OR......

...I can just keep using this blog. Less set-up time.

Laziness is the foundation of our society. We're told as children to not be lazy. But then we're groomed to appreciate direct authority figures who are laid-back. "Laid-back" is professional vernacular for "lazy". Laid-back people bother me a bit. They get so little done! There's a time and place for it of course, but the work world isn't. I'm not a laid-back worker. I'm described by others as a "vindictive ass who never gives us a break". That's "laid-back" vernacular for: My job is to get shit done, so I do, and you're going to carry your weight in this machine or you're going to be replaced.

People are interchangeable gears in whatever machine they function as a part of. Sure we have soft, unique, snowflakes of people. We have thousands. Millions. Maybe more. First rule of business, there's always someone who can do what you can. True, they may never be found. They may be miles away, speak a different language, hate being in the position you find yourself in, or even be trapped away in your basement eating stale bread and drinking from bottled Gatorade (the leftovers of your pathetic shopping trips) because you know if any of them gets out and gets seen you'll quickly be replaced (you unhealthy, "laid-back, bastard).

Not that I don't have my laid-back moments. More so lately. But I keep them separate from work. Unless it's classwork, but I have valid and extensive reasons for that philosophy.

Speaking of: I'm sick of describing how philosophy has to do with different political standpoints and federalist views in the modern American political system. But good news, thesis is finished!

Never taking a govt class again...not even if the professor is as awesome as the one I have. Tea with a professor that awesome, however? Absolutely.

But now that the whole 'paper' thing is out of the way, I can get back to what matters. I can start working on the 'higher plane' of intellectual study again. Do research on that subject of observation, measurement, and experimentation.

It's art. If you were thinking something else, you were just thinking of art in a different form. You're probably one of those people who thinks as ice and water and air as being different too. Maybe even think of yourself as unique. Special. One of a kind. You are. And not in a sarcastic tone either. Just an acknowledgement that you have that right at least.

Didn't he say we aren't unique? We're all replaceable? Interchangeable?

Yes. But not on the deepest levels of who we are as people. I was speaking in terms of skills, processes, and why you worry about keeping your job. I think you're unique aside from that. I can't say that I'm supportive of your version of being unique, maybe you like be different from everyone else by shoving gummy bears under your eyelids. I can't say that's something that would throw me into a frenzy to want to spend time with you. If it was your nose, maybe then at least we'd have something in common.

We wouldn't, actually. I'd dislike you for trying to copy me. Or for being vain in your assumption we'd get along and be friends.

Especially if you're male. I really struggle to find common ground with men on a personal level. I think the majority of men are assholes. Vain, prideful, cruel, and most of the time just stupid in social situations. The men that I get along best with are the ones that agree with this. If you can't find it in yourself to hate (or even something as extreme as dislike) something about yourself on the grounds of spite or principle, then we would never get along.

'Standing' is playing on the Death Guild playlist from last night. If there was ever something to be happy about for intrinsic reasons, this would be one of them. Unless it's my ringtone going off, because I can never tell which one the song originates from. I could check my phone, but I think I'd rather wait the two minutes for the phone to restart the loop to be judge of that.

I'm going to avoid talking about VNV Nation for a little bit longer. Maybe even skip it entirely.

....

.....right.

And then you will be in a world of shit!

Grendel is on now, with 'Soilbleed'. Nice family-friendly quote from Full Metal Jacket there. In the song as well. I should re-watch that soon. I've been meaning to, actually.

Maybe after I watch Pastperfect again. It's time, I can't put it off any longer. VNV Nation.

Two concerts coming up for me, and a new album. Don't know if either one excites me more. I'm really hoping to bring Ronan and Mark some cookies this time seeing them live. Also hoping to take the gf. I'm not going to force her to go, or force her to like them, but I would like to spend time with her and VNV Nation. Bringing the highlights of my life together. Going to get more people to go as well. Already hooked a few. Showed them the (never-ending) light. Having the tattoo helps in drawing people in.

What's that part of your tattoo?

It's the never-ending light. VNV and the eternal Flame.

That looks really cool! What's VNV?

VNV Nation. Stands for Victory not Vengeance. You've never heard? (of course not)

No, what do they sound like?

That's where it ends for them. They hear the music and they either love it, or never speak to me again. Kidding. I usually have a much longer talk about other things music and life related. Maybe share stories. Get drinks. Sit close to each other on the sofa. Donate their organs while they're lying on ice in the bathtub. Just that once. The other time he woke up, what a mess. Kept slipping on the bl...ice. Yes, the thick, viscous, sticky, red ice that covered the floor.

Kidding!!! Don't take everything so seriously darling.

Clearly I've been reading I,Lucifer again. Can't you tell from the writing style?

The disjointed sentences. The stream of consciousness. The Italics?

no? oh well. what a shame. so much effort. on grammar. punctuation.

nuance.

All to try and please you. That is, if you've read this far (doubtful). Here's a test. Comment. Say hello. Nice to see you again. Nice to hear your thoughts. Missed your muted, derisive voice.

I missed you too. That's a lie. I've only just thought about you. Hiding in the back of my mind as my day got in the way, then my week, and my year and finally my life. All more important than you until now. Until I felt guilty enough to write you again. Until I remembered you hadn't left. Basically, I did what you did. I got busy in my happy little world. I walked by all the unhappy truths.

Thousands of people die every day

Thousands of people forgot to live

Millions of dollars wasted on our egos

Not enough money to buy salvation with

Here's a question for whoever made it this far, and used to read these from the beginning. Remember these? How many times a day do you think about the people in the gutters of life. How many times a day do you think bout the people you trample, neglect, or avert your eyes from. Last night my shadow went to heaven. Do you do this? Do you just not like thinking about all of them because it's depressing? My body here, my soul in hell. Do you only think about the positive things in life and block out the negative to guard your heart? Last night I killed I can't remember who I killed or why I laughed. Do you ever think about doing anything? Telling anyone? Talking about it? Saying, my god i wish there was something i could do...? Last night was never supposed to happen,... Or maybe even go out and just give one of them a hand. Step down into the gutter with them for a minute to let them know they're seen. ...today I woke in a rain of blood. Ever think about joining them for a minute to remind them that even though you're not doing anything to help you still see their dignity?

I do. I don't do it often enough. I just look, watch them doing whatever they're doing. Thinking: I know what to do, but I know I'm not going to. It's eats away sometimes. Tears little holes into my mind and soul. Shreds my image of myself in my mind, so I see myself as one of them. Them. A separate group of something else. It doesn't bother me too much though. I know where I fail. I know where I succeed. For now I'm just going to be what I am. Maybe something will change, maybe it won't, but at least I'll be responsible for what I did and did not do.

Maybe I'll be a penguin.

-Umbra

Post Script

You can see what's going on from now on here:

http://livingfurther.blogspot.com/

Maximus Ex

Look up the Latin if you don't know what the title means.

Something came about from all of this. Be patient, while I go pour myself some tea and watch the egg tremble and slowly hatch. Then I'll take it somewhere safe and start something new. Don't know how long it'll last, but It'll exist until it dies or until it can go off on it's own.

In case you read this (and for you who STILL do... -_- (yeah, 15 minutes on the site catches my eye, I'm crazy, not stupid)), thought I'd let you know.

Keep you posted.

Cheers,

-J. H. Maximus

Fini

So it's the end of January, and I'm keeping with what I said about ending the blog. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to come up with stuff to talk about, tired of ranting, and tired of voicing hatred over whatever gets my fancy for an evening. But this is still the last post, so there should really be something on here to echo those themes. Don't have to like it, just have to come up with it.

I do feel like I should let it return to the ashes though. The first original posts that I wrote ended with a question to which readers could respond, and usually they were just B.S. jokes or opinions that I could live without but didn't mind reading. To be honest I only remember one question/response series in detail and it wasn't very serious at all. There were a few responses that were serious, good comment conversations, but my memory isn't what it once was. Four years ago I could hear a conversation across a room and recite it the next week. Now I can barely remember what topic I'm on if I get distracted.

There is something I would like to end this with though. Rather than a final question on the post that you're free to respond to, I'd like to end this with a dialogue that you can still comment on, but also just think about. Or ignore, to be honest, I didn't care about getting responses up until now, I'm not going to start.

Where I'm going in life from here, I want to ask myself, "If I don't wake up tomorrow, am I happy with the person I am? And if not, I better start getting it together." So from here on out, I'm doing what I haven't done ever, and I'm breaking all my promises. Every single one. Some I will remake, but some I look back on and I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I've made promises that if I don't break will never let me be a different person, and all that really matters to me right now is trying to do better. I don't think I can just cold-turkey wipe hate from my heart, but I can show it less, act it less. I can walk away from people who have walked away from me. I promised to look out for some people, but right now I watch them throw all they have away, and while I would like to help them, there's nothing I can do but hope that someday they turn around and dig themselves out of their hole. I can be there then, no promises, but I'm not going to dive into Hell with them.

So I'm trying to do better. You can take that as you like, but I believe there are right and wrong choices, and I've intentionally been making the wrong ones recently. I'd like to change that. So I've got a new look, a new goal, and new promises to make and keep.

If any of this doesn't sit well with you, if you don't like what I have to say...I'm sorry. But not as sorry as you.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Don't Wake Me Up

So here's the deal (haha, one of many), after January, this blog will be phasing out. I'm not tired of blogging, I'm not out of topics, it's just time for an end. Everything reaches a point where it's had a good run, but needs to be set aside and let other things progress. However, there are always those irritable exceptions that run their full life and then drag on further and you only watch them fall into ruin. It's a new year, I'd like to put as much to rest as possible - simply because it's time. As a matter of fact, the greatest of these has long since had it's time. You don't have to agree or like the outcome, but to put it very simply and bluntly (my apologies), it doesn't matter you're perspective - some things are inevitable. Besides, you'll get over it. Although, should there be some of you who cannot, then I ask only one thing: try. Trying gets people very far in many situations, even if they don't succeed.

So what's next? That's a good question. Better start with the present and work from there. Ah, hell, why not the past? Good as any other starting place.

But then again summaries are much more entertaining. Or at least easier to read through. For example, during my psychology class, I found the greatest possible summary of life ever. It's called 'Life' by Shannon Wheeler. Here:

Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, first love, brief happiness, break up, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, work, play, work, play, work, idealism, effort, rejection, failure, compromise, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, retire, play, die.

There. That is my past (minus most of the work) Present goes beyond that, yes beyond death. If you don't know this story, hurry up and ask.

And cheers to friends for that. Proof that people care about you. How sweet. How loving. Self-sacrificing. A chance for renewal. Rebirth. Second chances.

How about the rift with peace? Maybe someone was a little selfish? Not the most fully thought out plan. But hey, men. I can attest, I happen to be one. But true friends are the ones you keep even when they screw up, even when you can't undo what they've done. And what's more, a true friend is one who still accepts blame even when it's you're fault. They don't deserve it, they only had the best intentions, and had you been in their shoes you would have made the same decision. It's the complete and total failure that only friends could create.

And life goes on. For two years. And look where it's all gone. Look at what's been accomplished. Oh, aren't we special...

Hahaha, if only I'd known.

But like most, I didn't. I participated in making a choice and it was the wrong one. And this is where I find the silver lining.

I helped create my circumstances, and I'm going to help myself fix it. ^_^

Give me a sign. Give me a dream to hold onto.

I've been away for far too long. I'm sorry. But it was necessary. End of the semester along with a break in sanity is not a great time to be spending time ranting on the internet. But the semester is finished, and finals are complete. Sanity is still...well I don't really know. I try to clear my mind, I try to clear my heart, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Over the last month I've found bits of lots of things in both. Partly because of the time of year, partly because of circumstances in life, but either way - I have more ghosts and demons than usual.

Christmas: some people love it, some people hate it. Some people celebrate family, some people try and get through with it all because spending an entire day with all your relatives and having them bring up every thing you've done wrong 'out of love' is just too much. I'm...I don't much like this holiday, not because I feel that Christmas is wrong or that I don't like celebrating it, but this is a season to remember thing's I'd rather not. Not easy when you have a physical reminder marring your flesh. We all have a time to live, and we all live for peace. Well I had it, and thanks to love and friendship I lost it. Here's to the season of bitterness, and to hopes that I don't have to wait as long as everyone says. And for those opposed who 'care', please please please, let me be next time.

But time passes. Floats around us. Does bugger all. Yay time.

Christmas is the time of Joy. Hope. Forgiveness and the new year. New life. New birth. But it's also the time we burn each other the most. We don't deserve it. We don't need to tear ourselves further to bits over petty shit. So so pointless. Everything.

I want a moment of peace. I want to have the black. Cold and numb, everything is gone. Sit in nothingness and be nothing. I want to stop wondering, about what I'm doing, where I am, who I am. I want to escape myself for an eternity and never come back to all this, never com back to watching pain and knowing nothing. To seeing people torn apart and just watching, wanting to step in, to comfort, to say something that fixes it all. But I don't. It's just too much of who I was years ago and not who I am now.

The angel who stood by your side, watched over you, protected you under my wings. Still haven't left your side, still keeping my promise, but it's been so long now, there's not much left of that. Broken wings, still protecting, but no longer any comfort. Just a shadow of something great, nothing like the great creatures I see around you.

Haha, always strange explaining that away. "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing. The wall."

....On crazy people:

Right. So news: finished the semester, had one last gathering with good people at apu, drove up with Ellen and Kathryn, did christmas shopping, saw Rosales (I'm not home until I've seen friends), and now spending time with my aunt until xmas parties. Then a few days without internet, then back home for new years and hopefully to see the other Horsemen, then god-knows-what until I have to go back to socal.

Spent about an hour tonight making some magic decks because we started playing at school. We do figure out ways to waste our time. And oh, how we waste it.

I'm truly very sorry. Don't know if it matters. Don't know what else to say. Don't know why I'm saying it. Sorry if it's seemed as though I've been lost to you I guess. But I never left. I never do. Always, always there. It's the only thing I know, the only place where I know what to do completely.

Grab onto that last ember before it goes out and just run. Burns like hell, scars badly, but somehow I feel that something's finally right. Something in the pain reminds me I'm alive to feel something. The scar goes with all the others, but this one I'll remember, because this one is me. Hahahaha, and a fire in my eyes. Good timing of musical lyrics.

Listening to Pride and Fall. Got me through last xmas break when I was working in the factory, listened to My Little on my way to work each day. Now it's Adored to try and remember all that's burned away since...i can't even remember how long it's been. too long.

*sigh*

soon to be 10 years. I think I can prove them wrong though, I think I can pull it off this year. So that's MY new years resolution - finish it by the end of 2010. Against it? Stop me. I need a challenge. Time to fly again.

Haha ^_^

To the darkened skies once more, and ever onward.

-Umbra Obscura

Can you see what I see? Can you hear what I hear?

Visions of destruction, the sound of fear. The source of my evil is inside you, dear.

Sorry for being gone for so long. I'll return soon, though, because it's in my nature. Always there, invisible in the shadows. Until then,

Cheers,

Umbra Obscura