Well this has been a really rough week. I received a phone call Tuesday morning letting me know a friend of mine had died in his sleep, with no suggestions so far as to why. His name is Johnson Ko, he was a senior at the high school I graduated from, and was close to myself and the friends I spent a lot of my time with at school. His death is a really huge blow to many people, as he was really well liked, and sort of fit in with everyone. There isn't much that I can really do for him, nor much that I can really say, I knew him as well as anyone else who spent a fair amount of time around him, but we weren't as close as others in the school, but I do know how much he meant in the lives of those he was really close to, and how much joy he brought to their lives.
I can't tell you much else about him, and personally the best memory I have about him is that he was one of the few people from the school who gave me something when I graduated. I wish I had a better memory, or that I could say something deep that really echoed some theme of his life, but I don't have anything.
The title of this post though, Memento Mori, is something I've known for a while, but only as of Tuesday really had an application for. This is how I'm remembering Johnson. The phrase is Latin for "Remember you will die" (roughly), and "Remember you are human". It's a theme that has come up in my life a few times, but I think it really applies to Johnson in that we never expected anything to happen, and we never thought that it was really a possibility with how young he was.
R.I.P. Johnson
Challenge Q: How do you deal with grief? We don't really live in a society where we have time to truly grieve and accept things that happen in life, we're usually expected to just take it in stride or take what little bit of sympathy is given to us and move on and live life. I can't speak for everyone, but I've dealt with quite a bit of death and loss recently, and maybe I'm just screwed up, but I'm not wired to just move on; things stay with me until I'm over them, and I rarely have the time I need to deal with them. When I do absolutely need to escape though; to get y mind away from the world and just be with my thoughts: I drown the world in music. I wipe away all other noise with sound and mull things over until I have enough comfort to let me get on with my life. The song I've been listening to this week has been Forever, it's a piece worked on by several artists, VNV Nation being one of them. For me, lyrics with meaning make all the difference, and Ronan Harris' voice is one of about three that calms my soul.
You can find a remix of the song here:
I tend to think of this remix as going quite well with the Crucifixion (four years at a Christian school), but I think that there's something to be said for it about now.
Memento Mori,
-Umbra
Truthfully,
ReplyDeleteIt’s difficult for me to explain how I deal with grief because I don’t think I deal with it exceptionally well. I’ve been fortunate and have very few people I’ve known personally die. The most recent was a girl that I briefly told you about that attended here last year, Kate Vaudrey. Really, I didn’t know kate that well. We were in art class together and she sincerely intimidated me. She had a presence that sort of struck you and she was so kind and beautiful. I honestly was incredibly jealous of her.
When she died over the summer it was as if a piece of me had been destroyed. I didn’t really know her, but what I did know, who I knew she was, what I had seen, I wanted to be her, and then she was gone. It was enraging. I was livid with God. Someone so full of life with so much to give to the world, just so suddenly not here anymore. It didn’t make sense, I wanted to know why someone who wanted to be Kate Vaudrey was still here, and Kate Vaudrey herself wasn’t.
I dealt with it by feeling it all. I cried, I looked at her photos in remembrance, I let myself be furious with god, I may have even cussed him out. Then I let myself be sad. I talked about it with other people that knew her. And it all helped. But, it didn’t pacify my anger at how unfair the situation was.
It is interesting your memory is of your friend giving you a gift at your graduation. I think it is a good way to remember him. It shows a glimpse of him, and its a memory, its your memory.
And in my case the things that Kate left behind for me, weren’t memories, and they weren’t anything tangible. She left behind an inspiration that I can only hope to touch in my own interpretations and endeavors. I don’t want to forget her, and I will not. By chance she and I became connected, and because that connection was formed it means something. I could apologize for not living the life I should while I have it. But I hope that I will remember kate, and I hope that her life could remind me of the life that I have still. She saw the simple beauty in just about everything, and seemed to get along with just about everybody she met.
I guess, I grieve by finding things about the people I loved that I don’t want to die. For example my Grandmother, I don’t want her acceptance, tenacity, perserverance or kindness to be lost. With kate, I don’t want her habit of seeking beauty and of uplifting people to ever be lost either. I think I try to find a piece of that person to make my own, to hold on to, so they aren’t really gone and there are pieces of them that go on, and that stay with me.
I think your post is beautiful and it is a great way to help deal with grief. Writing is also one way that helped me. i hope writing this entry helped some and please please know that i'm here for you whenever.
taylor
hahah i wrote you an essay, sorry.. >.<
ReplyDeleteYou know how I grieve. I think the driving force behind your design is a fair enough tribute to knowing Johnson. It at least shows you're thinking about him rather than acting once or twice and forgetting it.
ReplyDeleteI thought of another music chorus I like, and I'm too lazy to post it on the correct post:
Terrorise me, come and take my soul .
Paralyse me, consume me whole.
Terrify me, come and take my home .
Analyse me, you know i'm not that strong.
Neuroticfish - The Bomb
-M