Tuesday, August 23, 2011


...I can just keep using this blog. Less set-up time.

Laziness is the foundation of our society. We're told as children to not be lazy. But then we're groomed to appreciate direct authority figures who are laid-back. "Laid-back" is professional vernacular for "lazy". Laid-back people bother me a bit. They get so little done! There's a time and place for it of course, but the work world isn't. I'm not a laid-back worker. I'm described by others as a "vindictive ass who never gives us a break". That's "laid-back" vernacular for: My job is to get shit done, so I do, and you're going to carry your weight in this machine or you're going to be replaced.

People are interchangeable gears in whatever machine they function as a part of. Sure we have soft, unique, snowflakes of people. We have thousands. Millions. Maybe more. First rule of business, there's always someone who can do what you can. True, they may never be found. They may be miles away, speak a different language, hate being in the position you find yourself in, or even be trapped away in your basement eating stale bread and drinking from bottled Gatorade (the leftovers of your pathetic shopping trips) because you know if any of them gets out and gets seen you'll quickly be replaced (you unhealthy, "laid-back, bastard).

Not that I don't have my laid-back moments. More so lately. But I keep them separate from work. Unless it's classwork, but I have valid and extensive reasons for that philosophy.

Speaking of: I'm sick of describing how philosophy has to do with different political standpoints and federalist views in the modern American political system. But good news, thesis is finished!

Never taking a govt class again...not even if the professor is as awesome as the one I have. Tea with a professor that awesome, however? Absolutely.

But now that the whole 'paper' thing is out of the way, I can get back to what matters. I can start working on the 'higher plane' of intellectual study again. Do research on that subject of observation, measurement, and experimentation.

It's art. If you were thinking something else, you were just thinking of art in a different form. You're probably one of those people who thinks as ice and water and air as being different too. Maybe even think of yourself as unique. Special. One of a kind. You are. And not in a sarcastic tone either. Just an acknowledgement that you have that right at least.

Didn't he say we aren't unique? We're all replaceable? Interchangeable?

Yes. But not on the deepest levels of who we are as people. I was speaking in terms of skills, processes, and why you worry about keeping your job. I think you're unique aside from that. I can't say that I'm supportive of your version of being unique, maybe you like be different from everyone else by shoving gummy bears under your eyelids. I can't say that's something that would throw me into a frenzy to want to spend time with you. If it was your nose, maybe then at least we'd have something in common.

We wouldn't, actually. I'd dislike you for trying to copy me. Or for being vain in your assumption we'd get along and be friends.

Especially if you're male. I really struggle to find common ground with men on a personal level. I think the majority of men are assholes. Vain, prideful, cruel, and most of the time just stupid in social situations. The men that I get along best with are the ones that agree with this. If you can't find it in yourself to hate (or even something as extreme as dislike) something about yourself on the grounds of spite or principle, then we would never get along.

'Standing' is playing on the Death Guild playlist from last night. If there was ever something to be happy about for intrinsic reasons, this would be one of them. Unless it's my ringtone going off, because I can never tell which one the song originates from. I could check my phone, but I think I'd rather wait the two minutes for the phone to restart the loop to be judge of that.

I'm going to avoid talking about VNV Nation for a little bit longer. Maybe even skip it entirely.



And then you will be in a world of shit!

Grendel is on now, with 'Soilbleed'. Nice family-friendly quote from Full Metal Jacket there. In the song as well. I should re-watch that soon. I've been meaning to, actually.

Maybe after I watch Pastperfect again. It's time, I can't put it off any longer. VNV Nation.

Two concerts coming up for me, and a new album. Don't know if either one excites me more. I'm really hoping to bring Ronan and Mark some cookies this time seeing them live. Also hoping to take the gf. I'm not going to force her to go, or force her to like them, but I would like to spend time with her and VNV Nation. Bringing the highlights of my life together. Going to get more people to go as well. Already hooked a few. Showed them the (never-ending) light. Having the tattoo helps in drawing people in.

What's that part of your tattoo?
It's the never-ending light. VNV and the eternal Flame.
That looks really cool! What's VNV?
VNV Nation. Stands for Victory not Vengeance. You've never heard? (of course not)
No, what do they sound like?

That's where it ends for them. They hear the music and they either love it, or never speak to me again. Kidding. I usually have a much longer talk about other things music and life related. Maybe share stories. Get drinks. Sit close to each other on the sofa. Donate their organs while they're lying on ice in the bathtub. Just that once. The other time he woke up, what a mess. Kept slipping on the bl...ice. Yes, the thick, viscous, sticky, red ice that covered the floor.

Kidding!!! Don't take everything so seriously darling.

Clearly I've been reading I,Lucifer again. Can't you tell from the writing style?
The disjointed sentences. The stream of consciousness. The Italics?

no? oh well. what a shame. so much effort. on grammar. punctuation.


All to try and please you. That is, if you've read this far (doubtful). Here's a test. Comment. Say hello. Nice to see you again. Nice to hear your thoughts. Missed your muted, derisive voice.

I missed you too. That's a lie. I've only just thought about you. Hiding in the back of my mind as my day got in the way, then my week, and my year and finally my life. All more important than you until now. Until I felt guilty enough to write you again. Until I remembered you hadn't left. Basically, I did what you did. I got busy in my happy little world. I walked by all the unhappy truths.

Thousands of people die every day
Thousands of people forgot to live
Millions of dollars wasted on our egos
Not enough money to buy salvation with

Here's a question for whoever made it this far, and used to read these from the beginning. Remember these? How many times a day do you think about the people in the gutters of life. How many times a day do you think bout the people you trample, neglect, or avert your eyes from. Last night my shadow went to heaven. Do you do this? Do you just not like thinking about all of them because it's depressing? My body here, my soul in hell. Do you only think about the positive things in life and block out the negative to guard your heart? Last night I killed I can't remember who I killed or why I laughed. Do you ever think about doing anything? Telling anyone? Talking about it? Saying, my god i wish there was something i could do...? Last night was never supposed to happen,... Or maybe even go out and just give one of them a hand. Step down into the gutter with them for a minute to let them know they're seen. ...today I woke in a rain of blood. Ever think about joining them for a minute to remind them that even though you're not doing anything to help you still see their dignity?

I do. I don't do it often enough. I just look, watch them doing whatever they're doing. Thinking: I know what to do, but I know I'm not going to. It's eats away sometimes. Tears little holes into my mind and soul. Shreds my image of myself in my mind, so I see myself as one of them. Them. A separate group of something else. It doesn't bother me too much though. I know where I fail. I know where I succeed. For now I'm just going to be what I am. Maybe something will change, maybe it won't, but at least I'll be responsible for what I did and did not do.

Maybe I'll be a penguin.


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