I, DREAD LORD OF SHADOWS

What a week. Three days actually. Sunday I stayed home while my mom went out to go shopping and while Rick was at work. They came home, we went to the park, they walked, I biked, we went back to the house, we ate, we watched a movie, we went to bed. My day. I ended up staying awake (intentionally for a change) to start a new story. I wrote three pages in about two hours – a very good start based on my other stuff. The story I have fifteen pages of I've worked on for about 20 ish hours, and it took three hours to get the first page done, so I'm looking forward to this one. I hit a slight roadblock when I got to a point I was going to introduce a new character in, and I realized that I packed the book I needed. Irritating.

Speaking of irritating, my mother. I love my mom, I really do, but we're only good to spend a few hours together before we aggravate each other and max a few days. Depending on her mood, we get along for greater lengths of time or significantly shorter amounts of time. Currently – less. It's a boring house – Rick's fun but works all day, there's no internet, all my stuff is packed, so no books, no ANYTHING! Occasionally I'll play with some of my swords which are at the house, but there's only so many things you can slice with a sword before you move from playing into vandalism. So I spend all day doing nothing and all night writing or listening to music. I have been playing with some new gel pens I got from Costco – they make me happy. I have an entire page of neon and metallic doodles from a few hours I killed with those.

Here's something that I take issue with: I get a new laptop. I don't really need my old one, even though I'd kind of like to keep it around for one semester just in case I need a file or Windows. My mom calls me before I pack and says, “can I have it?”. Against my better judgement and my gut feeling, I say 'yes'. Since I've been here, I've tried to show her what I've set up on it for her (she wants to use it for writing a book on her life, so I installed a bunch of word processing programs for her to choose from), and she says, 'ok!'. It's been two days, she's had HOURS of free time, and she's putting photo albums together. I didn't say anything for the sake of argument, but I'm giving her my computer that I still kind of need and she can't be bothered to at least look at the stuff I set up for her!? It's this selfishness of hers that really pisses me off. That and hearing all her thoughts on her boyfriend. Even he gets sick of it, but he doesn't say anything because then she'll apologize in the same manner for hours on end.

And this is the part of my life where I realize that my cynicism and apathy come from the people in my life. I stopped caring about people and myself when I got guilt trips from people growing up. I grew to hate being complemented (not always, there are certain people who compliment me and it doesn't bother me – kind of like being called 'Joey', it varies from person to person) because compliments were always desperately needed and not given, or because my mom would go on forever to people about me as “her amazing son”. I hate being made to look like I belong to people, I'm not a prize. I learned to hate ignorance. Not bad in a small dosage, but to hate all ignorance indiscriminately? I hate in other and I hate in myself, I've found it to be a poor quality that makes you look more foolish than hypocrisy (don't even get me started). I hate cheesy relationships, the facade that people create, pretending to be happy while being eaten away by their issues. Whether they hide their issues from others or pretend they don't exist at all, it pisses me off – no one is perfect, and there's always people who see what's going on anyways. Ahhh, the joys of growing up as me. The nice thing is, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I like who I am. The downside, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I'm built on things I hate.

“I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted by the conventional method of the approach to this situation. I've come up with nothing.”

But that's why I have my aunts. I love them all dearly and I can get along with them without issue indefinitely. And I also have some wonderful friends, who all have some pretty wonderful advice. Hahaha, everything from the “blow it up” options to the “ you always have a right to change direction if pressure becomes too great” options. I usually go with the latter and the ones that fall in the middle, but the former are fun and relaxing.

So today (Tuesday) my mom walks into my room and tells me we're packing all the stuff up and leaving in like an hour. Kind of cool, but one hour notice to move a truck-full of stuff to another truck and leave? Kind of ridiculous. But it's better than leaving in the middle of the night on Thursday.

Had a pretty good drive down to SOCAL. Just my mom and I because we didn't have room for Rick. We listened to music, which wasn't great, but it also wasn't terrible (my mother hates 80's music, I live off of music created and based off of the 80's – we have music issues). Mostly we played music or she cursed at drivers. We finally made it down though, got checked into a hotel because we missed the housing checkin for school (-_-) and then had dinner at Applebee's. Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. Went to Trader Joe's, FYE (my mom got Go – The Best of Moby (Moby we agree on)), Marshall's (waste of time), and Bed Bath and Beyond.

Then back to the hotel, watch the night fade when she calls Rick (I really feel for him, when I'm not trying not to vomit), and then blog without internet while I try to sleep in an arm chair. That's right, I'm writing this WAYY before you'll read it. I'll post it when I'm online at APU. Until then, enjoy the commentary from the crap armchair. Honestly though, it's not bad, I chose to sleep in the chair, it's a thousand times more comfortable than the hotel bed – but I had to put up with a good thirty minutes of my mom asking the same questions over and over. My final answer? I DON'T want a pillow. I think she drank too much, but NO she'd NEVER do that!

Hate hypocrisy.

I also seriously hate my dreams as of late. I've had some pretty awesome dreams, but some just SUCK! Last night I had a dream I woke up thirsty, went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Woke up parched. Went to the kitchen and got water, silently cursing the fact that I have to actually LIVE my dream. I mean, living a dream is great! But not if your dream is reality! That's the entire point!!!

Still rather dream about needing water than some of the other ones. Four nights in a row I dreamt of encounters with different people, and each time I'd help them in some way, then wake up and ask myself, “WHY would I do that?!”. Simple answer is because I keep my promises. Sigh.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Cernunnos' by Faith and the Muse. I could explain why I like this song, but I think I've used enough space on the blog already, so I'll let it explain itself.

Of your anger

Your ignorance

Your blindness

Your greed

Your progress

Your conquest

Your mania

Your need

Your sorrow

Your sickness

Your final, parting breath

Your hatred

Your bloodshed

Your future

Your death

I will have none

I, dread lord of shadows

With broken spell

Unto this rotting age

I bid farewell

Blessed be

Cheers,

Shadow of Light