out dangerous looking tools out on it to the sound of one of the songs from Hitman: Blood Money. Then after all the really odd, creepy tools are laid out lovingly, the video would go on to say something about art being dangerous. I have some very creepy art supplies - when set out appropriately. An X-Acto knife laid out next to a hand saw, some wire cutters, and a metal file and some other dark-looking tools - might be a great ad ^_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

I, DREAD LORD OF SHADOWS

What a week. Three days actually. Sunday I stayed home while my mom went out to go shopping and while Rick was at work. They came home, we went to the park, they walked, I biked, we went back to the house, we ate, we watched a movie, we went to bed. My day. I ended up staying awake (intentionally for a change) to start a new story. I wrote three pages in about two hours – a very good start based on my other stuff. The story I have fifteen pages of I've worked on for about 20 ish hours, and it took three hours to get the first page done, so I'm looking forward to this one. I hit a slight roadblock when I got to a point I was going to introduce a new character in, and I realized that I packed the book I needed. Irritating.

Speaking of irritating, my mother. I love my mom, I really do, but we're only good to spend a few hours together before we aggravate each other and max a few days. Depending on her mood, we get along for greater lengths of time or significantly shorter amounts of time. Currently – less. It's a boring house – Rick's fun but works all day, there's no internet, all my stuff is packed, so no books, no ANYTHING! Occasionally I'll play with some of my swords which are at the house, but there's only so many things you can slice with a sword before you move from playing into vandalism. So I spend all day doing nothing and all night writing or listening to music. I have been playing with some new gel pens I got from Costco – they make me happy. I have an entire page of neon and metallic doodles from a few hours I killed with those.

Here's something that I take issue with: I get a new laptop. I don't really need my old one, even though I'd kind of like to keep it around for one semester just in case I need a file or Windows. My mom calls me before I pack and says, “can I have it?”. Against my better judgement and my gut feeling, I say 'yes'. Since I've been here, I've tried to show her what I've set up on it for her (she wants to use it for writing a book on her life, so I installed a bunch of word processing programs for her to choose from), and she says, 'ok!'. It's been two days, she's had HOURS of free time, and she's putting photo albums together. I didn't say anything for the sake of argument, but I'm giving her my computer that I still kind of need and she can't be bothered to at least look at the stuff I set up for her!? It's this selfishness of hers that really pisses me off. That and hearing all her thoughts on her boyfriend. Even he gets sick of it, but he doesn't say anything because then she'll apologize in the same manner for hours on end.

And this is the part of my life where I realize that my cynicism and apathy come from the people in my life. I stopped caring about people and myself when I got guilt trips from people growing up. I grew to hate being complemented (not always, there are certain people who compliment me and it doesn't bother me – kind of like being called 'Joey', it varies from person to person) because compliments were always desperately needed and not given, or because my mom would go on forever to people about me as “her amazing son”. I hate being made to look like I belong to people, I'm not a prize. I learned to hate ignorance. Not bad in a small dosage, but to hate all ignorance indiscriminately? I hate in other and I hate in myself, I've found it to be a poor quality that makes you look more foolish than hypocrisy (don't even get me started). I hate cheesy relationships, the facade that people create, pretending to be happy while being eaten away by their issues. Whether they hide their issues from others or pretend they don't exist at all, it pisses me off – no one is perfect, and there's always people who see what's going on anyways. Ahhh, the joys of growing up as me. The nice thing is, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I like who I am. The downside, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I'm built on things I hate.

“I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted by the conventional method of the approach to this situation. I've come up with nothing.”

But that's why I have my aunts. I love them all dearly and I can get along with them without issue indefinitely. And I also have some wonderful friends, who all have some pretty wonderful advice. Hahaha, everything from the “blow it up” options to the “ you always have a right to change direction if pressure becomes too great” options. I usually go with the latter and the ones that fall in the middle, but the former are fun and relaxing.

So today (Tuesday) my mom walks into my room and tells me we're packing all the stuff up and leaving in like an hour. Kind of cool, but one hour notice to move a truck-full of stuff to another truck and leave? Kind of ridiculous. But it's better than leaving in the middle of the night on Thursday.

Had a pretty good drive down to SOCAL. Just my mom and I because we didn't have room for Rick. We listened to music, which wasn't great, but it also wasn't terrible (my mother hates 80's music, I live off of music created and based off of the 80's – we have music issues). Mostly we played music or she cursed at drivers. We finally made it down though, got checked into a hotel because we missed the housing checkin for school (-_-) and then had dinner at Applebee's. Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. Went to Trader Joe's, FYE (my mom got Go – The Best of Moby (Moby we agree on)), Marshall's (waste of time), and Bed Bath and Beyond.

Then back to the hotel, watch the night fade when she calls Rick (I really feel for him, when I'm not trying not to vomit), and then blog without internet while I try to sleep in an arm chair. That's right, I'm writing this WAYY before you'll read it. I'll post it when I'm online at APU. Until then, enjoy the commentary from the crap armchair. Honestly though, it's not bad, I chose to sleep in the chair, it's a thousand times more comfortable than the hotel bed – but I had to put up with a good thirty minutes of my mom asking the same questions over and over. My final answer? I DON'T want a pillow. I think she drank too much, but NO she'd NEVER do that!

Hate hypocrisy.

I also seriously hate my dreams as of late. I've had some pretty awesome dreams, but some just SUCK! Last night I had a dream I woke up thirsty, went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Woke up parched. Went to the kitchen and got water, silently cursing the fact that I have to actually LIVE my dream. I mean, living a dream is great! But not if your dream is reality! That's the entire point!!!

Still rather dream about needing water than some of the other ones. Four nights in a row I dreamt of encounters with different people, and each time I'd help them in some way, then wake up and ask myself, “WHY would I do that?!”. Simple answer is because I keep my promises. Sigh.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Cernunnos' by Faith and the Muse. I could explain why I like this song, but I think I've used enough space on the blog already, so I'll let it explain itself.

Of your anger

Your ignorance

Your blindness

Your greed

Your progress

Your conquest

Your mania

Your need

Your sorrow

Your sickness

Your final, parting breath

Your hatred

Your bloodshed

Your future

Your death

I will have none

I, dread lord of shadows

With broken spell

Unto this rotting age

I bid farewell

Blessed be

Cheers,

Shadow of Light