The light is here to blind your way

Something to help you explain it away,

Words to support whatever you say,

Words that mask your human ways.

Let's see, it's been quite a while. Since my last post a great has happened. Short version: I've done a bunch of art homework, been super stressed with a ridiculous schedule, dropped a class because I didn't have time for it, dislocated my shoulder, relocated my shoulder, fractured my clavicle (I've been saying 'broke' but only because it's a less harsh word and a syllable shorter), got a sling for my arm, added 'flair' to my sling, talked to people back home - but not long enough and not all of them, and I've spent more time than I like with people who haven't gotten past their egos from high school.

All in good time. First, just to get it out there - the clavicle. I was sprinkler diving (it's not on Youtube yet, but apparently it's something going around through colleges and people are getting hurt ^_^). Simple rules, dive at the sprinkler, touch the stream, roll, recover, repeat. I had a beautiful first dive and then screwed the second one up when I slipped in my jump. In the process I dislocated my shoulder, pushing it out of it's socket and up slightly. When I got back to my room, I copied the scene from Lethal Weapon 2 and slammed my shoulder into place. You don't know pain until you relocate a bone on your own without any painkillers. I passed out. It was either in the process of dislocating it or relocating it that I fractured my clavicle. It's annoying as Hell to not be able to move my arm more than a few inches, and the pain is bothersome when I do move it too far or if it gets messed up when I sleep - it puts me in a lovely mood. In the end though, it was totally worth it, I had fun. As for the pain, I took vicodin twice when it was really bad and I wanted to sleep, but it's useless so now I stick with Tylenol or ibuprofen when I remember them. I tend to forget, but I'm used to pain now. As a matter of fact I walked by a fence tonight and felt one of the barbs sticking out rip through my arm and just kept walking. Honestly, I don't have time for pain on Mondays and Wednesdays.

And now for my favourite part: the people paragraph. Skip this if you think people are wonderful, you're better off in ignorance, it really is bliss.

Remember all those times you thought being with older people would be better because you wouldn't have to put up with all the same things you were already putting up with? In junior high you thought high school was going to be different, then you hoped that college would be the answer to those problems. Oh how you were let down. If you honestly found it to be exactly as you planned (and if you thought it would be wonderful) then you live in a very special part of reality. I don't mean to say that one of them turned out to be alright, but I definitely mean to say that life is never what you expect and you will always be disappointed. Currently, I'm not talking about me - I feel I'm very in tune with the world right now, although we're not on the best of terms. I will admit that I naively thought college would be something spectacular though, where all I hoped for worked itself out. In high school I knew that once I was in college with Nano we'd find some happy medium and things would work out. Awww, wasn't I cute? ^_^ In the month before I got to this, erm...delightful school, I watched my dog suffer from a tumor, I put him down, I got a very well timed phone call from Nano letting me know it wasn't going to work out - ever, and I also arrived in what I now refer to as Hell (literally, I call it Hell all the time). In short - I grew up. I finished a year, I went back home, and as I've stated in the last few posts, I really lost faith in people. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about your 'good deeds'. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about the 'change' you want to see in the world. My opinion? I can respect you if you are sincere in your beliefs and honest about your actions, but either way nothing you do is going to really affect people unless there's more than one you. Humanity is bringing itself down in numbers, you can't build it up on your own. Not to say that you shouldn't try, but I won't be next to you until I see that other people are getting their asses in gear. There's way too much wrong with the world to fix it. You can solve all of the issues with people and the world, hunger, prostitution, etc. it will take a while, but it can be done. You can't fix the loss of honour, respect, the actual value of people. People want to fix the world and not themselves, but they don't like being broken. Something forgotten. Something ignored. Something is missing. Something we don't have anymore.

I digress. What I really want to rant about is the people at college. Sorry, the people at APU - clarification. (These are generalizations, but for the most part you'll find I'm pretty much dead on)

Freshman - mostly naive, not to bright. Mostly naive. Plus they don't know the school. I was one once. Although not as naive. I think *_^

APU Girls - most hoping to find the 'one'. The end of the first semester is fantastic! The jerk-off guys that they meet and date/'love' end up dumping them because they're jerks, or because the girls are psycho (or both!) and then you get some really great drama. Watching this drama (at a distance) is one of my favourite activities. Then there's the 'special features' where you talk to the girl about it after the fight and throw in comments about how much of a jerk the guy was (even if he wasn't (rarely)) and you get all the mean comments she couldn't think of when she was yelling at him. It's not because I enjoy their pain, it's because when you find out the reasons - they're REALLY stupid. "He didn't call me last night!" "She asked her brother for homework help!" No joke, these are some of the reasons. This is what this all about, the stupid, stupid reasons people fight. Super awesome. Still doesn't make APU any fun.

APU guys - generally average men. aka - not too bright, don't really understand women (but APU women are also pretty unique, so guys get a little slack), and generally jerks in friendships and relationships. Not a whole lot else.

And now the important group - the people that you end up being friends with. There's always the good people, the solid friends who know what honour and respect are. But then there's always those people that you're sort of stuck with - they think they're hot stuff, really bad ass, and totally a match for you. Wrong. With my good friends, we give each other crap all the time, if it's really bad we usually give each other the finger or say "you suck". We laugh it off. If we have a bad day, we deal with it, if we can't deal with it, we don't make it someone else's problem. And if there's an issue, it ends after a day, two max. If it lasts longer than that, then it's a real issue and it needs to be taken care of. Over the last few weeks we've been giving flak to a friend of ours. His response at first was meaningless threats, the type I used in high school, and the kind that screwed my life first semester. Even if the threats were real, you have to look at the people you're threatening: two guys who could easily throw you across the room, and a guy who relocates his shoulder on his own. In general, myself included, these are not the people you screw with. You do not go up to a pro fighter and spit in his face - he will beat you to death. I have always, always stated that if you have an issue with me, you tell me - respectfully - and I will be more than happy to work it out with you. This guy blatantly states that he has issues with his emotions and whines that we're being to rough on him during his "bad days" which turn out to be every day. So we have a group talk and decide that we're not going to bother him, because we're tired of him being pissy and emo. We turn our focus to other people, and then he gets pissy because we're ignoring him. I'm venting online because I'm getting really irritated with it. I drop things after a day or so, but having it repeated every day doesn't really give me a chance to drop it now, does it? Also, when it comes to repeated threats - don't threaten someone when they aren't harassing you, it's in bad taste. Besides, the more you threaten a person with comments like, "just because I'm scrawny, don't think I won't put up a fight" you honestly be able to hold up to your comment. Empty words go nowhere with me. I will not start a fight, I don't believe in fighting over things, but I will finish a fight, and I could really care less about how it ends. Never fight someone you can't beat, and never fight someone with nothing to lose - I'm the latter./rant

Today I saw my favourite teacher here at APU, Arciniega, while I was having dinner with one of the Abellas. We both took his class, and we both love that man incredibly. As much as I like talking to Woody Morwood here (which I'm doing on Friday), Arciniega is way more fun to hang out with. Talking to him for five minutes brightened my entire day. Thinking about it makes me happy. There are several reason I love this man: he doesn't shove religion in your face, he's super smart, he's got an AMAZING sense of humour (i.e. we told him he hadn't had a teacher like him and he said, jokingly, "well, it's cause I'm the best" - He truly is though), and he looks very similar to Ronan Harris. He makes 15 page papers fun. He makes theology fun. He makes life fun. We're definitely going to try and have lunch or coffee with him at some point. And I'm seriously considering sitting in his class again so that I can take more notes and eventually take his style back to my high school. I'd like to use his methods to teach a bible class for a semester, and see what happens (I'd probably get kicked out *_^ I don't think it would sit well if I made students make their own opinions about the Bible). At the very least I want to get more notes from him and relearn what he taught me, it just isn't as much fun without him teaching the class. He made my first semester worthwhile.

I also got my microwave this week (WE CAN COOK FOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!! ^_^). I'm going to call my aunt tomorrow and thank her, I haven't had time so far this week, I have a very very busy life now. Wednesday nights are going to be free though, because I have no class on Thursday! ^_^ We named the microwave Sylar. After the scene in Heroes season one where he gets the nuclear power and is standing on a building rooftop playing with small nuclear reactions and calmly says, "boom". That's the scene the microwave is named after. Although now that I think about it, I might name it after a Psych reference. We'll see.

Alright, well that's it tonight. The title tonight and the lyrics are from the song 'Salvation' by Imperative Reaction. Another band with meaningful lyrics, but in a very specific style. You can listen to it here: http://twiturm.com/ydyxq

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

The Conflict that is Seized and Disguised as Revolution

Long week.

That's it, that's my post. It was a very, very long week.

...

Alright, it was only two days. But it's been about a week since my last post. And that was a very long week. Eh, it was about average actually. 7 or so days. So average and not exciting.

I didn't exactly do a whole lot. I mean, yes, I spent some time with people on campus, I met all my roommates (not pissed off any more, haven't been for a while - but there hasn't been a post to let you know that so...), I bought my books and supplies, and I started classes. Not exciting at all.

Hahahaha, LIES! It's been very exciting. First a couple of comments though. One, I HATE the weather. And I'm still not loving this school. Two, the awesome-to-lame teacher ration is really lacking in the awesome dept.

Ok, so first week was cool. My Bible class sucks, our teacher makes us sings hymns at the end of class (MAKES us), and he thinks he's really cool (he's not). Art classes are super awesome, except they're all in a row and make up two 8 hour days without breaks. Not so cool, but that was kind of my fault last year in arranging them. First screenwriting class tomorrow, and that should be fun. Other than that, just trying to get some sleep and some free time before it vanishes forever.

Got most of the rest of my art supplies, still need a few more but I'm going to wait until I get some more money from the school. In the mean time I have what I need to keep myself busy. I haven't spent nearly enough time playing with art yet, at least not my projects. Maybe in a weekend or two.

Speaking of art supplies, my art portfolio is HUGE! I use it as a tent in my room. I'm actually in it right now. I'm waiting to post videos to people on Facebook. Facebook is being stupid however.

A couple other things - drawing is bugging me. Decided I like 'She Wants Revenge' very much, and also decided it might be time to go through my FB info and update some things.

And that is it. That's everything. Ish.

Tonight's title is from VNV's 'Sentinel' on Of Faith, Power, and Glory.

Mayhaps I'll write another post soon.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Back to the Crypt

...Nothing will last, we'll all fade away in one single blast.

Clearly I've returned to school. I'm such a fan.

Last year people would have called me a pessimist and I would have argued that I'm a realist. This year, people still call me a pessimist and I can't help but agree with them. At least I'm rational. Kind of. At least I hope so. I act rationally, but I do vent something fierce. Example: I had my own room. After five straight hours of unpacking one of my roommates showed up and informed me that 'they' (don't know if that means all of them, or a small majority) had group decided that the room I was in should be used to extend the living room. Oh, and that "I probably should have told you sooner".

Really? You think so? I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting someone spend five hours unpacking and then telling them "we" decided. For the sake of argument and the fact that I have to live with these people for a year, I just did it. But you'd think people would have a little respect. Honestly, it pisses me off incredibly, but it also proves a great deal of what I've said and felt over this summer. Honour is dying. People don't care anymore, they don't even try. At APU in particular, most people don't even know what it is to think of someone else before yourself. And it makes all the more aggravating to me that this is supposed to be a Christian college. I don't care what your religious views are, but if you're going to stand behind it, you best do it if you want my respect. The hypocrisy b.s. is what drives me insane. Everyone just stands by, and says, 'oh, it's the world we live in'. We do live in a world that's completely screwed, but it's made that way by the people in it.

In the end I'm in room, no longer to myself (which would have made me very happy), and I will eventually be getting a roommate. I don't mind having a roommate. I don't mind sharing a room. I'd prefer neither, not because of the person, but because I'm antisocial and I'm going to be doing a lot of projects that might bother other people. I think of these things, because as much as I think most of the people I encounter are an edification of everything I hate, I still take time to think about them. Clearly there was a evolutionary gap when it came to some of my roommates.

And by the way, I'm also not speaking behind their backs. This blog is open to the public, including them, and I post direct links to it that they have access to. If they read this, they'll know my thoughts. If they ask me about it, I will repeat everything I've said. If they ask me how I feel whether they've read this or not, I will gladly share my opinion. That is far as the extent of my goodwill goes. I care how people feel, until they want answers, then they better want the truth, I have no time for word games and trying to play peace-maker and the compromiser. I pick my battles, and I never lose the ones I choose to fight. It's a shame I had the summer I did, otherwise I might be a little more forgiving, as it is, I've shown goodwill and compromise. Once. I like being in my room. But I know it's not really, 'mine', and that makes me glad to be elsewhere.

In other news I was talking with friends tonight about people we know and how damage is done to some of the living spaces, and it really made me wonder whether or not the school has insurance on them. I know the school takes care of a great deal of the repairs for windows and fixing walls and stuff, but at some point isn't someone going to do damage that isn't fixed with some supplies from ACE. My mom once set one of the places she lived on fire just because she forgot to blow out all the candles she had lit. We have protection against that (school's philosophy - protect by forbidding), but someone is going to want to break the rules one day and but paper on a hot plate, or light a candle, or drive a car into a building (slightly impressive in it's own right - internet worthy). These are things that happen on those rare occasions and it's not like you can call maintenance to come patch them up. It was an interesting segway.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Shelter' by Icon of Coil. I like the lyrics, I like the beat. It is not, however, the music I'm listening to currently. Right now I'm enjoying the band, She Wants Revenge. They're played at Death Guild at the DNA Lounge sometimes, and the singer has an interesting voice with interesting lyrics. I would recommend 'Out of Control' or 'I Don't Want to Fall in Love'.

And I also spoke to my friends about a couple of ideas I had. One in particular that I like because it seems funny to me, is to lay make a video of a black cloth, with black-gloved hands laying out dangerous looking tools out on it to the sound of one of the songs from Hitman: Blood Money. Then after all the really odd, creepy tools are laid out lovingly, the video would go on to say something about art being dangerous. I have some very creepy art supplies - when set out appropriately. An X-Acto knife laid out next to a hand saw, some wire cutters, and a metal file and some other dark-looking tools - might be a great ad ^_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

I, DREAD LORD OF SHADOWS

What a week. Three days actually. Sunday I stayed home while my mom went out to go shopping and while Rick was at work. They came home, we went to the park, they walked, I biked, we went back to the house, we ate, we watched a movie, we went to bed. My day. I ended up staying awake (intentionally for a change) to start a new story. I wrote three pages in about two hours – a very good start based on my other stuff. The story I have fifteen pages of I've worked on for about 20 ish hours, and it took three hours to get the first page done, so I'm looking forward to this one. I hit a slight roadblock when I got to a point I was going to introduce a new character in, and I realized that I packed the book I needed. Irritating.

Speaking of irritating, my mother. I love my mom, I really do, but we're only good to spend a few hours together before we aggravate each other and max a few days. Depending on her mood, we get along for greater lengths of time or significantly shorter amounts of time. Currently – less. It's a boring house – Rick's fun but works all day, there's no internet, all my stuff is packed, so no books, no ANYTHING! Occasionally I'll play with some of my swords which are at the house, but there's only so many things you can slice with a sword before you move from playing into vandalism. So I spend all day doing nothing and all night writing or listening to music. I have been playing with some new gel pens I got from Costco – they make me happy. I have an entire page of neon and metallic doodles from a few hours I killed with those.

Here's something that I take issue with: I get a new laptop. I don't really need my old one, even though I'd kind of like to keep it around for one semester just in case I need a file or Windows. My mom calls me before I pack and says, “can I have it?”. Against my better judgement and my gut feeling, I say 'yes'. Since I've been here, I've tried to show her what I've set up on it for her (she wants to use it for writing a book on her life, so I installed a bunch of word processing programs for her to choose from), and she says, 'ok!'. It's been two days, she's had HOURS of free time, and she's putting photo albums together. I didn't say anything for the sake of argument, but I'm giving her my computer that I still kind of need and she can't be bothered to at least look at the stuff I set up for her!? It's this selfishness of hers that really pisses me off. That and hearing all her thoughts on her boyfriend. Even he gets sick of it, but he doesn't say anything because then she'll apologize in the same manner for hours on end.

And this is the part of my life where I realize that my cynicism and apathy come from the people in my life. I stopped caring about people and myself when I got guilt trips from people growing up. I grew to hate being complemented (not always, there are certain people who compliment me and it doesn't bother me – kind of like being called 'Joey', it varies from person to person) because compliments were always desperately needed and not given, or because my mom would go on forever to people about me as “her amazing son”. I hate being made to look like I belong to people, I'm not a prize. I learned to hate ignorance. Not bad in a small dosage, but to hate all ignorance indiscriminately? I hate in other and I hate in myself, I've found it to be a poor quality that makes you look more foolish than hypocrisy (don't even get me started). I hate cheesy relationships, the facade that people create, pretending to be happy while being eaten away by their issues. Whether they hide their issues from others or pretend they don't exist at all, it pisses me off – no one is perfect, and there's always people who see what's going on anyways. Ahhh, the joys of growing up as me. The nice thing is, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I like who I am. The downside, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I'm built on things I hate.

“I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted by the conventional method of the approach to this situation. I've come up with nothing.”

But that's why I have my aunts. I love them all dearly and I can get along with them without issue indefinitely. And I also have some wonderful friends, who all have some pretty wonderful advice. Hahaha, everything from the “blow it up” options to the “ you always have a right to change direction if pressure becomes too great” options. I usually go with the latter and the ones that fall in the middle, but the former are fun and relaxing.

So today (Tuesday) my mom walks into my room and tells me we're packing all the stuff up and leaving in like an hour. Kind of cool, but one hour notice to move a truck-full of stuff to another truck and leave? Kind of ridiculous. But it's better than leaving in the middle of the night on Thursday.

Had a pretty good drive down to SOCAL. Just my mom and I because we didn't have room for Rick. We listened to music, which wasn't great, but it also wasn't terrible (my mother hates 80's music, I live off of music created and based off of the 80's – we have music issues). Mostly we played music or she cursed at drivers. We finally made it down though, got checked into a hotel because we missed the housing checkin for school (-_-) and then had dinner at Applebee's. Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. Went to Trader Joe's, FYE (my mom got Go – The Best of Moby (Moby we agree on)), Marshall's (waste of time), and Bed Bath and Beyond.

Then back to the hotel, watch the night fade when she calls Rick (I really feel for him, when I'm not trying not to vomit), and then blog without internet while I try to sleep in an arm chair. That's right, I'm writing this WAYY before you'll read it. I'll post it when I'm online at APU. Until then, enjoy the commentary from the crap armchair. Honestly though, it's not bad, I chose to sleep in the chair, it's a thousand times more comfortable than the hotel bed – but I had to put up with a good thirty minutes of my mom asking the same questions over and over. My final answer? I DON'T want a pillow. I think she drank too much, but NO she'd NEVER do that!

Hate hypocrisy.

I also seriously hate my dreams as of late. I've had some pretty awesome dreams, but some just SUCK! Last night I had a dream I woke up thirsty, went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Woke up parched. Went to the kitchen and got water, silently cursing the fact that I have to actually LIVE my dream. I mean, living a dream is great! But not if your dream is reality! That's the entire point!!!

Still rather dream about needing water than some of the other ones. Four nights in a row I dreamt of encounters with different people, and each time I'd help them in some way, then wake up and ask myself, “WHY would I do that?!”. Simple answer is because I keep my promises. Sigh.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Cernunnos' by Faith and the Muse. I could explain why I like this song, but I think I've used enough space on the blog already, so I'll let it explain itself.

Of your anger

Your ignorance

Your blindness

Your greed

Your progress

Your conquest

Your mania

Your need

Your sorrow

Your sickness

Your final, parting breath

Your hatred

Your bloodshed

Your future

Your death

I will have none

I, dread lord of shadows

With broken spell

Unto this rotting age

I bid farewell

Blessed be

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

We Are Functional...

...we are efficient.

We are prepared and self sufficient.

And we only destroy for the greater good

so you can be free to consume more as you should,

and lead a better life.

Last week in the Bay before heading up North for a few days and then heading to APU. I forgot what I did on Monday, but Tuesday I spent the day in the SF with Teenie and Rosales. Fun day – we went to Pier 39, bought cupcakes at Ghiradelli Square (expensive but delicious). On our way back we passed some really awesome artwork and ended up talking to the artist, who was a super awesome British guy with an awesome sense of humour. He had some crazy awesome airbrush pieces, one in particular that totally blew my mind was a set of three that were all completely interchangeable. So after a long talk with him about art, which was enlightening and fun, we headed to lunch. After a thirty minute walk and four or so restaurant choices we ended up at Pizza Orgasmica (good choice). Then we walked to the Apple Store and spent an hour there checking out the headphones on Rosales' iPod. A $300 pair of Bose were incredibly kick-ass, and made every song sound...perfect? Then we left Teenie at the bus and headed back to Rosales' to watch tv and play video games. The usual.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability?

Why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Wednesday - I played music and goofed around on Facebook.

We are dysfunctional, and inefficient.

We're unprepared, we are deficient.

And we only kill for the bottom line

so you can be free to consume more as you should,

and lead a better life.

Thursday I got to hang out with Rosales one last time, and we watched Boondock Saints. It's always a good day when someone who hasn't seen it watches it for the first time. We also spent a few hours with Spencer, playing games (etc.), and dinner at a cheesesteak place in the City. It was super good. Went well after Chinese food for lunch. Good day seeing them both, and a fun day on it's own.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability?

Why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Friday I had sushi with a friend, then went to Pacifica and spent a few hours with the art teacher from my high school and spent a few hours on hold with Adobe trying to get some licensing figured out. In the end I ended up with CS3 again, this time activated, and still legal. It was also fun to hang out with my teacher one last time, since I wouldn't have had time to visit her before I left.

What happened to make us want to be blind?

What is it in us that made us believe in all of the lies

spoon-fed to us by the ones who only stand to profit from our loss,

exploiting our misery and selling it back to us for a cost?

Saturday I found out that I was heading up to my mom's in the afternoon rather than three days later, which means more time away from the Bay and that I can't hang out with Teenie again before I go back to school. Pissed me off. Good news was I got to see my family for the September birthday parties. I spent the entire morning packing – I have WAYYY too much crap. My mom and her BF came early so we could load up the car and not have transfer junk later. My mom decided she'd go say hello to some neighbors while we loaded everything up. I'm all for being friendly, but I'm also totally into pulling my own weight when it's needed. Birthday parties were fun. I got to see all the family members I wouldn't have seen until Christmas, and I got to say another goodbye to my aunt and talk to my other aunt on the phone (FINALLY!! Texting is fine to k.i.t. but I like to speak with loved ones too on occasion!). Left from there with my mom and her Rick up to her place to spend five days there until we drive down to APU.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability,

why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Tonight's title and lyrics are from the song 'Functional', by Imperative Reaction. I'm a fan of all the IR songs I have (all of them) – they call out hypocrisy, lies, irony...basically the songs are about the world as it is. This song in particular is a personal favourite, even more so recently. I'm getting really sick of hypocrisy and BS, in everything from politics to conversations with people. It'd be nice if it ended soon.

Anyways, I'm off for a week with my mom and no internet. Joy.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light