It's late. (you're eyes cross with someone)
I'm not going to be typing lyrics to The Siren right now. Lyrics to other songs, most definitely, but not that one. Too happy. Ish. This is going to be a strange post, not writing to tell you anything interesting, or to fill you in on my week. Maybe if I were sane, but that's kind of far off right now. This is my official admittance to having a mental break. Something finally snapped a little bit ago and over the last few days it's finally settled in. Please don't ask me why, please don't think you can magically fix it. To the first I don't know, and to the second I'll handle it, and I don't need support. Honestly, that's one of the factors that pushes me to the breaking point for a lot of other things. I don't need help to fix things, I've spent years doing it on my own, adding you into the equation isn't going to create a super team. You're going to get in my way, or take up my time, and in general just not help.
That being said, we're great. We now have no issues. Or maybe we do. Idk. I do know that something's off though. I've been losing my ability to keep it together lately. Usually I can keep a thought to myself long enough to not ruin someone's day, or come up with something nice to say to make it better, etc. Not anymore. And it doesn't bother me. And that's the part that bothers me. When something is not right, you usually know and try and fix it. In this case, I know I'm capable of focusing and working it all out, but I just don't care. Tonight's an exception. Tonight I get it, and I'm curious. So this is my post - me working out my thoughts for you to read. Pretty much just a transcript of me talking to myself, so feel free to ignore this one, or to go ahead and read it, but I strongly urge you to not read too heavily into it, since I'm probably going to digress at some points and I have no idea where I'm going with this one. Like I said previously, there is no theme. Art for art's sake, if you will.
I'll never turn away
I'll make you believe
I know
It doesn't matter what you say
It shows in everything I'm not
The first question I ask myself is, how far gone am I really? Is it all in my head? I'm probably over reacting. Then I get the news that I have a new cousin, and go through the motions, follow the script. Called my uncle to congratulate him, and send out best wishes and all that, and at the end of the call I had this epiphany. The first girl cousin, the fifth and youngest in my generation (Me, Bug, Lex, Lucosite, and now her). In half a second on the phone I realized that she is going to grow up in this world, raised by our family, and the four just mentioned are going to be the greatest influence on her. She's going to grow up smart. She's going to grow up around boys so she'll be tough. She's the only girl, so she'll be spoiled. But it's the family members that got me. Something in my gut just said, 'look at what's offered'. I realized she's going to get to around this age, and she's going to be pretty much perfect. Not in the way that you the reader are thinking (if you're still reading). Among other things, she's going to be incredibly smart, have an attitude, and she's going to have a cynical streak that's going to rip people apart. She's going to be a mix of all that we are. Now, I'm the cynical one, and I see this working out perfectly. It makes sense. But it's also sad. She'll be perfect at either being an amazing person, or she'll decide to be like me, and she'll be perfect at it. Intelligence would make the cynical attitude work waaay better. Unfortunately I'm male - We're lacking. And after I realized all of this, I just paused, then started laughing my head off in the message. There's nothing amusing about it. I don't even know what I realized. But it was funny as hell. Probably a strange message to hear later though.
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore and watch you as you drowned?
So that's one part of it. And not a big one. Yes, the cousin is a big thing, but I don't blame a newborn for me losing my mind, only for making Christmas dinner more entertaining. I'm kind of excited to be there when someone yells at her, and the apology has something to do with a sugar imbalance. Which while true, doesn't really seem to fit, diabetes is a sugar imbalance, that? that's an estrogen Molotov Cocktail.
Another part might be the disappearance of insomnia. Oh JOY!!! No. I miss it. I remember now why I hate sleeping. Sleeping means dreaming. Dreaming means I see things I'd rather not. I remember hating because of dreams. I remember wanting to beat a man near death because of something that wasn't real but kept showing up every night. I remember waking up sickened. I remember waking up terrified because losing someone you love hurts even when it's not real. I remember lying to myself. I remember the smell of dried blood, and shivering uncontrollably while you woke up with your skin burning. I remember death every night. And that's all I do now, I remember. Now the dreams only bother me because they don't bother me. I see horrible things and I don't feel anything when I wake up this time. But I remember what I was taught. It's wrong. And it is. It's awful. So why do I see it if I don't feel? Why should I see it when it doesn't matter? I fail to see the point. Anael said I was the dreamer. It's what my name means. But why dream when you don't care? Why dream when you don't see anything? Tell me now Anael, why does it matter? Why do I dream when what I dream about means nothing? Why does it start with you and then never end even when you're gone?
When you lost your mind
I lost the will
I can't change anything for anyone but me
I cut my name in your heart to ensure the memories remain. I never will release the pain. This is duplicitous - for you and Kennith. Also, get out of my head. Both of you. Kennith, you just suck in general, and even though I know you'll be in my head until I die, I'd still like you out; you make life very difficult for me. But I also know that you have as little choice as I do. So, suffer well. As for you, you need a name in all this. There are quite a few to use, but I'll stick with Mihr. It was mine once, and I deserved to lose it, now you can have it. It's ironically fitting right now as well. I don't get it. At some point you'll have to explain somethings to me, or things will just progress like they are now. Honestly, I'm not a fan, I prefer anything but this actually. You baffle me. And yes, get out of my head. Not for the same reason as Kennith, that's a matter of hate. You don't belong there. Not right now anyways. You should be somewhere better, and instead you're here. And this is where I get more confused, I feel for this. It saddens me that you're here. That you settle for this. Why? Why does it matter? Or maybe it doesn't, but then again, why? You shouldn't be like me. You should be like you. Individuality and all that aside, you need to find something better. You haven't hit bottom, and you shouldn't be trying. But you are. You're diving down almost as fast as I am, and you shouldn't be. You should be reaching new heights. Is it really that bad? Is it really so bad you can't step past it? Or maybe you don't want to. Maybe you want to feel the pain a little longer, because the pain makes you feel more alive than the joy. Maybe there isn't enough joy right now, so you'll settle for more feelings even though they're negative just so you can have something.
I'm breaking down...
I question why I made this sacrifice.
I wish you wouldn't though. I wish you'd try. Or if you're really going to go for bottom, then truly give up. If I have to see you throw it away, then at least remove hope of your salvation. You're can't get me to stop wanting to see you choose differently though. With you I feel, and that's something I don't know well enough to turn off. Not that I would, something has to matter. I really hate it right now though, there's a difference between a dive and a free-fall. I still hope for you.
I want to drown in your blood.
Bring a .45 you said.
I'll make you believe.
Do you believe in the nobility of suicide? No. But we both know you believe in the blood lush. We both know you crave that last drop of life, even as you watch it slip. Why? Because nothing matters. Something forgotten, something ignored. Something is missing, and we don't care anymore. And is the day you try? No. You're not dead yet. You're dying slowly, but you're not really gone. You're still here, and you still have time. So we sit and we wait, and when that day finally comes maybe you'll have time to fix it. All pain undone. You think you'll have the chance to do something right? You hope. But you're probably not going to get it. You're going to die with nothing because you stopped caring. You stopped trying. You lost hope and you didn't look for more. You hope for hope. It's an endless cycle. Maybe you'll get something. Maybe you'll finally give in to M. You'll find something, and you won't let go no matter what happens. You won't lose hope when you have nothing. You'll find something on the inside. You'll finish your cup of tea and go to bed instead of telling yourself you can fight sleep. Sure, you've killed three hours and you got almost everything done. But was it worth it? Did it matter? Did you really put out an effort? A for absolutely none, remember?
I tried to kill you, drugs booze and noise.
I tried to forget you but I still hear your voice.
You're not trying to forget them. You're trying to forget yourself. You're not trying to feel again, you're trying to scar yourself over enough that you don't feel at all anymore. You chose to fall but you're aiming for obstacles to break the pain of the landing. You got lost and you didn't even look for the path again, you just kept walking. But that's you isn't it? You don't want to be in the driver's seat. You don't want to try, because you're afraid you'll mess it up. And you will. But you need to do it. You need to suck it up. You need to finish your tea. You need to clean off your bed. You need to remember something good.
Get.
Out.
Of My.
Enough.
Get.
Out.
Of My.
Of My Head.
Think of something.
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