Post Script

You can see what's going on from now on here:

http://livingfurther.blogspot.com/

Maximus Ex

Look up the Latin if you don't know what the title means.

Something came about from all of this. Be patient, while I go pour myself some tea and watch the egg tremble and slowly hatch. Then I'll take it somewhere safe and start something new. Don't know how long it'll last, but It'll exist until it dies or until it can go off on it's own.

In case you read this (and for you who STILL do... -_- (yeah, 15 minutes on the site catches my eye, I'm crazy, not stupid)), thought I'd let you know.

Keep you posted.

Cheers,

-J. H. Maximus

Fini

So it's the end of January, and I'm keeping with what I said about ending the blog. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to come up with stuff to talk about, tired of ranting, and tired of voicing hatred over whatever gets my fancy for an evening. But this is still the last post, so there should really be something on here to echo those themes. Don't have to like it, just have to come up with it.

I do feel like I should let it return to the ashes though. The first original posts that I wrote ended with a question to which readers could respond, and usually they were just B.S. jokes or opinions that I could live without but didn't mind reading. To be honest I only remember one question/response series in detail and it wasn't very serious at all. There were a few responses that were serious, good comment conversations, but my memory isn't what it once was. Four years ago I could hear a conversation across a room and recite it the next week. Now I can barely remember what topic I'm on if I get distracted.

There is something I would like to end this with though. Rather than a final question on the post that you're free to respond to, I'd like to end this with a dialogue that you can still comment on, but also just think about. Or ignore, to be honest, I didn't care about getting responses up until now, I'm not going to start.

Where I'm going in life from here, I want to ask myself, "If I don't wake up tomorrow, am I happy with the person I am? And if not, I better start getting it together." So from here on out, I'm doing what I haven't done ever, and I'm breaking all my promises. Every single one. Some I will remake, but some I look back on and I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I've made promises that if I don't break will never let me be a different person, and all that really matters to me right now is trying to do better. I don't think I can just cold-turkey wipe hate from my heart, but I can show it less, act it less. I can walk away from people who have walked away from me. I promised to look out for some people, but right now I watch them throw all they have away, and while I would like to help them, there's nothing I can do but hope that someday they turn around and dig themselves out of their hole. I can be there then, no promises, but I'm not going to dive into Hell with them.

So I'm trying to do better. You can take that as you like, but I believe there are right and wrong choices, and I've intentionally been making the wrong ones recently. I'd like to change that. So I've got a new look, a new goal, and new promises to make and keep.

If any of this doesn't sit well with you, if you don't like what I have to say...I'm sorry. But not as sorry as you.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Don't Wake Me Up

So here's the deal (haha, one of many), after January, this blog will be phasing out. I'm not tired of blogging, I'm not out of topics, it's just time for an end. Everything reaches a point where it's had a good run, but needs to be set aside and let other things progress. However, there are always those irritable exceptions that run their full life and then drag on further and you only watch them fall into ruin. It's a new year, I'd like to put as much to rest as possible - simply because it's time. As a matter of fact, the greatest of these has long since had it's time. You don't have to agree or like the outcome, but to put it very simply and bluntly (my apologies), it doesn't matter you're perspective - some things are inevitable. Besides, you'll get over it. Although, should there be some of you who cannot, then I ask only one thing: try. Trying gets people very far in many situations, even if they don't succeed.

So what's next? That's a good question. Better start with the present and work from there. Ah, hell, why not the past? Good as any other starting place.

But then again summaries are much more entertaining. Or at least easier to read through. For example, during my psychology class, I found the greatest possible summary of life ever. It's called 'Life' by Shannon Wheeler. Here:

Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, first love, brief happiness, break up, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, work, play, work, play, work, idealism, effort, rejection, failure, compromise, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, retire, play, die.

There. That is my past (minus most of the work) Present goes beyond that, yes beyond death. If you don't know this story, hurry up and ask.

And cheers to friends for that. Proof that people care about you. How sweet. How loving. Self-sacrificing. A chance for renewal. Rebirth. Second chances.

How about the rift with peace? Maybe someone was a little selfish? Not the most fully thought out plan. But hey, men. I can attest, I happen to be one. But true friends are the ones you keep even when they screw up, even when you can't undo what they've done. And what's more, a true friend is one who still accepts blame even when it's you're fault. They don't deserve it, they only had the best intentions, and had you been in their shoes you would have made the same decision. It's the complete and total failure that only friends could create.

And life goes on. For two years. And look where it's all gone. Look at what's been accomplished. Oh, aren't we special...

Hahaha, if only I'd known.

But like most, I didn't. I participated in making a choice and it was the wrong one. And this is where I find the silver lining.

I helped create my circumstances, and I'm going to help myself fix it. ^_^

Give me a sign. Give me a dream to hold onto.

I've been away for far too long. I'm sorry. But it was necessary. End of the semester along with a break in sanity is not a great time to be spending time ranting on the internet. But the semester is finished, and finals are complete. Sanity is still...well I don't really know. I try to clear my mind, I try to clear my heart, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Over the last month I've found bits of lots of things in both. Partly because of the time of year, partly because of circumstances in life, but either way - I have more ghosts and demons than usual.

Christmas: some people love it, some people hate it. Some people celebrate family, some people try and get through with it all because spending an entire day with all your relatives and having them bring up every thing you've done wrong 'out of love' is just too much. I'm...I don't much like this holiday, not because I feel that Christmas is wrong or that I don't like celebrating it, but this is a season to remember thing's I'd rather not. Not easy when you have a physical reminder marring your flesh. We all have a time to live, and we all live for peace. Well I had it, and thanks to love and friendship I lost it. Here's to the season of bitterness, and to hopes that I don't have to wait as long as everyone says. And for those opposed who 'care', please please please, let me be next time.

But time passes. Floats around us. Does bugger all. Yay time.

Christmas is the time of Joy. Hope. Forgiveness and the new year. New life. New birth. But it's also the time we burn each other the most. We don't deserve it. We don't need to tear ourselves further to bits over petty shit. So so pointless. Everything.

I want a moment of peace. I want to have the black. Cold and numb, everything is gone. Sit in nothingness and be nothing. I want to stop wondering, about what I'm doing, where I am, who I am. I want to escape myself for an eternity and never come back to all this, never com back to watching pain and knowing nothing. To seeing people torn apart and just watching, wanting to step in, to comfort, to say something that fixes it all. But I don't. It's just too much of who I was years ago and not who I am now.

The angel who stood by your side, watched over you, protected you under my wings. Still haven't left your side, still keeping my promise, but it's been so long now, there's not much left of that. Broken wings, still protecting, but no longer any comfort. Just a shadow of something great, nothing like the great creatures I see around you.

Haha, always strange explaining that away. "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing. The wall."

....On crazy people:

Right. So news: finished the semester, had one last gathering with good people at apu, drove up with Ellen and Kathryn, did christmas shopping, saw Rosales (I'm not home until I've seen friends), and now spending time with my aunt until xmas parties. Then a few days without internet, then back home for new years and hopefully to see the other Horsemen, then god-knows-what until I have to go back to socal.

Spent about an hour tonight making some magic decks because we started playing at school. We do figure out ways to waste our time. And oh, how we waste it.

I'm truly very sorry. Don't know if it matters. Don't know what else to say. Don't know why I'm saying it. Sorry if it's seemed as though I've been lost to you I guess. But I never left. I never do. Always, always there. It's the only thing I know, the only place where I know what to do completely.

Grab onto that last ember before it goes out and just run. Burns like hell, scars badly, but somehow I feel that something's finally right. Something in the pain reminds me I'm alive to feel something. The scar goes with all the others, but this one I'll remember, because this one is me. Hahahaha, and a fire in my eyes. Good timing of musical lyrics.

Listening to Pride and Fall. Got me through last xmas break when I was working in the factory, listened to My Little on my way to work each day. Now it's Adored to try and remember all that's burned away since...i can't even remember how long it's been. too long.

*sigh*

soon to be 10 years. I think I can prove them wrong though, I think I can pull it off this year. So that's MY new years resolution - finish it by the end of 2010. Against it? Stop me. I need a challenge. Time to fly again.

Haha ^_^

To the darkened skies once more, and ever onward.

-Umbra Obscura

Can you see what I see? Can you hear what I hear?

Visions of destruction, the sound of fear. The source of my evil is inside you, dear.

Sorry for being gone for so long. I'll return soon, though, because it's in my nature. Always there, invisible in the shadows. Until then,

Cheers,

Umbra Obscura

I've Been Invited by the Light of the Moon

Going to keep this one short because I'd like to get some sleep tonight.

Bullets. Bullets are good. Except that I don't want to format them...so hyphens it is.

-Calvin and Hobbes is not the book you should read to lull yourself to sleep. You will laugh and wake yourself and your roommate up.

-Paranoia runs the brain, slowly drives a man insane.

-Nosebleeds are back - THANK GOD!!! (this means a break from the headache)

-Berlin gets the greatest weather EVER, and I'm very jealous.

-I forgot how cold I get after a nosebleed.

-You either don't understand, don't want to understand, or I'm putting too much (and I'm not putting in much) effort to see if you even care. I'm sorry. It's all I can say. As usual.

-Ryuk is always welcome to visit me.

-Stick with strawberry, although coconut wasn't too bad.

-The world is far too bright, and far too loud - super awesome to get away from that tonight.

-P.S. You're wrong, btw.

-Last night my shadow went to heaven, my body here, my soul in hell.

-Ryuk, I have apples.

-Self, I have 3 more tayaki! ^_^

-County of LA, State of CA - I want my money back, and I'd be glad to finish what I started.

-Today I woke to a rain of blood.

-I'm feeling pale, and I'd like to take pictures - but when both hands are covered in blood it can get on my camera.

-I'll accept your challenge, if you think you can beat me.

-L, you lose. Light wins. I'm happy.

-This is my rifle, it is my life.

-P.P.S. And why??? Seriously? You cannot possibly think this is worth it. You can't possibly be enjoying this?

-I want your blood.

-Crackers and tea improve focus by 10%

-'Til there is no enemy.

-My element is water. Fire is my opposite. I'm finding this more and more ironic and true as of late.

-There are lots of little things in this post for people who get it.

-I want you to feel my pain. I cut my name in your heart, I can't live without your love. I want to drown in your blood. I can't live with your pain, but I can't live, I can't live without your love.

-Grim Optimism

-I fell up the other day

-Getting four guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing L4D2 is awesome. We do exceptionally well.

-Getting two guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing Settlers is TERRIBLE. We do exceptionally poorly.

-A nosebleed would be much better during class than during my sleep. Cleaner, and more productive.

-I have a red pillow that says I never lied about the 'pint'

-In solitary heaven the victimized are bound by love from within.

-It's already been 45 minutes, this is the longest short post ever.

FYI, if you're reading this, I've just described everything since the last post and all the things I left out of the last post. If it's directed at 'you' it's probably not directed at YOU. Unless you're actually reading this, in which case, yes, it's at you, and you should go back and check some of the other stuff. Or you can decide to keep this up, sadly I don't care, which is why I'm here - I don't know you're reasons.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light