Shadow of Light

OR......

2011-08-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

...I can just keep using this blog. Less set-up time.

Laziness is the foundation of our society. We're told as children to not be lazy. But then we're groomed to appreciate direct authority figures who are laid-back. "Laid-back" is professional vernacular for "lazy". Laid-back people bother me a bit. They get so little done! There's a time and place for it of course, but the work world isn't. I'm not a laid-back worker. I'm described by others as a "vindictive ass who never gives us a break". That's "laid-back" vernacular for: My job is to get shit done, so I do, and you're going to carry your weight in this machine or you're going to be replaced.

People are interchangeable gears in whatever machine they function as a part of. Sure we have soft, unique, snowflakes of people. We have thousands. Millions. Maybe more. First rule of business, there's always someone who can do what you can. True, they may never be found. They may be miles away, speak a different language, hate being in the position you find yourself in, or even be trapped away in your basement eating stale bread and drinking from bottled Gatorade (the leftovers of your pathetic shopping trips) because you know if any of them gets out and gets seen you'll quickly be replaced (you unhealthy, "laid-back, bastard).

Not that I don't have my laid-back moments. More so lately. But I keep them separate from work. Unless it's classwork, but I have valid and extensive reasons for that philosophy.

Speaking of: I'm sick of describing how philosophy has to do with different political standpoints and federalist views in the modern American political system. But good news, thesis is finished!

Never taking a govt class again...not even if the professor is as awesome as the one I have. Tea with a professor that awesome, however? Absolutely.

But now that the whole 'paper' thing is out of the way, I can get back to what matters. I can start working on the 'higher plane' of intellectual study again. Do research on that subject of observation, measurement, and experimentation.

It's art. If you were thinking something else, you were just thinking of art in a different form. You're probably one of those people who thinks as ice and water and air as being different too. Maybe even think of yourself as unique. Special. One of a kind. You are. And not in a sarcastic tone either. Just an acknowledgement that you have that right at least.

Didn't he say we aren't unique? We're all replaceable? Interchangeable?

Yes. But not on the deepest levels of who we are as people. I was speaking in terms of skills, processes, and why you worry about keeping your job. I think you're unique aside from that. I can't say that I'm supportive of your version of being unique, maybe you like be different from everyone else by shoving gummy bears under your eyelids. I can't say that's something that would throw me into a frenzy to want to spend time with you. If it was your nose, maybe then at least we'd have something in common.

We wouldn't, actually. I'd dislike you for trying to copy me. Or for being vain in your assumption we'd get along and be friends.

Especially if you're male. I really struggle to find common ground with men on a personal level. I think the majority of men are assholes. Vain, prideful, cruel, and most of the time just stupid in social situations. The men that I get along best with are the ones that agree with this. If you can't find it in yourself to hate (or even something as extreme as dislike) something about yourself on the grounds of spite or principle, then we would never get along.

'Standing' is playing on the Death Guild playlist from last night. If there was ever something to be happy about for intrinsic reasons, this would be one of them. Unless it's my ringtone going off, because I can never tell which one the song originates from. I could check my phone, but I think I'd rather wait the two minutes for the phone to restart the loop to be judge of that.

I'm going to avoid talking about VNV Nation for a little bit longer. Maybe even skip it entirely.

....

.....right.

And then you will be in a world of shit!

Grendel is on now, with 'Soilbleed'. Nice family-friendly quote from Full Metal Jacket there. In the song as well. I should re-watch that soon. I've been meaning to, actually.

Maybe after I watch Pastperfect again. It's time, I can't put it off any longer. VNV Nation.

Two concerts coming up for me, and a new album. Don't know if either one excites me more. I'm really hoping to bring Ronan and Mark some cookies this time seeing them live. Also hoping to take the gf. I'm not going to force her to go, or force her to like them, but I would like to spend time with her and VNV Nation. Bringing the highlights of my life together. Going to get more people to go as well. Already hooked a few. Showed them the (never-ending) light. Having the tattoo helps in drawing people in.

What's that part of your tattoo?

It's the never-ending light. VNV and the eternal Flame.

That looks really cool! What's VNV?

VNV Nation. Stands for Victory not Vengeance. You've never heard? (of course not)

No, what do they sound like?

That's where it ends for them. They hear the music and they either love it, or never speak to me again. Kidding. I usually have a much longer talk about other things music and life related. Maybe share stories. Get drinks. Sit close to each other on the sofa. Donate their organs while they're lying on ice in the bathtub. Just that once. The other time he woke up, what a mess. Kept slipping on the bl...ice. Yes, the thick, viscous, sticky, red ice that covered the floor.

Kidding!!! Don't take everything so seriously darling.

Clearly I've been reading I,Lucifer again. Can't you tell from the writing style?

The disjointed sentences. The stream of consciousness. The Italics?

no? oh well. what a shame. so much effort. on grammar. punctuation.

nuance.

All to try and please you. That is, if you've read this far (doubtful). Here's a test. Comment. Say hello. Nice to see you again. Nice to hear your thoughts. Missed your muted, derisive voice.

I missed you too. That's a lie. I've only just thought about you. Hiding in the back of my mind as my day got in the way, then my week, and my year and finally my life. All more important than you until now. Until I felt guilty enough to write you again. Until I remembered you hadn't left. Basically, I did what you did. I got busy in my happy little world. I walked by all the unhappy truths.

Thousands of people die every day

Thousands of people forgot to live

Millions of dollars wasted on our egos

Not enough money to buy salvation with

Here's a question for whoever made it this far, and used to read these from the beginning. Remember these? How many times a day do you think about the people in the gutters of life. How many times a day do you think bout the people you trample, neglect, or avert your eyes from. Last night my shadow went to heaven. Do you do this? Do you just not like thinking about all of them because it's depressing? My body here, my soul in hell. Do you only think about the positive things in life and block out the negative to guard your heart? Last night I killed I can't remember who I killed or why I laughed. Do you ever think about doing anything? Telling anyone? Talking about it? Saying, my god i wish there was something i could do...? Last night was never supposed to happen,... Or maybe even go out and just give one of them a hand. Step down into the gutter with them for a minute to let them know they're seen. ...today I woke in a rain of blood. Ever think about joining them for a minute to remind them that even though you're not doing anything to help you still see their dignity?

I do. I don't do it often enough. I just look, watch them doing whatever they're doing. Thinking: I know what to do, but I know I'm not going to. It's eats away sometimes. Tears little holes into my mind and soul. Shreds my image of myself in my mind, so I see myself as one of them. Them. A separate group of something else. It doesn't bother me too much though. I know where I fail. I know where I succeed. For now I'm just going to be what I am. Maybe something will change, maybe it won't, but at least I'll be responsible for what I did and did not do.

Maybe I'll be a penguin.

-Umbra

Post Script

2010-09-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

You can see what's going on from now on here:

http://livingfurther.blogspot.com/

Maximus Ex

2010-09-28T00:39:00.000-07:00

Look up the Latin if you don't know what the title means.

Something came about from all of this. Be patient, while I go pour myself some tea and watch the egg tremble and slowly hatch. Then I'll take it somewhere safe and start something new. Don't know how long it'll last, but It'll exist until it dies or until it can go off on it's own.

In case you read this (and for you who STILL do... -_- (yeah, 15 minutes on the site catches my eye, I'm crazy, not stupid)), thought I'd let you know.

Keep you posted.

Cheers,

-J. H. Maximus

Fini

2010-01-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

So it's the end of January, and I'm keeping with what I said about ending the blog. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to come up with stuff to talk about, tired of ranting, and tired of voicing hatred over whatever gets my fancy for an evening. But this is still the last post, so there should really be something on here to echo those themes. Don't have to like it, just have to come up with it.

I do feel like I should let it return to the ashes though. The first original posts that I wrote ended with a question to which readers could respond, and usually they were just B.S. jokes or opinions that I could live without but didn't mind reading. To be honest I only remember one question/response series in detail and it wasn't very serious at all. There were a few responses that were serious, good comment conversations, but my memory isn't what it once was. Four years ago I could hear a conversation across a room and recite it the next week. Now I can barely remember what topic I'm on if I get distracted.

There is something I would like to end this with though. Rather than a final question on the post that you're free to respond to, I'd like to end this with a dialogue that you can still comment on, but also just think about. Or ignore, to be honest, I didn't care about getting responses up until now, I'm not going to start.

Where I'm going in life from here, I want to ask myself, "If I don't wake up tomorrow, am I happy with the person I am? And if not, I better start getting it together." So from here on out, I'm doing what I haven't done ever, and I'm breaking all my promises. Every single one. Some I will remake, but some I look back on and I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I've made promises that if I don't break will never let me be a different person, and all that really matters to me right now is trying to do better. I don't think I can just cold-turkey wipe hate from my heart, but I can show it less, act it less. I can walk away from people who have walked away from me. I promised to look out for some people, but right now I watch them throw all they have away, and while I would like to help them, there's nothing I can do but hope that someday they turn around and dig themselves out of their hole. I can be there then, no promises, but I'm not going to dive into Hell with them.

So I'm trying to do better. You can take that as you like, but I believe there are right and wrong choices, and I've intentionally been making the wrong ones recently. I'd like to change that. So I've got a new look, a new goal, and new promises to make and keep.

If any of this doesn't sit well with you, if you don't like what I have to say...I'm sorry. But not as sorry as you.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Don't Wake Me Up

2010-01-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

So here's the deal (haha, one of many), after January, this blog will be phasing out. I'm not tired of blogging, I'm not out of topics, it's just time for an end. Everything reaches a point where it's had a good run, but needs to be set aside and let other things progress. However, there are always those irritable exceptions that run their full life and then drag on further and you only watch them fall into ruin. It's a new year, I'd like to put as much to rest as possible - simply because it's time. As a matter of fact, the greatest of these has long since had it's time. You don't have to agree or like the outcome, but to put it very simply and bluntly (my apologies), it doesn't matter you're perspective - some things are inevitable. Besides, you'll get over it. Although, should there be some of you who cannot, then I ask only one thing: try. Trying gets people very far in many situations, even if they don't succeed.

So what's next? That's a good question. Better start with the present and work from there. Ah, hell, why not the past? Good as any other starting place.

But then again summaries are much more entertaining. Or at least easier to read through. For example, during my psychology class, I found the greatest possible summary of life ever. It's called 'Life' by Shannon Wheeler. Here:

Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, first love, brief happiness, break up, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, work, play, work, play, work, idealism, effort, rejection, failure, compromise, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play, retire, play, die.

There. That is my past (minus most of the work) Present goes beyond that, yes beyond death. If you don't know this story, hurry up and ask.

And cheers to friends for that. Proof that people care about you. How sweet. How loving. Self-sacrificing. A chance for renewal. Rebirth. Second chances.

How about the rift with peace? Maybe someone was a little selfish? Not the most fully thought out plan. But hey, men. I can attest, I happen to be one. But true friends are the ones you keep even when they screw up, even when you can't undo what they've done. And what's more, a true friend is one who still accepts blame even when it's you're fault. They don't deserve it, they only had the best intentions, and had you been in their shoes you would have made the same decision. It's the complete and total failure that only friends could create.

And life goes on. For two years. And look where it's all gone. Look at what's been accomplished. Oh, aren't we special...

Hahaha, if only I'd known.

But like most, I didn't. I participated in making a choice and it was the wrong one. And this is where I find the silver lining.

I helped create my circumstances, and I'm going to help myself fix it. ^_^

Give me a sign. Give me a dream to hold onto.

2009-12-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

I've been away for far too long. I'm sorry. But it was necessary. End of the semester along with a break in sanity is not a great time to be spending time ranting on the internet. But the semester is finished, and finals are complete. Sanity is still...well I don't really know. I try to clear my mind, I try to clear my heart, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Over the last month I've found bits of lots of things in both. Partly because of the time of year, partly because of circumstances in life, but either way - I have more ghosts and demons than usual.

Christmas: some people love it, some people hate it. Some people celebrate family, some people try and get through with it all because spending an entire day with all your relatives and having them bring up every thing you've done wrong 'out of love' is just too much. I'm...I don't much like this holiday, not because I feel that Christmas is wrong or that I don't like celebrating it, but this is a season to remember thing's I'd rather not. Not easy when you have a physical reminder marring your flesh. We all have a time to live, and we all live for peace. Well I had it, and thanks to love and friendship I lost it. Here's to the season of bitterness, and to hopes that I don't have to wait as long as everyone says. And for those opposed who 'care', please please please, let me be next time.

But time passes. Floats around us. Does bugger all. Yay time.

Christmas is the time of Joy. Hope. Forgiveness and the new year. New life. New birth. But it's also the time we burn each other the most. We don't deserve it. We don't need to tear ourselves further to bits over petty shit. So so pointless. Everything.

I want a moment of peace. I want to have the black. Cold and numb, everything is gone. Sit in nothingness and be nothing. I want to stop wondering, about what I'm doing, where I am, who I am. I want to escape myself for an eternity and never come back to all this, never com back to watching pain and knowing nothing. To seeing people torn apart and just watching, wanting to step in, to comfort, to say something that fixes it all. But I don't. It's just too much of who I was years ago and not who I am now.

The angel who stood by your side, watched over you, protected you under my wings. Still haven't left your side, still keeping my promise, but it's been so long now, there's not much left of that. Broken wings, still protecting, but no longer any comfort. Just a shadow of something great, nothing like the great creatures I see around you.

Haha, always strange explaining that away. "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing. The wall."

....On crazy people:

Right. So news: finished the semester, had one last gathering with good people at apu, drove up with Ellen and Kathryn, did christmas shopping, saw Rosales (I'm not home until I've seen friends), and now spending time with my aunt until xmas parties. Then a few days without internet, then back home for new years and hopefully to see the other Horsemen, then god-knows-what until I have to go back to socal.

Spent about an hour tonight making some magic decks because we started playing at school. We do figure out ways to waste our time. And oh, how we waste it.

I'm truly very sorry. Don't know if it matters. Don't know what else to say. Don't know why I'm saying it. Sorry if it's seemed as though I've been lost to you I guess. But I never left. I never do. Always, always there. It's the only thing I know, the only place where I know what to do completely.

Grab onto that last ember before it goes out and just run. Burns like hell, scars badly, but somehow I feel that something's finally right. Something in the pain reminds me I'm alive to feel something. The scar goes with all the others, but this one I'll remember, because this one is me. Hahahaha, and a fire in my eyes. Good timing of musical lyrics.

Listening to Pride and Fall. Got me through last xmas break when I was working in the factory, listened to My Little on my way to work each day. Now it's Adored to try and remember all that's burned away since...i can't even remember how long it's been. too long.

*sigh*

soon to be 10 years. I think I can prove them wrong though, I think I can pull it off this year. So that's MY new years resolution - finish it by the end of 2010. Against it? Stop me. I need a challenge. Time to fly again.

Haha ^_^

To the darkened skies once more, and ever onward.

-Umbra Obscura

Can you see what I see? Can you hear what I hear?

2009-12-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

Visions of destruction, the sound of fear. The source of my evil is inside you, dear.

Sorry for being gone for so long. I'll return soon, though, because it's in my nature. Always there, invisible in the shadows. Until then,

Cheers,

Umbra Obscura

I've Been Invited by the Light of the Moon

2009-11-23T01:11:00.000-08:00

Going to keep this one short because I'd like to get some sleep tonight.

Bullets. Bullets are good. Except that I don't want to format them...so hyphens it is.

-Calvin and Hobbes is not the book you should read to lull yourself to sleep. You will laugh and wake yourself and your roommate up.

-Paranoia runs the brain, slowly drives a man insane.

-Nosebleeds are back - THANK GOD!!! (this means a break from the headache)

-Berlin gets the greatest weather EVER, and I'm very jealous.

-I forgot how cold I get after a nosebleed.

-You either don't understand, don't want to understand, or I'm putting too much (and I'm not putting in much) effort to see if you even care. I'm sorry. It's all I can say. As usual.

-Ryuk is always welcome to visit me.

-Stick with strawberry, although coconut wasn't too bad.

-The world is far too bright, and far too loud - super awesome to get away from that tonight.

-P.S. You're wrong, btw.

-Last night my shadow went to heaven, my body here, my soul in hell.

-Ryuk, I have apples.

-Self, I have 3 more tayaki! ^_^

-County of LA, State of CA - I want my money back, and I'd be glad to finish what I started.

-Today I woke to a rain of blood.

-I'm feeling pale, and I'd like to take pictures - but when both hands are covered in blood it can get on my camera.

-I'll accept your challenge, if you think you can beat me.

-L, you lose. Light wins. I'm happy.

-This is my rifle, it is my life.

-P.P.S. And why??? Seriously? You cannot possibly think this is worth it. You can't possibly be enjoying this?

-I want your blood.

-Crackers and tea improve focus by 10%

-'Til there is no enemy.

-My element is water. Fire is my opposite. I'm finding this more and more ironic and true as of late.

-There are lots of little things in this post for people who get it.

-I want you to feel my pain. I cut my name in your heart, I can't live without your love. I want to drown in your blood. I can't live with your pain, but I can't live, I can't live without your love.

-Grim Optimism

-I fell up the other day

-Getting four guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing L4D2 is awesome. We do exceptionally well.

-Getting two guys to sing along with Dr. Horrible while playing Settlers is TERRIBLE. We do exceptionally poorly.

-A nosebleed would be much better during class than during my sleep. Cleaner, and more productive.

-I have a red pillow that says I never lied about the 'pint'

-In solitary heaven the victimized are bound by love from within.

-It's already been 45 minutes, this is the longest short post ever.

FYI, if you're reading this, I've just described everything since the last post and all the things I left out of the last post. If it's directed at 'you' it's probably not directed at YOU. Unless you're actually reading this, in which case, yes, it's at you, and you should go back and check some of the other stuff. Or you can decide to keep this up, sadly I don't care, which is why I'm here - I don't know you're reasons.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Kill Me Now or Never

2009-11-16T01:34:00.000-08:00

It's late. (you're eyes cross with someone)

I'm not going to be typing lyrics to The Siren right now. Lyrics to other songs, most definitely, but not that one. Too happy. Ish. This is going to be a strange post, not writing to tell you anything interesting, or to fill you in on my week. Maybe if I were sane, but that's kind of far off right now. This is my official admittance to having a mental break. Something finally snapped a little bit ago and over the last few days it's finally settled in. Please don't ask me why, please don't think you can magically fix it. To the first I don't know, and to the second I'll handle it, and I don't need support. Honestly, that's one of the factors that pushes me to the breaking point for a lot of other things. I don't need help to fix things, I've spent years doing it on my own, adding you into the equation isn't going to create a super team. You're going to get in my way, or take up my time, and in general just not help.

That being said, we're great. We now have no issues. Or maybe we do. Idk. I do know that something's off though. I've been losing my ability to keep it together lately. Usually I can keep a thought to myself long enough to not ruin someone's day, or come up with something nice to say to make it better, etc. Not anymore. And it doesn't bother me. And that's the part that bothers me. When something is not right, you usually know and try and fix it. In this case, I know I'm capable of focusing and working it all out, but I just don't care. Tonight's an exception. Tonight I get it, and I'm curious. So this is my post - me working out my thoughts for you to read. Pretty much just a transcript of me talking to myself, so feel free to ignore this one, or to go ahead and read it, but I strongly urge you to not read too heavily into it, since I'm probably going to digress at some points and I have no idea where I'm going with this one. Like I said previously, there is no theme. Art for art's sake, if you will.

I'll never turn away

I'll make you believe

I know

It doesn't matter what you say

It shows in everything I'm not

The first question I ask myself is, how far gone am I really? Is it all in my head? I'm probably over reacting. Then I get the news that I have a new cousin, and go through the motions, follow the script. Called my uncle to congratulate him, and send out best wishes and all that, and at the end of the call I had this epiphany. The first girl cousin, the fifth and youngest in my generation (Me, Bug, Lex, Lucosite, and now her). In half a second on the phone I realized that she is going to grow up in this world, raised by our family, and the four just mentioned are going to be the greatest influence on her. She's going to grow up smart. She's going to grow up around boys so she'll be tough. She's the only girl, so she'll be spoiled. But it's the family members that got me. Something in my gut just said, 'look at what's offered'. I realized she's going to get to around this age, and she's going to be pretty much perfect. Not in the way that you the reader are thinking (if you're still reading). Among other things, she's going to be incredibly smart, have an attitude, and she's going to have a cynical streak that's going to rip people apart. She's going to be a mix of all that we are. Now, I'm the cynical one, and I see this working out perfectly. It makes sense. But it's also sad. She'll be perfect at either being an amazing person, or she'll decide to be like me, and she'll be perfect at it. Intelligence would make the cynical attitude work waaay better. Unfortunately I'm male - We're lacking. And after I realized all of this, I just paused, then started laughing my head off in the message. There's nothing amusing about it. I don't even know what I realized. But it was funny as hell. Probably a strange message to hear later though.

Did I disappoint you?

Did I let you down?

Did I stand on the shore and watch you as you drowned?

So that's one part of it. And not a big one. Yes, the cousin is a big thing, but I don't blame a newborn for me losing my mind, only for making Christmas dinner more entertaining. I'm kind of excited to be there when someone yells at her, and the apology has something to do with a sugar imbalance. Which while true, doesn't really seem to fit, diabetes is a sugar imbalance, that? that's an estrogen Molotov Cocktail.

Another part might be the disappearance of insomnia. Oh JOY!!! No. I miss it. I remember now why I hate sleeping. Sleeping means dreaming. Dreaming means I see things I'd rather not. I remember hating because of dreams. I remember wanting to beat a man near death because of something that wasn't real but kept showing up every night. I remember waking up sickened. I remember waking up terrified because losing someone you love hurts even when it's not real. I remember lying to myself. I remember the smell of dried blood, and shivering uncontrollably while you woke up with your skin burning. I remember death every night. And that's all I do now, I remember. Now the dreams only bother me because they don't bother me. I see horrible things and I don't feel anything when I wake up this time. But I remember what I was taught. It's wrong. And it is. It's awful. So why do I see it if I don't feel? Why should I see it when it doesn't matter? I fail to see the point. Anael said I was the dreamer. It's what my name means. But why dream when you don't care? Why dream when you don't see anything? Tell me now Anael, why does it matter? Why do I dream when what I dream about means nothing? Why does it start with you and then never end even when you're gone?

When you lost your mind

I lost the will

I can't change anything for anyone but me

I cut my name in your heart to ensure the memories remain. I never will release the pain. This is duplicitous - for you and Kennith. Also, get out of my head. Both of you. Kennith, you just suck in general, and even though I know you'll be in my head until I die, I'd still like you out; you make life very difficult for me. But I also know that you have as little choice as I do. So, suffer well. As for you, you need a name in all this. There are quite a few to use, but I'll stick with Mihr. It was mine once, and I deserved to lose it, now you can have it. It's ironically fitting right now as well. I don't get it. At some point you'll have to explain somethings to me, or things will just progress like they are now. Honestly, I'm not a fan, I prefer anything but this actually. You baffle me. And yes, get out of my head. Not for the same reason as Kennith, that's a matter of hate. You don't belong there. Not right now anyways. You should be somewhere better, and instead you're here. And this is where I get more confused, I feel for this. It saddens me that you're here. That you settle for this. Why? Why does it matter? Or maybe it doesn't, but then again, why? You shouldn't be like me. You should be like you. Individuality and all that aside, you need to find something better. You haven't hit bottom, and you shouldn't be trying. But you are. You're diving down almost as fast as I am, and you shouldn't be. You should be reaching new heights. Is it really that bad? Is it really so bad you can't step past it? Or maybe you don't want to. Maybe you want to feel the pain a little longer, because the pain makes you feel more alive than the joy. Maybe there isn't enough joy right now, so you'll settle for more feelings even though they're negative just so you can have something.

I'm breaking down...

I question why I made this sacrifice.

I wish you wouldn't though. I wish you'd try. Or if you're really going to go for bottom, then truly give up. If I have to see you throw it away, then at least remove hope of your salvation. You're can't get me to stop wanting to see you choose differently though. With you I feel, and that's something I don't know well enough to turn off. Not that I would, something has to matter. I really hate it right now though, there's a difference between a dive and a free-fall. I still hope for you.

I want to drown in your blood.

Bring a .45 you said.

I'll make you believe.

Do you believe in the nobility of suicide? No. But we both know you believe in the blood lush. We both know you crave that last drop of life, even as you watch it slip. Why? Because nothing matters. Something forgotten, something ignored. Something is missing, and we don't care anymore. And is the day you try? No. You're not dead yet. You're dying slowly, but you're not really gone. You're still here, and you still have time. So we sit and we wait, and when that day finally comes maybe you'll have time to fix it. All pain undone. You think you'll have the chance to do something right? You hope. But you're probably not going to get it. You're going to die with nothing because you stopped caring. You stopped trying. You lost hope and you didn't look for more. You hope for hope. It's an endless cycle. Maybe you'll get something. Maybe you'll finally give in to M. You'll find something, and you won't let go no matter what happens. You won't lose hope when you have nothing. You'll find something on the inside. You'll finish your cup of tea and go to bed instead of telling yourself you can fight sleep. Sure, you've killed three hours and you got almost everything done. But was it worth it? Did it matter? Did you really put out an effort? A for absolutely none, remember?

I tried to kill you, drugs booze and noise.

I tried to forget you but I still hear your voice.

You're not trying to forget them. You're trying to forget yourself. You're not trying to feel again, you're trying to scar yourself over enough that you don't feel at all anymore. You chose to fall but you're aiming for obstacles to break the pain of the landing. You got lost and you didn't even look for the path again, you just kept walking. But that's you isn't it? You don't want to be in the driver's seat. You don't want to try, because you're afraid you'll mess it up. And you will. But you need to do it. You need to suck it up. You need to finish your tea. You need to clean off your bed. You need to remember something good.

Get.

Out.

Of My.

Enough.

Get.

Out.

Of My.

Of My Head.

Think of something.

Update 1

2009-11-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

There dog mentioned in the last post will not be. So sorry for the inconvenience to you readers.

-Umbra Obscura

No Sense of Empathy

2009-11-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Corrupt in word and deed

I hate you for what you represent

I hate you for your greed

'Greed' by Assemblage 23 off their new album Compass. Good album. Good song.

Soooo, once again, I've forgotten what my last post was. I think it covered last weekend though. So I guess this post will cover this weekend. Even though it's only Saturday. And only 8. Feels later.

Right now I'm listening to 'Get Out of My Head' off of Today We Are All Demons. This is one of those weeks when I think I want to listen to a specific beat, but in reality I'm more interested in a specific message. This song offers both. Plus it goes about it with the dark positivity that only Combichrist can deliver. *_^

Yesterday we were going to see Christopher Titus live in Brea. It was for 21+ though, so we will now be going tomorrow night. Which means I have lots to do during the day or I don't go. Today we went to PetCo to look at the animal adoptions and get a puppy. We didn't. No, instead we went to the ASPCA and got papers to get Persephone on Tuesday. We were looking at all the puppies and Ryan and Jessica pointed her out curled up and sleeping. We whistled to get her attention and see how cute she was (we were looking for a particular kind of cute)...and we picked her. ^_^

So we will be rescuing a dog on Tuesday. I'm happy, I need something to care about - and for some reason I still feel for dogs. It's an animal thing. People...idk, I just can't do it - I don't remember how to feel anymore, so I can't act it as well anymore. I won't have to pretend with Persephone. I hope.

History of the name: in short - Greek queen of the underworld. Wife of Hades. And a story that you should read because it's really good and I don't want to explain it. I'll post pictures at some point probably.

Today I spent some time with Kari, who was visiting from NORCAL with her bf. Tons of fun, even though it was only 2 or so hours. We played pool, talked, had coffee, talked, and in general jut talked. That's how you tell the people that are worth it - you always have something to talk about OR you're completely comfortable without saying a word. Or both.

It's only Saturday and it's been a lot of fun. have lots of time to kill the rest of the evening though, so I'm probably going to start bugging Michael to go to Donut Man. I want to get a Tiger Tail. Nom nom nom.

So that is my weekend.

But that wasn't my week. The 5th of November was this week. And it was fun. I had no class, I watched V for Vendetta twice, in honour of the holiday, and got to hang out with Ellen for a bit too, which was quite fun (as it usually is). There was also an incident with some food colouring that led to some very fun comments from people. VERY amusing.

That made my week. Speaking of weeks, only a few left until thanksgiving and then the Aesthetic Perfection concert following night after *_^ (any guess as to whether I care about the concert or the holiday more? hahahaha)

And now my rants aren't even making sense to me, so I'm going to go find something to do.

I'll leave you with something though: Music. Since I don't know what I'm listening to, you can look these up and maybe offer a suggestion. Or just enjoy.

Spilling Blood - Necessary Response - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96T1ulxMT5w

Only in my Mind - Imperative Reaction - http://twiturm.com/jn7aw

Get Out of My Head - Combichrist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me1v37wflpA&feature=related

Please Enjoy Responsibly

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

P.S. I also got Aesthetic Perfection's first album in prep for the concert, and I must admit - I heart. Also, they have done a remix of I Kissed a Girl which is available for free on their website. It's epic. Double <3

Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-q-wGMuga8

The Rain Will Wash Me Away

2009-11-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

-_*

That is the closest I can get to the Combichrist symbol. Shame. That would be super awesome to post on the blog in the text. Please don't confuse this with my actual wink, that would be *_^ - right eye winking, not left. And mine is way happier. Ironic.

Anyways, thought I'd fill you in on the Combichrist/All Saints Day stuff I talked about in the last post. Thursday night I hit up the midnight showing with Ellen, Kyle and Tyler - and we are kind of disappointed. Not what we were expecting at all, and there was a lot that kind of killed the movie. But we had a fun time going together.

Now FRIDAY on the other hand... ^_^

I don't even know where to begin. I'll just skip through the day, cause that didn't really matter (most days don't anyways - and rightfully so - what is supposed to happen to make a day matter? What is supposed to happen to make a day significant?), and I'll just go straight to the fun part. We saw Combichrist live.

Here's what makes this even more fun: I went with Nate. Nate has no experience with this genre live (and all his experience with this genre in general is from listening to my songs). Nate has no real experience with Goth culture. Nate has no real experience with Industrial culture. The concert was at Das Bunker. Das Bunker is a Goth/Industrial club. I've been missing my culture. I've been missing going clubbing. We combined all these together, and you got a VERY happy Joe, a Nate who found a new joy in life, and a totally awesome night.

Das Bunker is one of my new favourite places on earth. The entire Earth. It makes SoCal kind of worth it (KIND OF!).

The concert itself was amazing. I completely understand why Ronan Harris loves Combichrist now. While we were there we also enjoyed the club's scene before and after the concert without having to be pressed up against the stage. Before the concert we bought shirts - no picture: I'm too lazy and it's not as important as the VNV Concert. After the concert we hung out for a bit and listened to music and saw more of the costumes (Scooby-Doo accompanying Snow White for the win ^_^), and then bought the vinyl for Today We Are All Demons then rushed back to the mod to listen to it (ended up waiting until the next morning because everyone was asleep). Fantastic concert, featuring almost every song I've mentioned on in these posts. At least the majority.

And then it was Halloween. Still feeling in a Combi mood from the night before Nate and I decided to go as Combichrist fans and with some persuasion by a goth Mad Hatter we decided to go more all out (something that we should have done for the concert and didn't). So after almost an hour and a half of last minute shopping for makeup we painted ourselves to fit and threw on our shirts from the concert. I went with black spiked hair with blue highlights. Got some good compliments, might make it a habit. If you're on my FB account you can see it there. If not - too bad. Then we spent the rest of the night going to Chipotle dressed in foil for free burritos and then headed to some houses with The Hatter, his Alice, Queen of Hearts, and Michael. At one point we accidentally crashed someone's halloween house party (no idea how it started but we were directed inside somehow and it ended up being a private party - nice house though). I just got the notification of being tagged in some of the other photos of the evening, from when we were at disneyland - really amusing. And that's where this goes next - Disney. Once we were there we were more than just Combichrist fans - we were walking Irony. So we played there a bit, I got stuck in the 'N' in CALIFORNIA until Nate helped me out, and then we gave parents and children some really creepy looks. Not intentionally mind you(not always at least), but any look at any person from us was generally taken as some sort of threat. It didn't get really good until two 12y/o(ish) boys stared at us as they walked out of the park (and I mean STARED!). We left soon after that and ended up walking right behind them as they were heading to the tram and over heard them talking about our costumes. I caught the phrase "the one with blood on one eye or the one with blood on both eyes?" from one of the kids just as the other one turned around to check if we were behind him. We were. Greatest double-take EVER! The fact that we had noticed them staring at us earlier and that we were walking behind them, looking DIRECTLY at them probably made the little boy's blood run cold. I had trouble not laughing. Truly amazing.

And that's it. After that we drove back here to Hell and I tried for a little bit to leave Nate and Ryan's mod to go back to mine, but it's kind of hard when you're on the floor laughing so hard you're goth face paint is streaking into your eyes while you're slowly running out of breath and only coming up with funny references and responses to each other. In the end we all managed to stand up and make it to the front door (after getting yelled at by a sleepy David) and then we collapsed in laughter again. Good 40 minutes with that. Then I went back to my mod, washed most of the paint off - crashed and woke up this morning to a 40 minute shower where i washed a good gallon of black out of my hair.

Fun Weekend.

And not the last! Next weekend I get to see a friend coming down from the bay, and I'm going out with some friends earlier to have fun. Oh, and it gets better still. Day after Thanksgiving - Aesthetic Perfection concert! ^_^ We're going. And this time we even have people going with us. Maybe. Ryan will be out of town but has decided he might fly down that day to come see it with us, and I'm going to see if there are others interested. And hey, why not you? If you've read this far, and you like Aesthetic Perfection or you like the genre, or you just want to hang out with us and be a part of something bigger than you - we'll be there! If you don't know me then get to know me on FB (facebook.com/shadowoflight) or shoot me an email (umbraobscura@gmail.com) - I'll actually get back to you, just let me know where you got the info from.

Hope to see you then, or maybe sooner. Maybe later. Just hope I like you. *_^

To wrap this up, here's a song from Today We Are All Demons, as well as the source of tonight's posts title. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6effbHn0eY - Scarred, Combichrist

The Nightfall Approaches.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Here to Kick It...

2009-10-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

...Kickstart the Fight!!!

In the words of Ronan Harris, "I love Combichrist!"

I have a quote from Ronan for everything.

Been a while. Let me fill you in.

Lots of work, not enough time. Wait, that was the same during the post. Ok, how about this? Last weekend in SF. Tons of fun, spent the weekend visiting Teenie and got to see Rosales as well. Seeing two of my best friends - win. Then back to APU. Joy. Really bummed about leaving NorCal, as per usual - it's just not as fun here. But that might change a bit, at least for this week.

After a few days of bleh and the resettling sequence (48 hours of no food, waayy too much catching up for work, and shuffling of personalities), I'm back to being a comfortable me, and I'm looking forward to an exciting end of the week. Tonight I'm going with some friends to the midnight premiere of Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day (tix already paid for ^_^), and tomorrow night I'll most likely be going to the club Das Bunker to get back in my scene for a bit and to see Combichrist live. That's right! Actually that might not mean anything to you if you don't know who Combichrist is or if you just generally don't like them. I've mentioned them before, and before I mentioned them in this blog, I really wasn't a fan, I used to find them too violent and too harsh. Used to. They've been growing on me for a few years now, and right now, they're easily in my top 10. For the record, nothing will ever pass VNV Nation. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER!

I'd like to point out the really ironic part of all of this - Combichrist's song, 'Today I Woke to the Rain of Blood' features sound clips from Boondock Saints. The song starts with the Saint's Prayer, and features Connor's line from the final courtroom speech, "Each day we will spill their blood, 'til it rains down from the sky". One of the greatest movies of all time, and kudos to Combichrist for using the clips. Full of win.

Anyways today I'm listening to songs from Combi's newest album that came out last year (I think). I should say I was listening to the album, because I've actually been listening to 'Kickstart the Fight' on repeat. It's a fun song. Also, considering how many titles I've used in this blog that spellcheck doesn't know - this post is looking FILLED with red underlines - reminds me of the song 'Red', by guess who. That last bit doesn't matter at all, but I find it pretty AWESOME!

In other news (never getting tired of using this line btw) I've decided on one of the phrases I want in relation to my tattoos (when I get around to making them *sigh*) - Confutatis maledictis, falmmis acribus addictis: voca me cum benedictis. The Latin translation of the 16th verse of the hymn, Dies Irae (Day of Wrath). It translates into, "While the wicked are confounded, doomed to flames of woe unbounded, call me with thy saints surrounded". I find it fitting. So that's one tat idea - the rest I need to work on, but I've just found out about blacklight tats (!!!!). So I want to get one of those as well. Naturally, the design will be by me. (Blacklight tat news courtesy of Kat - THANK YOU!!!!!)

So here I is! More pumped than I should be, and running close to a full week without insomnia (I have the gut feeling it's gone, but where there's a change in balance there's usually some counter for it - we'll see). For now, I'm looking forward to an awesome night tonight, and another good night tomorrow. Feel like I freaked Nate out with info for the Combichrist concert, but as long as he stays out of the pits he should be safe from dying. I'm excited ^_^

That's all I have to say for now, we'll see how things work out. In the mean time I'll continue munching on the spike I found and the penny we cut in half last night (can't find my nail 'o_O).

For you, I'd like to revisit an old theme. Assignments. I want to hear your favourite monologue/verse/phrase/line/etc. It can be from anything - movie, book, poem, song - but I'm interested. If you want to be creative or if you don't have a favourite then describe your mood with one. You work out the details on this one.

Naturally I always participate. I'm going to bend the rules though and just post something I like though (depending on how you feel about rules, this is also an option for you):

Free will obsolete, intention unknown

This is the day, the day I'll try

'Cause this is the day, the day I die

-All Pain is Gone, Combichrist

and

She said: Now listen to me f***er, I got nothing to lose

She said: Damnation's at the door and I brought the booze

-Kickstart the Fight, Combichrist

Cheers *_^

-Shadow of Light

I Guess There's Always Something Killing Me

2009-10-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

Hahaha! "I guess". That's clever. Life's killing me. "I guess" that's the intrinsic beauty of living - the longer you live, the longer you're dying. So then that makes immortality non-existence? It's really quite clever when you think about it, puts a whole new spin on morbidity - I'm officially an optimist now!

It's really been a while since the last post. I guess. Been super busy. Three 6-hour-a-week studio classes in a row is death incarnate. But fun. Naturally all the projects are due in the same three day periods so I have to end up cramming them in and pick and choose the occasional little assignments to not do. In the end, I do them, but they get pushed aside for projects worth more points. In the end it works out as it should, right now I can't kill myself more to get everything done at the same time. Time. That's the other thing - you'd think I'd have a lot even though I never sleep (ish - 10-15hrs a week doesn't really qualify), but I don't, I have some time to myself and I use that to maintain a small social life. Have to do something to keep my sanity. We all need something to live for, something to keep us grounded and here, to bring us back when we're breaking away. It could be that band you started practicing on Fridays, those friends you see after work, going home to feed your dog and watch some tv, calling that special someone when you have break to let them know they matter - whatever it may be, it's what keeps you going, it's the thing that feels like it will last, gives you something to look forward to, gives you something to work towards, something bright to hold onto.

Or maybe you're like me. Maybe you're still without. You run yourself dry without anything to give you another boost and when you get down to the dregs you lose yourself is something until you get a good shock to the heart to bring you back only to have to go through it all again. Turns out those little things can be pretty invaluable - they keep us grounded, keep us sane. They keep us tied to our environment, keep us stable when we're ready to collapse, "it surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together". I guess.

Speaking of environment, we've finally gotten some rain here in Hell. That's right, rain. In Azusa! It happens occasionally, and it makes the place so much better. Still doesn't make it good, but it makes it tolerable. Really want to be in SF right now though.

Trying to still find time to talk to people from home. Really want to skype with Rosales, but time really sucks, and I'm not using my free time too well - mostly for work and frivolous activities. Although, ripping people apart with brutal honesty when they ask for it doesn't really feel frivolous. Worst words spoken this week (and the ones that totally made my day) - "if you have something to say, just say it". Oh, ^_^ foolish man. "It's only when you've lost everything that you are free to do anything".

And while Fight Club has some really good philosophies on letting go and not being bound down, there comes a point where you need to take control and have something to lose. Only the dead have nothing to lose, and last I checked, I still had a pulse - granted that in however many years I won't have that anymore, until then I should still have something that matters.

So that's pretty much everything since the last post. Lots of work, not a lot of time, not a lot of sleep, and some time spent with friends but more time missing other friends.

Current Events: Spent a few days with Teenie and John and had fun. Accidentally forgot to give John his belt back, so I guess I'm holding onto that for a while. Great to see Teenie, can't wait until next time.

Bought a black light - working on setting up a black light cave in my bed should be really cool when it's done.

Clavicle is still jacked, haven't been wearing the sling for the last few days and got scolded by the dr. for that. It's uncomfortable and it inhibits my art projects. Many an hour snarling at it. That goes really well, slings really react when you snarl at them. right.

And that is all. Really. Or at least all I can remember. Tonight's title is from the song "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection. I'm really enjoying them, started with one song and now they're one of my favourites (will never top VNV of course, just so you know). The songs are typical aggrotech in terms of lyrics, and very close on the beats, but there's a certain 'happy' beat to them, the type of thing you might hear in a Darude song. Actually it's a bit closer to She Wants Revenge - but more electronic. Ish.

Here's a link to The Siren - http://twiturm.com/ahy69

And if you like that, then maybe check out Unterart's "Now or Never" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJXP4fX3jws

THAT...is all. Until the next time you can look forward to whatever you need to do, and I can look forward to lots of work and not as much time, and for something to keep me grounded. I'm getting to the point where I really need something to live for again. Music is great for resuscitation, but it's life support - I need a cure. Maybe I should give in to M's opinion and give love a chance again. We'll see. Until then...

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

"Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction..."

The light is here to blind your way

2009-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Something to help you explain it away,

Words to support whatever you say,

Words that mask your human ways.

Let's see, it's been quite a while. Since my last post a great has happened. Short version: I've done a bunch of art homework, been super stressed with a ridiculous schedule, dropped a class because I didn't have time for it, dislocated my shoulder, relocated my shoulder, fractured my clavicle (I've been saying 'broke' but only because it's a less harsh word and a syllable shorter), got a sling for my arm, added 'flair' to my sling, talked to people back home - but not long enough and not all of them, and I've spent more time than I like with people who haven't gotten past their egos from high school.

All in good time. First, just to get it out there - the clavicle. I was sprinkler diving (it's not on Youtube yet, but apparently it's something going around through colleges and people are getting hurt ^_^). Simple rules, dive at the sprinkler, touch the stream, roll, recover, repeat. I had a beautiful first dive and then screwed the second one up when I slipped in my jump. In the process I dislocated my shoulder, pushing it out of it's socket and up slightly. When I got back to my room, I copied the scene from Lethal Weapon 2 and slammed my shoulder into place. You don't know pain until you relocate a bone on your own without any painkillers. I passed out. It was either in the process of dislocating it or relocating it that I fractured my clavicle. It's annoying as Hell to not be able to move my arm more than a few inches, and the pain is bothersome when I do move it too far or if it gets messed up when I sleep - it puts me in a lovely mood. In the end though, it was totally worth it, I had fun. As for the pain, I took vicodin twice when it was really bad and I wanted to sleep, but it's useless so now I stick with Tylenol or ibuprofen when I remember them. I tend to forget, but I'm used to pain now. As a matter of fact I walked by a fence tonight and felt one of the barbs sticking out rip through my arm and just kept walking. Honestly, I don't have time for pain on Mondays and Wednesdays.

And now for my favourite part: the people paragraph. Skip this if you think people are wonderful, you're better off in ignorance, it really is bliss.

Remember all those times you thought being with older people would be better because you wouldn't have to put up with all the same things you were already putting up with? In junior high you thought high school was going to be different, then you hoped that college would be the answer to those problems. Oh how you were let down. If you honestly found it to be exactly as you planned (and if you thought it would be wonderful) then you live in a very special part of reality. I don't mean to say that one of them turned out to be alright, but I definitely mean to say that life is never what you expect and you will always be disappointed. Currently, I'm not talking about me - I feel I'm very in tune with the world right now, although we're not on the best of terms. I will admit that I naively thought college would be something spectacular though, where all I hoped for worked itself out. In high school I knew that once I was in college with Nano we'd find some happy medium and things would work out. Awww, wasn't I cute? ^_^ In the month before I got to this, erm...delightful school, I watched my dog suffer from a tumor, I put him down, I got a very well timed phone call from Nano letting me know it wasn't going to work out - ever, and I also arrived in what I now refer to as Hell (literally, I call it Hell all the time). In short - I grew up. I finished a year, I went back home, and as I've stated in the last few posts, I really lost faith in people. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about your 'good deeds'. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about the 'change' you want to see in the world. My opinion? I can respect you if you are sincere in your beliefs and honest about your actions, but either way nothing you do is going to really affect people unless there's more than one you. Humanity is bringing itself down in numbers, you can't build it up on your own. Not to say that you shouldn't try, but I won't be next to you until I see that other people are getting their asses in gear. There's way too much wrong with the world to fix it. You can solve all of the issues with people and the world, hunger, prostitution, etc. it will take a while, but it can be done. You can't fix the loss of honour, respect, the actual value of people. People want to fix the world and not themselves, but they don't like being broken. Something forgotten. Something ignored. Something is missing. Something we don't have anymore.

I digress. What I really want to rant about is the people at college. Sorry, the people at APU - clarification. (These are generalizations, but for the most part you'll find I'm pretty much dead on)

Freshman - mostly naive, not to bright. Mostly naive. Plus they don't know the school. I was one once. Although not as naive. I think *_^

APU Girls - most hoping to find the 'one'. The end of the first semester is fantastic! The jerk-off guys that they meet and date/'love' end up dumping them because they're jerks, or because the girls are psycho (or both!) and then you get some really great drama. Watching this drama (at a distance) is one of my favourite activities. Then there's the 'special features' where you talk to the girl about it after the fight and throw in comments about how much of a jerk the guy was (even if he wasn't (rarely)) and you get all the mean comments she couldn't think of when she was yelling at him. It's not because I enjoy their pain, it's because when you find out the reasons - they're REALLY stupid. "He didn't call me last night!" "She asked her brother for homework help!" No joke, these are some of the reasons. This is what this all about, the stupid, stupid reasons people fight. Super awesome. Still doesn't make APU any fun.

APU guys - generally average men. aka - not too bright, don't really understand women (but APU women are also pretty unique, so guys get a little slack), and generally jerks in friendships and relationships. Not a whole lot else.

And now the important group - the people that you end up being friends with. There's always the good people, the solid friends who know what honour and respect are. But then there's always those people that you're sort of stuck with - they think they're hot stuff, really bad ass, and totally a match for you. Wrong. With my good friends, we give each other crap all the time, if it's really bad we usually give each other the finger or say "you suck". We laugh it off. If we have a bad day, we deal with it, if we can't deal with it, we don't make it someone else's problem. And if there's an issue, it ends after a day, two max. If it lasts longer than that, then it's a real issue and it needs to be taken care of. Over the last few weeks we've been giving flak to a friend of ours. His response at first was meaningless threats, the type I used in high school, and the kind that screwed my life first semester. Even if the threats were real, you have to look at the people you're threatening: two guys who could easily throw you across the room, and a guy who relocates his shoulder on his own. In general, myself included, these are not the people you screw with. You do not go up to a pro fighter and spit in his face - he will beat you to death. I have always, always stated that if you have an issue with me, you tell me - respectfully - and I will be more than happy to work it out with you. This guy blatantly states that he has issues with his emotions and whines that we're being to rough on him during his "bad days" which turn out to be every day. So we have a group talk and decide that we're not going to bother him, because we're tired of him being pissy and emo. We turn our focus to other people, and then he gets pissy because we're ignoring him. I'm venting online because I'm getting really irritated with it. I drop things after a day or so, but having it repeated every day doesn't really give me a chance to drop it now, does it? Also, when it comes to repeated threats - don't threaten someone when they aren't harassing you, it's in bad taste. Besides, the more you threaten a person with comments like, "just because I'm scrawny, don't think I won't put up a fight" you honestly be able to hold up to your comment. Empty words go nowhere with me. I will not start a fight, I don't believe in fighting over things, but I will finish a fight, and I could really care less about how it ends. Never fight someone you can't beat, and never fight someone with nothing to lose - I'm the latter./rant

Today I saw my favourite teacher here at APU, Arciniega, while I was having dinner with one of the Abellas. We both took his class, and we both love that man incredibly. As much as I like talking to Woody Morwood here (which I'm doing on Friday), Arciniega is way more fun to hang out with. Talking to him for five minutes brightened my entire day. Thinking about it makes me happy. There are several reason I love this man: he doesn't shove religion in your face, he's super smart, he's got an AMAZING sense of humour (i.e. we told him he hadn't had a teacher like him and he said, jokingly, "well, it's cause I'm the best" - He truly is though), and he looks very similar to Ronan Harris. He makes 15 page papers fun. He makes theology fun. He makes life fun. We're definitely going to try and have lunch or coffee with him at some point. And I'm seriously considering sitting in his class again so that I can take more notes and eventually take his style back to my high school. I'd like to use his methods to teach a bible class for a semester, and see what happens (I'd probably get kicked out *_^ I don't think it would sit well if I made students make their own opinions about the Bible). At the very least I want to get more notes from him and relearn what he taught me, it just isn't as much fun without him teaching the class. He made my first semester worthwhile.

I also got my microwave this week (WE CAN COOK FOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!! ^_^). I'm going to call my aunt tomorrow and thank her, I haven't had time so far this week, I have a very very busy life now. Wednesday nights are going to be free though, because I have no class on Thursday! ^_^ We named the microwave Sylar. After the scene in Heroes season one where he gets the nuclear power and is standing on a building rooftop playing with small nuclear reactions and calmly says, "boom". That's the scene the microwave is named after. Although now that I think about it, I might name it after a Psych reference. We'll see.

Alright, well that's it tonight. The title tonight and the lyrics are from the song 'Salvation' by Imperative Reaction. Another band with meaningful lyrics, but in a very specific style. You can listen to it here: http://twiturm.com/ydyxq

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

The Conflict that is Seized and Disguised as Revolution

2009-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Long week.

That's it, that's my post. It was a very, very long week.

...

Alright, it was only two days. But it's been about a week since my last post. And that was a very long week. Eh, it was about average actually. 7 or so days. So average and not exciting.

I didn't exactly do a whole lot. I mean, yes, I spent some time with people on campus, I met all my roommates (not pissed off any more, haven't been for a while - but there hasn't been a post to let you know that so...), I bought my books and supplies, and I started classes. Not exciting at all.

Hahahaha, LIES! It's been very exciting. First a couple of comments though. One, I HATE the weather. And I'm still not loving this school. Two, the awesome-to-lame teacher ration is really lacking in the awesome dept.

Ok, so first week was cool. My Bible class sucks, our teacher makes us sings hymns at the end of class (MAKES us), and he thinks he's really cool (he's not). Art classes are super awesome, except they're all in a row and make up two 8 hour days without breaks. Not so cool, but that was kind of my fault last year in arranging them. First screenwriting class tomorrow, and that should be fun. Other than that, just trying to get some sleep and some free time before it vanishes forever.

Got most of the rest of my art supplies, still need a few more but I'm going to wait until I get some more money from the school. In the mean time I have what I need to keep myself busy. I haven't spent nearly enough time playing with art yet, at least not my projects. Maybe in a weekend or two.

Speaking of art supplies, my art portfolio is HUGE! I use it as a tent in my room. I'm actually in it right now. I'm waiting to post videos to people on Facebook. Facebook is being stupid however.

A couple other things - drawing is bugging me. Decided I like 'She Wants Revenge' very much, and also decided it might be time to go through my FB info and update some things.

And that is it. That's everything. Ish.

Tonight's title is from VNV's 'Sentinel' on Of Faith, Power, and Glory.

Mayhaps I'll write another post soon.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Back to the Crypt

2009-09-05T00:58:00.001-07:00

...Nothing will last, we'll all fade away in one single blast.

Clearly I've returned to school. I'm such a fan.

Last year people would have called me a pessimist and I would have argued that I'm a realist. This year, people still call me a pessimist and I can't help but agree with them. At least I'm rational. Kind of. At least I hope so. I act rationally, but I do vent something fierce. Example: I had my own room. After five straight hours of unpacking one of my roommates showed up and informed me that 'they' (don't know if that means all of them, or a small majority) had group decided that the room I was in should be used to extend the living room. Oh, and that "I probably should have told you sooner".

Really? You think so? I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting someone spend five hours unpacking and then telling them "we" decided. For the sake of argument and the fact that I have to live with these people for a year, I just did it. But you'd think people would have a little respect. Honestly, it pisses me off incredibly, but it also proves a great deal of what I've said and felt over this summer. Honour is dying. People don't care anymore, they don't even try. At APU in particular, most people don't even know what it is to think of someone else before yourself. And it makes all the more aggravating to me that this is supposed to be a Christian college. I don't care what your religious views are, but if you're going to stand behind it, you best do it if you want my respect. The hypocrisy b.s. is what drives me insane. Everyone just stands by, and says, 'oh, it's the world we live in'. We do live in a world that's completely screwed, but it's made that way by the people in it.

In the end I'm in room, no longer to myself (which would have made me very happy), and I will eventually be getting a roommate. I don't mind having a roommate. I don't mind sharing a room. I'd prefer neither, not because of the person, but because I'm antisocial and I'm going to be doing a lot of projects that might bother other people. I think of these things, because as much as I think most of the people I encounter are an edification of everything I hate, I still take time to think about them. Clearly there was a evolutionary gap when it came to some of my roommates.

And by the way, I'm also not speaking behind their backs. This blog is open to the public, including them, and I post direct links to it that they have access to. If they read this, they'll know my thoughts. If they ask me about it, I will repeat everything I've said. If they ask me how I feel whether they've read this or not, I will gladly share my opinion. That is far as the extent of my goodwill goes. I care how people feel, until they want answers, then they better want the truth, I have no time for word games and trying to play peace-maker and the compromiser. I pick my battles, and I never lose the ones I choose to fight. It's a shame I had the summer I did, otherwise I might be a little more forgiving, as it is, I've shown goodwill and compromise. Once. I like being in my room. But I know it's not really, 'mine', and that makes me glad to be elsewhere.

In other news I was talking with friends tonight about people we know and how damage is done to some of the living spaces, and it really made me wonder whether or not the school has insurance on them. I know the school takes care of a great deal of the repairs for windows and fixing walls and stuff, but at some point isn't someone going to do damage that isn't fixed with some supplies from ACE. My mom once set one of the places she lived on fire just because she forgot to blow out all the candles she had lit. We have protection against that (school's philosophy - protect by forbidding), but someone is going to want to break the rules one day and but paper on a hot plate, or light a candle, or drive a car into a building (slightly impressive in it's own right - internet worthy). These are things that happen on those rare occasions and it's not like you can call maintenance to come patch them up. It was an interesting segway.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Shelter' by Icon of Coil. I like the lyrics, I like the beat. It is not, however, the music I'm listening to currently. Right now I'm enjoying the band, She Wants Revenge. They're played at Death Guild at the DNA Lounge sometimes, and the singer has an interesting voice with interesting lyrics. I would recommend 'Out of Control' or 'I Don't Want to Fall in Love'.

And I also spoke to my friends about a couple of ideas I had. One in particular that I like because it seems funny to me, is to lay make a video of a black cloth, with black-gloved hands laying out dangerous looking tools out on it to the sound of one of the songs from Hitman: Blood Money. Then after all the really odd, creepy tools are laid out lovingly, the video would go on to say something about art being dangerous. I have some very creepy art supplies - when set out appropriately. An X-Acto knife laid out next to a hand saw, some wire cutters, and a metal file and some other dark-looking tools - might be a great ad ^_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

I, DREAD LORD OF SHADOWS

2009-09-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

What a week. Three days actually. Sunday I stayed home while my mom went out to go shopping and while Rick was at work. They came home, we went to the park, they walked, I biked, we went back to the house, we ate, we watched a movie, we went to bed. My day. I ended up staying awake (intentionally for a change) to start a new story. I wrote three pages in about two hours – a very good start based on my other stuff. The story I have fifteen pages of I've worked on for about 20 ish hours, and it took three hours to get the first page done, so I'm looking forward to this one. I hit a slight roadblock when I got to a point I was going to introduce a new character in, and I realized that I packed the book I needed. Irritating.

Speaking of irritating, my mother. I love my mom, I really do, but we're only good to spend a few hours together before we aggravate each other and max a few days. Depending on her mood, we get along for greater lengths of time or significantly shorter amounts of time. Currently – less. It's a boring house – Rick's fun but works all day, there's no internet, all my stuff is packed, so no books, no ANYTHING! Occasionally I'll play with some of my swords which are at the house, but there's only so many things you can slice with a sword before you move from playing into vandalism. So I spend all day doing nothing and all night writing or listening to music. I have been playing with some new gel pens I got from Costco – they make me happy. I have an entire page of neon and metallic doodles from a few hours I killed with those.

Here's something that I take issue with: I get a new laptop. I don't really need my old one, even though I'd kind of like to keep it around for one semester just in case I need a file or Windows. My mom calls me before I pack and says, “can I have it?”. Against my better judgement and my gut feeling, I say 'yes'. Since I've been here, I've tried to show her what I've set up on it for her (she wants to use it for writing a book on her life, so I installed a bunch of word processing programs for her to choose from), and she says, 'ok!'. It's been two days, she's had HOURS of free time, and she's putting photo albums together. I didn't say anything for the sake of argument, but I'm giving her my computer that I still kind of need and she can't be bothered to at least look at the stuff I set up for her!? It's this selfishness of hers that really pisses me off. That and hearing all her thoughts on her boyfriend. Even he gets sick of it, but he doesn't say anything because then she'll apologize in the same manner for hours on end.

And this is the part of my life where I realize that my cynicism and apathy come from the people in my life. I stopped caring about people and myself when I got guilt trips from people growing up. I grew to hate being complemented (not always, there are certain people who compliment me and it doesn't bother me – kind of like being called 'Joey', it varies from person to person) because compliments were always desperately needed and not given, or because my mom would go on forever to people about me as “her amazing son”. I hate being made to look like I belong to people, I'm not a prize. I learned to hate ignorance. Not bad in a small dosage, but to hate all ignorance indiscriminately? I hate in other and I hate in myself, I've found it to be a poor quality that makes you look more foolish than hypocrisy (don't even get me started). I hate cheesy relationships, the facade that people create, pretending to be happy while being eaten away by their issues. Whether they hide their issues from others or pretend they don't exist at all, it pisses me off – no one is perfect, and there's always people who see what's going on anyways. Ahhh, the joys of growing up as me. The nice thing is, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I like who I am. The downside, I turned out to be exactly who I am, and I'm built on things I hate.

“I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted by the conventional method of the approach to this situation. I've come up with nothing.”

But that's why I have my aunts. I love them all dearly and I can get along with them without issue indefinitely. And I also have some wonderful friends, who all have some pretty wonderful advice. Hahaha, everything from the “blow it up” options to the “ you always have a right to change direction if pressure becomes too great” options. I usually go with the latter and the ones that fall in the middle, but the former are fun and relaxing.

So today (Tuesday) my mom walks into my room and tells me we're packing all the stuff up and leaving in like an hour. Kind of cool, but one hour notice to move a truck-full of stuff to another truck and leave? Kind of ridiculous. But it's better than leaving in the middle of the night on Thursday.

Had a pretty good drive down to SOCAL. Just my mom and I because we didn't have room for Rick. We listened to music, which wasn't great, but it also wasn't terrible (my mother hates 80's music, I live off of music created and based off of the 80's – we have music issues). Mostly we played music or she cursed at drivers. We finally made it down though, got checked into a hotel because we missed the housing checkin for school (-_-) and then had dinner at Applebee's. Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. Went to Trader Joe's, FYE (my mom got Go – The Best of Moby (Moby we agree on)), Marshall's (waste of time), and Bed Bath and Beyond.

Then back to the hotel, watch the night fade when she calls Rick (I really feel for him, when I'm not trying not to vomit), and then blog without internet while I try to sleep in an arm chair. That's right, I'm writing this WAYY before you'll read it. I'll post it when I'm online at APU. Until then, enjoy the commentary from the crap armchair. Honestly though, it's not bad, I chose to sleep in the chair, it's a thousand times more comfortable than the hotel bed – but I had to put up with a good thirty minutes of my mom asking the same questions over and over. My final answer? I DON'T want a pillow. I think she drank too much, but NO she'd NEVER do that!

Hate hypocrisy.

I also seriously hate my dreams as of late. I've had some pretty awesome dreams, but some just SUCK! Last night I had a dream I woke up thirsty, went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Woke up parched. Went to the kitchen and got water, silently cursing the fact that I have to actually LIVE my dream. I mean, living a dream is great! But not if your dream is reality! That's the entire point!!!

Still rather dream about needing water than some of the other ones. Four nights in a row I dreamt of encounters with different people, and each time I'd help them in some way, then wake up and ask myself, “WHY would I do that?!”. Simple answer is because I keep my promises. Sigh.

Tonight's title is from the song, 'Cernunnos' by Faith and the Muse. I could explain why I like this song, but I think I've used enough space on the blog already, so I'll let it explain itself.

Of your anger

Your ignorance

Your blindness

Your greed

Your progress

Your conquest

Your mania

Your need

Your sorrow

Your sickness

Your final, parting breath

Your hatred

Your bloodshed

Your future

Your death

I will have none

I, dread lord of shadows

With broken spell

Unto this rotting age

I bid farewell

Blessed be

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

We Are Functional...

2009-09-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

...we are efficient.

We are prepared and self sufficient.

And we only destroy for the greater good

so you can be free to consume more as you should,

and lead a better life.

Last week in the Bay before heading up North for a few days and then heading to APU. I forgot what I did on Monday, but Tuesday I spent the day in the SF with Teenie and Rosales. Fun day – we went to Pier 39, bought cupcakes at Ghiradelli Square (expensive but delicious). On our way back we passed some really awesome artwork and ended up talking to the artist, who was a super awesome British guy with an awesome sense of humour. He had some crazy awesome airbrush pieces, one in particular that totally blew my mind was a set of three that were all completely interchangeable. So after a long talk with him about art, which was enlightening and fun, we headed to lunch. After a thirty minute walk and four or so restaurant choices we ended up at Pizza Orgasmica (good choice). Then we walked to the Apple Store and spent an hour there checking out the headphones on Rosales' iPod. A $300 pair of Bose were incredibly kick-ass, and made every song sound...perfect? Then we left Teenie at the bus and headed back to Rosales' to watch tv and play video games. The usual.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability?

Why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Wednesday - I played music and goofed around on Facebook.

We are dysfunctional, and inefficient.

We're unprepared, we are deficient.

And we only kill for the bottom line

so you can be free to consume more as you should,

and lead a better life.

Thursday I got to hang out with Rosales one last time, and we watched Boondock Saints. It's always a good day when someone who hasn't seen it watches it for the first time. We also spent a few hours with Spencer, playing games (etc.), and dinner at a cheesesteak place in the City. It was super good. Went well after Chinese food for lunch. Good day seeing them both, and a fun day on it's own.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability?

Why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Friday I had sushi with a friend, then went to Pacifica and spent a few hours with the art teacher from my high school and spent a few hours on hold with Adobe trying to get some licensing figured out. In the end I ended up with CS3 again, this time activated, and still legal. It was also fun to hang out with my teacher one last time, since I wouldn't have had time to visit her before I left.

What happened to make us want to be blind?

What is it in us that made us believe in all of the lies

spoon-fed to us by the ones who only stand to profit from our loss,

exploiting our misery and selling it back to us for a cost?

Saturday I found out that I was heading up to my mom's in the afternoon rather than three days later, which means more time away from the Bay and that I can't hang out with Teenie again before I go back to school. Pissed me off. Good news was I got to see my family for the September birthday parties. I spent the entire morning packing – I have WAYYY too much crap. My mom and her BF came early so we could load up the car and not have transfer junk later. My mom decided she'd go say hello to some neighbors while we loaded everything up. I'm all for being friendly, but I'm also totally into pulling my own weight when it's needed. Birthday parties were fun. I got to see all the family members I wouldn't have seen until Christmas, and I got to say another goodbye to my aunt and talk to my other aunt on the phone (FINALLY!! Texting is fine to k.i.t. but I like to speak with loved ones too on occasion!). Left from there with my mom and her Rick up to her place to spend five days there until we drive down to APU.

Where is the line between progress and decline?

What is the price to stop ruining life?

Why is functional worth more than sustainability,

why are we so comfortable in our gullibility?

Tonight's title and lyrics are from the song 'Functional', by Imperative Reaction. I'm a fan of all the IR songs I have (all of them) – they call out hypocrisy, lies, irony...basically the songs are about the world as it is. This song in particular is a personal favourite, even more so recently. I'm getting really sick of hypocrisy and BS, in everything from politics to conversations with people. It'd be nice if it ended soon.

Anyways, I'm off for a week with my mom and no internet. Joy.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

You Know I'm Not a Saint...

2009-08-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight's title from the lyrics of the Apoptygma Berzerk song 'Kathy's Song'.

I chose it for a couple reasons, mostly because I'm listening to the EP that I just got right now. It's a nice, mellow, meaningful song. I'm listening to the album because It's also one of those songs that affects my mood, and right now I need it. Today has been kind of...unsatisfactory? Its really a shame too, because last night was pretty awesome - went out with Rosales, Teenie, and her friend Lauren. After that Rosales and I went back to his place, got some In n' Out, watched the final part of R.O.D. (Read Or Die - an anime show and 3-part movie (we watched the movie)), an episode of Little Britain, and generally chilled out.

Then today happened. God, what a day. I got about 6 hours of sleep, but I also woke up really late (noon). Made another mask on my own and it turned out - less than desirable, due to poor planning on my part. Struggled with trying to get my nose to stop hurting, because the pain is really starting to piss me off, it's this sharp, stabbing pain just under my left eye on the side that doesn't work, and while it's bad enough I haven't noticed my headache like I usually do, it's also pretty effing bad, so I don't know which one I prefer. At least the headache usually lessens with aspirin. This lessens a bit if I bite into my arm, but considering it's only temporary relief it's not worth it to me to give myself two puncture wounds on my wrist.

As usual, everything took on a really wonderful aura for the rest of the day (/sarcasm). I decided to try and get some files off of an old computer but I can't seem to find a keyboard that works, so I got the giant thing out for nothing and had to shove it and all it's crap back into it's hole.

Then I decided to get back onto my old Facebook account so I could pull off all my old messages and important wall posts and put them in documents so that I could have them on record without having to go back into it all the time. That was actually not too bad - I put a couple of messages into their own document because I'll probably access them more, and one document in particular is 38 pages, while the document of all the other messages compiled together is 13. And that's the OLD account alone - I'm actually kind of curious as to how much longer it would be with the messages from my new account. But of course going through old accounts also means seeing old messages and people you no longer see - and that's always just so much fun! Didn't make my mood any worse, but it didn't make it any better either.

And this was one of those days (I've had a few) where someone asked me, "why are you so angry?" -_- Here's the thing: I wasn't in a good mood - but I wasn't angry either...until then. It's like being poked when you're in a bad mood - everything just jumps to the polar extreme and then the poker gets all offended because you're angry, and you're there with the, "what the hell?" look, because it's pretty freaking obvious why you're suddenly so pissed off. And then there's the conversation that goes on after that with the usual defense of, "I was just playing, you don't need to be so pissy about it". In all earnest, there's a really simple solution to this: DON'T POKE!!!!!!!!!! Tickling falls into the same category sometimes too. When people are unhappy and you are a part of their irritation, don't touch them!

That might just be me though.

Anyways, today I was asked why I was so angry, and I've been kind of...angry...ever since. Originally I was just in pain and over contemplating life. For example (and feel free to post answers), if you're a cynic about things (like I am), but you find exceptions for those things, are you really a cynic? For example, I don't believe in love. I believe in the familial love, the love that's inherent, but not the love as in "I'm in love", "I fell in love", etc. However, I have three pairs of friends who are all, "in love" and engaged, and I'm totally happy for them. I do not think that their relationships are fake, but I still don't believe in love. That is what I contemplated most of the day. Still have no answer for myself, and it's kind of bugging me. Maybe because I'd like to believe in love, but just don't get it?? IDK. It can be tomorrow's problem.

And so tonight I will leave you with something: Kathy's Song (again, I find love in music, but not in life. what the heck?)

Oh my love, it's time

You know how it feels

You read between the lines

And know me better than I do

I'm lost again my friend

You know I'm not a saint

You've known it all this time

Still you've been waiting for me here...

Come lie next to me

Know why, you and me are one

Come lie next to me

No lies, you and me are one

Here is a link to the song on Youtube, one of my favourite remixes for the song (much steadier than the others, good choice of vocals, etc.): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW5WHdhMWdI&feature=related

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Give Me Velocity and Gasoline...

2009-08-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

...Electricity and Adrenaline. I want to be super luminal.

And marks my return to my domain, here among you - my brothers and sisters. I feel that I have been absent too long, and it is my fault for not using my time correctly. But that is in the past, and I am here now to set things right.

As I believe I noted in my previous post, I spent the last week and half with my aunt. It was really, really wonderful - we did some really fun things, I spent time with my cousin, and I got a chance to relax in the most relaxing way (i.e. I wasn't stressing out, and I was doing fun things). We went to the Academy of Sciences, my first time since it's remodel, and that was fun. The new aquarium has lots of fish, and it's easier to take pictures of some of the fish, but I still kind of miss the original walkthrough linear aquarium. They still have the albino (white chocolate) alligator, which was nice, a new giant terrarium bubble and they also re-designed the planetarium area. The old planetarium was part of a giant space section and you could walk through and see a bunch of different space things and the planetarium show was the giant projector that showed all the stars above you. The new planetarium is just like the terrarium, a giant bubble, and the projector was replaced with a dome theatre. Not as fun. I did get a bunch of pictures of fish though and we went there for the aquarium, so it's all good. After that we went to the Japanese Tea Gardens. There I took some more pictures, we walked through the garden, and then we had tea(!!). After that we had dinner with my other aunt and uncle and then went to a retro/eighties ice cream place. Fun, full day.

Over the rest of the mini vacation, I watched Psych with my aunt, went bowling, saw the movies UP and Ponyo (Ponyo is super cute, even though it's not my favourite Miyazaki film - I'm still thinking about the super awesome "see the forest come back to life" feeling that Princess Mononoke had, but it's still a great movie), went shopping (food for when I return to school and some art supplies - plaster, gauze, a soldering gun), I got a manicure, my cousin and I got haircuts, and we ate at some really fantastic restaurants (seriously, amazing. One restaurant made their crème brûlée with Malibu rum instead of vanilla - it's amazing!!!!!!). And when we were at home I played with my cousin, watched tv and movies with my aunt and generally had a good time. I also made a plaster mask with my cousin (we didn't use plaster on his face because it warns against burning your skin, so we used flower and water instead), mine came out well but cracked on the way home, so I need to fix it. My cousin's mask didn't dry well because of the material we used, and I felt bad for that, but we still had fun. All-in-all it was a great time, and a nice break to mark the ending of my summer break.

And now I am home, and planning out this last week with things to do before I go back to school. I got back yesterday and had a sushi dinner with John, Bunny, Teenie, John and Teenie's parents, and Teenie's best friend. Tons of fun! But I ate wayyyy to much sushi...(worth it). Then this morning I spent a few hours with my friends Amy and Evan from high school. That was also fun, and we watched about four hours of Will and Grace.

I got home, I ran my old ASL books to a friend who's going to be taking the class this semester, I did a little work on my aunt's tattoo design, I played some Rock Band 2, and I talked with my friend Wrath. Currently working on plans tomorrow to hang out with Teenie and Rosales - still working on it.

And now the music portion of this post ^_^

Tonight's title is from the song Luminal by Covenant. I was torn between that and a Neuroticfish song, but I couldn't pick a single song so I chose this one instead. Although, I've been listening to Neuroticfish and Pride and Fall for most of today and most of the past week. Going through Neuroticfish's album, A Greater Good, has proved really nice - I like many of the songs. Pride and Fall is of course a favourite already and I've just been listening to a few different songs than usual. Using Neuroticfish would have been kind of cool considering Marius' birthday is coming up and we have a notorious signature of communication on Facebook - throwing lines from the chorus of The Bomb back and forth. It's actually pretty fun. The band hold s a lot for me - the connection with M, the cover of 'They're Coming to Take me Away', the song 'Close' which I listened to pretty often first semester of my senior year of high school. There's a lot of memories that go with it.

Speaking of memories, over the last week I remembered that I need to add Bach's 'Tocata and Fugue' to my playlist on my computer. It's a must have for my personality as well as my opera and classical playlist. I've also been listening to the VNV Nation remix of 'Paint it Black' over the last week which brings back very fond fuzzy memories of humming the song in high school where no one knew it, and because it's the end credit song to the movie 'Devil's Advocate'.

And that is about it. I've have tried to keep it down to less that three pages, and I think I did, but I never know. I shall try to stay a little more up to date with things on the blog, a week was an awfully long time. Well...ya, it was.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

A Million Points of Light

2009-08-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

What a week. I've tried blogging several times in the last few days but I keep getting pulled into a bunch of other things that I don't really want to do, but I also don't feel like putting up with the pain of not doing them. Ever have those moments? You want to watch a movie (in my case, blog) and someone calls you to do something else, whether it's go out or do a chore, and you don't want to, but if you decline then you have to put up with guilt trips, arguing, over explaining things that fall under the "my business" category, etc. so instead you just say, what the hell, and give in. That's what I've been putting up with for the last three days, and today it's really starting to piss me off - it just doesn't bloody end!

Anyways, that's why this is delayed so far past when I intended to write it, which I don't need to explain, but since the reason is actually something that has been bothering me - I am. I kind of can't wait to get back to school, there hasn't been a whole lot to do and it's bothersome. I highly enjoy the days that I blog about on here, because those are the days I spend with friends or do fun things or things that will matter later, but considering how many days I've had over the break and how many posts there have been - I'm coming out short on the enjoyable things. School probably won't be any better, but at least I have that whole "I learned something new and interesting!" option to add to the fun and friends options. Plus I'll get to complain about the awful weather and people (complain about people, not about awful people), while simultaneously raving about the projects I'll have time and space to work on. But I'll also be away from people I care about too, which will be sad. But I'll be around other people I care about so it'll be fun. It's a very bipolar experience.

And to go along with increasingly worsening headache (it wouldn't be so bad if it ever went away, but it's always there ignorable until it spikes up like tonight), and a not-so-great night: tonight is a (what I call) blood moon. It's when something in the atmosphere makes the moon look orangish-red, I'm sure you've seen similar stuff at some point - like a harvest moon. The only thing is: red moon (and sun) are usually something you see when it's low in the atmosphere, but that's not the case tonight - it's almost directly above my house and it's very nearly blood-red, which is another thing that isn't too common. There are also no stars from my angle - absolutely zero. There are stars far away opposite the moon, but absolutely zero around the moon itself. It really bothers me - the moon has always been my element and right now it just doesn't feel right and I don't know why. Seeing it hasn't helped my mood any though.

Anyways, I did a lot over the weekend (except Sunday), so here's that:

Friday - spent the day with my Friend Käri hanging out in SF. We went down to Pier 39, had lunch at Bubba Gump's, went to Ghiradelli Square, sat in a park, etc. After we finished all that we went to a hookah bar on 16th St. - the same one Rosales and friends had tried to go to with directions that went nowhere and which I thought to be my fault at the time (I was very mad at Yelp). Well this time, after getting lost and calling John again (for the exact same reason as the time before - I found it less amusing than he did) we ended up at the same place as when I was with Rosales, except that the place now existed. Turns out the time before they just hadn't had their door open, and I had gotten blamed for having bad directions while I leaned up against against the (closed and unmarked) door of the hookah bar while I called John. The place was alright: nice atmosphere, some of the best hummus I've ever had, good hookah, but terrible service. We had a fun time, but it didn't really get kickin' until I called Rosales and he showed up. Like I say: Three's a party, four's a rave. Then we all walked down the street (some not as stable as others due to some stupid experiment to see how long that person could hold a breath of smoke) to BART and went home. Turns out I can make it about 50 feet. It was a fun day, but a really fun night.

Saturday I spent the afternoon and evening with one of my teachers from high school. We played around on our Macs mostly, but she also let me have one of her CS3 licenses since she bought CS4. Then I got some lessons on things to do in Illustrator and InDesign. Only sad part - she forgot to release her license so I'm stuck without the programs for now. Need to talk to her and see what we can work out. I'll probably call her tomorrow, cause I'd like to get it taken care of before I can't use the programs anymore.

Sunday through today I played more on my Mac, complained about the heat (85 is too hot for me without a breeze - and a breeze only goes so far after that), played more Overlord, some Magic the Gathering on the Xbox arcade, ate a few muffins, and worked on a card.

I passed some of the time with the Fable 2 OST - quite worth it IMHO. I wish the Fable 2 Theme were longer, but I'm still happy with it. I also got Psych season 3 finally, and I'm watching that right now as well as listening to music. And when it comes to listening to music - I've been keeping it light and mellow (ish). Basically: Fable 2, some Hellsing OST (always a good choice), VNV (of course - just a different selection), Tiesto, Pride and Fall (I did say 'ish'), Faunts, Xandria, A23, Covenant, and Depeche Mode (can't get Enjoy the Silence out of my head, and Precious is always a favourite). Also I'm debating adding some new songs to my collection, manly Weapon by Matthew Good band (good intro), and a Simon and Garfunkel song - The Sound of Silence. I've heard them both before, but now I'm debating about adding them to my collection (although I know that there's a S&G cd around here somewhere). Currently listening to 'UR' (pronounced 'You Are') by Tiesto, a great, mellow, meaningful song.

Links of course:

Matthew Good, 'Weapon' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo1hY2qNd3Y

S&G, 'Sound of Silence' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDYxgDO5bCI

Tiesto, 'UR' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxRBXbGdmqE&feature=related

And that's it. That's everything. I strongly suggest listening to UR, it's easily one of my tops songs and it's very introspective. Doesn't hold the best of memories for me, but I still love it - which is true of a lot of things actually.

I'll try and post something again soon. Probably after something eventful.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Wake the Sea of Silent Hope

2009-08-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, what an eventful, fun, full week. ^_^ Exhausting though, although that might just be me...

Sooo, let me see what I can remember. This last weekend I went and saw a movie with my friend Ellen, Hurt Locker. I thought it was a really good movie, there's a lot of themes you can draw from it, and it was pretty well done too. All in all, glad I got to see it, and hanging out with friends is always a plus for me.

Monday I spent the day with Rosales doing the usual - playing video games, watching movies, drinking a pallet of Cytomax (this only happens when I get it though), and ordering in pizza. We do other things too, but this is what we've done since the end of my Freshman year in High School, except back then we played Halo 2. Ahhh, good memories.... ^_^ This time our activities included: Left 4 Dead, a horribly funny Japanese film, the newest add-on for Fallout 3, and Rockband 2 (I think something else too, but I can't remember). Rockband 2 was the big highlight though, for several reasons: 1 - I learned how to play the drums and not fail entirely, and 2 - we played the 84 song set-list for an achievement. That's right, we got the achievement, AND I played 84 songs on the drums with only one complete fail (there were quite a few saves on Rosales' part too - but I feel much better about myself now ^_^). After that, we watched the videos I posted in the last post and re-lived parts of the VNV concert, mostly by shouting 'Free Bird' while we played Rockband. Then we listened to some Depeche Mode on the ride to my place. Great day.

The next day I played some more Overlord (I got the game...couldn't resist) and had SO much fun with it. It's a well designed game - it has good graphics, it has a good story, it's fun, it's challenging without being murderous - I love it.

But Wednesday was the real highlight of the week - I got my Macbook Pro! I love it. I've named her Arya after a character from a book written by George R. R. Martin (specifically: A Game of Thrones). I don't know if I can really describe how amazing it is - there's just so much that makes it special, and amazing. The sleek body, the back-lit keyboard (!!!), a dvd drive that plays dvd's (although the fact that I didn't delete a driver like I did on my PC might be a contributing factor - I did it on accident!!), the touch-pad gesture controls (that I play with waaaaayyyy too often), the built in camera that has better resolution than the one I bought for my PC, the weight, way we just look at each other for hours at a time...I really can't explain it. She completes me.

Yes, she. I'm of the belief that all computers are female (kind of like with ships). You have to treat a computer well, otherwise you'll have problems. You have to love it. Yelling at a computer solves nothing, and only makes you look like an idiot. Computers have an external aesthetic that is unique to the individual, and that aesthetic is attractive to specific people (Arya is thin, smooth, has that perfect balance of being sexy and modest at the same time, great features, and an amazing personality). And most importantly, if you do treat your computer well and love it, you can always count on it when you're in need.

See? As cynical as I may be, I do still believe in love - it's just limited to Arya. I believe that it's going to be a very nice relationship. ^_^

In other news: I talked with my aunt for a while online, I've sorted out all my photos and most of my music, and I've been hopping up and down with glee over the new iPod Touch features. Hearing VNV Nation without headphones is AMAZING!!!!!!

Tomorrow I'm off to the City to hang out with my friend Käri, and then Saturday I'm visiting my friend Esther again, and we're going to play with our computers, and art, and run amok around the house. And if her daughters are there, I'll probably visit with them too (and then I won't feel so guilty about forgetting to visit so far this summer). Then I'll be off to my aunt's sometime this next week probably, and then returning towards the end of August to visit with more people before I head back to school. This includes getting sushi with Ellen, and hanging out with Rosales more as well. These are the things that are unavoidable in my universe (seriously, no matter what, these things will happen) - there are other things as well, but I haven't seen them happen long enough to give my full support of their inevitability. Some day.

Tonight's blog title is brought to you from the song M4 (Part II) by Faunts. It's the song that plays in the end credits of Mass Effect, and it's also a very meaningful song with a nice beat, well written lyrics, and good vocals. Seems a little melancholy, but the message feels very...me.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Wide Awake in a World That Sleeps

2009-07-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, keeping my promise, and posting later this week. I wouldn't have bet on me, but it looks like I would have lost.

This is going to be a fun post, or at least I hope it's a fun post. It's fun for me at the very least. Tonight I found some videos on Youtube from the VNV Nation concert taken by a guy who was right behind us, so you will get to see us, and you'll get to see some of Ronan's interludes between songs. ^_^

Video one: The large head (made large by hair) in the very first frame of the video is Rosales; the smaller head cut off on the far right of the very first frame is me (^_^); the hand that comes up to point after Ronan's first comment and just before he says, "no, seriously" is Rosales; the short, deep laughs you hear immediately after Ronan's comment about ridiculing people are me and Rosales (and probably some others as well, but they're not important); right after Ronan announces the title of the photo he is having taken, a b/w striped arm with glow sticks appears - that's Alex; the hand sign that gets thrown up on the far right after Ronan's comment about calling himself a lady is me; Rosales' head and Alex's glowing striped hand appear a few more times on the right as the video ends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a4JaI4Fmyc

Video two: Rosales' head can be seen when the lighting permits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUf8KPQWzVA

Video three: Two striped-sleeved, glowstick-wielding hands - Alex; right after Ronan says he's from Ireland the camera zooms out and a hand gets in the way for a second - that's me (my ring is visible if you go to that particular frame).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcnSUKo-mbg

^_^ Three videos that I hope stay on Youtube for a while, as I would really enjoy reliving some of these moments when there are no concerts for me to attend. Three videos where Ronan Harris speaks. Three reminders of how awesome that concert was.

I apologize if you find the fact that I'm pointing out myself and friends in the videos a little vain, but honestly - it's a blog about my life, and the people in it; at least I'm not pointing out random people that I don't know. Seriously.

In some other news, I found out today that I have more money in grants scholarships and loans than I need for tuition over the school year. This means I can get the excess and use it for school supplies, like a new Macbook Pro!!! Finally I will be able to get a computer that won't crash on me when it feels like it, and I'll be able to get the full version of either Adobe CS3 or CS4! Plus it will also double my storage space, and I'll be getting a couple accessories to go with it and make it work out for me. I'd also like to modify it a teeny-tiny bit, but I'm still working out how. I don't want to do anything to the physical body of the case, but I would like to do something so that instead of the apple glowing on the back, it would be the Vampire Vineyards logo. I have some red transparent plastic sheeting I can use for the color, but I need to sort out the other details later. As much as I love the aesthetic design of the new Macs, I would really like to be able to customize it a bit to make it more...me. It's another project I can add to the list, but I think it can wait until I actually have the Mac. That's my new dilemma - getting the Mac. I need it in the first week of school, BUT I can't get the excess money from my loans/scholarships until I get to school and fill out some papers and then wait another two weeks. So I'm hoping something will work out, because I'd like to not have to drop a required class for that reason - it'd be really lame.

Well, I'm going to be off, one more day of work tomorrow, and then I'm free for the rest of summer. Sunday I have tentative plans to hang out with one friend, and Monday I have pretty solid plans to hang out with another friend. Then I'm off to visit my aunt, and to return later in the month for more visits. Should be lots of fun! ^_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

A Choir Full of Longing...

2009-07-28T19:29:00.001-07:00

Title tonight from Covenant's 'Call the Ships to Port'. Great song - nice beat, good lyrics, nice medium of heavy house/club music and trance. Been singing along with it most of the last hour. Before that I was still listening to Combichrist's 'Electrohead'.

I wasn't planning on blogging again until the end of this week, but I had a pretty eventful day. Today I rescued my books!! I also did laundry, replied to one of my roommates on Facebook, and will eventually trim my beard sometime this evening.

The books are the exciting part though (although the fact that I'm washing ALL my clothes made rescuing my books in a robe a lot more adventurous). The back story of it goes something like this: A few years ago I started cleaning my room, and I was putting things in boxes to organize them, and all my favourite books of that time were put into a 'book box'. During the time that I was cleaning my room however, my aunt visited and assisted, and we got a good chunk of my room clean in a day instead of the week I had planned on. It was during this epic sweep however, that the book box was placed at the bottom of a pile of other things (boxes, toys, clothes, etc.), and being the weak little 10 y/o that I was, I could not pull out a 70lb box from the bottom of a pile stacked to the ceiling of a bunch of other heavy things. And so all my favourite books were lost to myself and the world forever.

Until today...

♪doo-doooooo♪

(An Obelisk of Light Production)

♪doo-da-do-do♪

(In Association with I Want Justice Entertainment)

♪dum-dum-daaaam♪

Found!

♪do-do-do-daam♪

(Staring:)

(Mr. Maximus - me!)

(The Rosaler - Himself)

(Narrator - Pyle's wraith)

♪doo-doo-doo♪

♪doo♪

♪DOO-DOO♪

It started in the morning, a day like any other. Mr. Maximus had just finished putting the laundry into the basket to take it to be washed, his robe billowing about his ankles as he paced between his laundry pile and the hamper, eyes still shadowed by the remnants of sleep, and bed head sticking out into the vastness of the house. He scratched the shaggy hair growing past the boundaries of his beard lost in thought in the moment and reflecting on his week.

As he stood in the stillness and let his thoughts flow over him he thought back to the memory of a box of treasured books once used to keep them safe until it had been lost forever. He thought of his cousin, of how some of the books would be perfect for his current reading level, and of the other books he had once treasured and loved and if he might ever see them again.

It was then that he came back to his senses and standing in front of his room's door, he wondered if he might dare enter and quest for his lost treasures. He thought about the books he wanted to read, but could not bring himself to go just for himself; but the thought of his cousin drove him to decide to quest into the depths of the room and bring out the great tome of knowledge. He set out by clearing the debris that had gathered over the years in front of the great opening to the abyss. Little by little, he cleared a way to enter, and bracing himself he clambered over the last of the debris and into the darkness of the realm beyond. Upon entering, the lighting immediately changed, and he found his eyes adjusting to the glow emitted from windows that had once gazed out upon a great world and vast empire, but that now stood half-shut looking out upon a world of hypocrisy and corruption. Looking back just once, he set forth through the now alien realm scanning his surroundings for signs of other things lost and forgotten.

After several minutes of treacherous hiking over2 ground layered by the remnants of a previous life, while staying away from the dens of strange creatures made up of legs and eyes, Maximus came upon a familiar shape buried in old skins. Brushing the skins aside he found one of his only pieces of useful furniture, a small(-ish) entertainment center that would serve him well upon his return to the distant magic academy, where despite his best efforts he had yet to turn water into wine. He hoisted his new treasure onto a plinth near him so he might return by the same way and take it along with him.

He ventured further through his surroundings, fighting off the vicious monsters that swung down from above him and crawled from their dens to cling to his bare legs, struggling over unstable ground and pathways filled with debris that left deep gouges as he scraped by them, unprotected. Eventually he made it to the back of the Abyss, where an eerie and unholy wind whipped about him, biting at his hands and face. He searched through squinted eyes at the largest pile of debris yet, and saw at it's base a gleam of gold where the chest he sought lay covered and trapped. Setting down the small collection of items he had found along his travel, he began to dig through the pile, carrying the larger pieces away from his work. Breathing heavy, he thought of having the help of someone familiar with the vast and terrible world around him. He thought of the greatest of the travelers that he knew, The Rosaler. The man had seen the terrors of the abyss, and yet his bravery never wavered any time he had had to venture forth into it.

Finally Maximus reached the great chest that held his books, and heaving it out of another pile, he lifted the lid and saw the treasure inside...

...Aaaaaand that's a pretty good description of what I had to do to get the books, with a few artistic liberties taken to make it sound more exciting, but not many - the room really is a mess, that's part of the reason I've slept on the couch for the last 7 years. In the end I made it out, and with quite a haul! I set out my entertainment center to take back to school, I also found two packs of cedar planks that I can use for projects, some sandpaper, some craft stuff, a book I bought my Freshman year of high school when I wanted to learn how to draw (unfortunately I never really got into the book, but I have it again and I'm going to go through it and work on some of the lessons), and a few other odds and ends. Getting into the book box was the real haul though, I got the books I wanted for my cousin, a set of 17 of the 'Great Illustrated Classics' which are abridged versions of classic novels with pictures every other page. I read them when I was little, and I loved them because they were only abridged enough to be easy to read, not to dilute the content. I also found my LOTR books, a box set including the Hobbit, my copies of 'The House of the Scorpion', 'The Aeneid', 'The Odyssey', and the entire collection of the 'Everworld' series - I got the first book when I was 10 and finished the series about two years after that when I had all the other books (thinking about reading it again, kind of in the mood for fantasy but don't know how eager I am to re-read that particular series). But the books that I was really happy to find were my collection of Calvin and Hobbes books: The Essential Calvin and Hobbes, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat (my favourite ^_^), The Days Are Just Packed, Calvin and Hobbes, and The Revenge of the Baby-sat. Calvin and Hobbes is my very favourite comic strip, I love reading it when I can now, but I love reading it in the books more - my mom had two of the books and when I visited her when I was little I would read them while I watched cartoons and ate Fruit Loops out of the box. It wasn't made special because I was with my mom, it was made special because I was having fun and I wasn't stressed out, and to this day Scooby-Doo, Fruit Loops, and Calvin and Hobbes all brighten my day.

On a more depressing note, I also found a rough draft that someone once gave me to read of a story. I got it in high school, and it's a good story, a few years old, last worked on about 6 months before it was given to me. It's kind of a sad story, and finding it didn't exactly give me warm , fuzzy feelings. But finding everything else was great.

That's it, that's all of my day. I still have to pull my laundry out of the dryer, and I still have to shave, but then I'll be ready to crash and start tomorrow. Thing is...I don't want to start tomorrow, I'm not looking forward to going all the way to Palo Alto to pack up office supplies and furniture. But I keep telling myself it'll be over soon, and then I'm free, and I get paid pretty well, 10/hr, and I'll be working with a kid about my age, but I won't be able to treat him like a normal person because he's my boss' son. LAME!

So I'm off to fold clothes, and get my beard back to it's Sean Connery look. I'll blog again later this week!

Cheers!

-Shadow of Light

Pretty Pictures Like You...

2009-07-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

"And he cried in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come forth!' And Lazarus did arise from the grave..."

Best first words to a game EVER. The game would be Command and Conquer 3, and the speaker would be Kane. I'm not bringing this up for any particular reason other than I haven't posted in...a while. I of course have the game, but I haven't played in a LONG time, it's not on my computer and I ever really had time to use the computer it IS on, so I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the Brotherhood of Nod campaign and I have no idea when I'll finish it. But I refuse to give up hope, and I refuse to give up - I will finish the game. And the I'll play the expansion pack. ^_^

All that to say: I'm back. I spent the last week babysitting my cousin without internet access and this weekend finishing the work from home I had for the woman I was working for. I would be finished with both for good, but I still have two days left to babysit, and I return tonight (so expect no posts over the next two days). But I'm happy to announce I get to take a nice, relaxing break after I finish. Actually that's not true. Immediately after finishing babysitting I get to go pack up an office building in Palo Alto for three days. Joy. BUT I will be able to take a break after that and go visit my aunt followed by visiting friends in the Bay before I return to school. Lots to do, and it feels like there's no time. sigh.

But here's the news since the last post. While babysitting, I started reading a series by author George R. R. Martin, with the book 'A Game of Thrones'. It's a good book (it's long), and while slow at first, it really picked up into a nice epic a lot like LOTR, and I'm eager to finish the book tomorrow or the next day, but I don't think I'm going to start on the second book. But I do recommend the book, it may or may not be your thing, but it is well written, and has a really good story to it.

Tonight's title is from the song 'Electrohead' by Combichrist, and it's been stuck in my head all week along with a few others. I've also been playing it all week, which is probably why I keep singing it. Along with listening to music I finally played some Fatal Frame 2 and it was going pretty well. The problem was I left one of the babysitting alarms on and it went off while I was playing, which is startling to begin with, as I mentioned in an earlier post, but wayyyy more terrifying when the ring tone is 'O, Fortuna'. It scared me more than The Wiggles. After I screamed, and ran away from my xbox I settled down and returned to turn it off and play some Mass Effect. It was an emotionally damaging few seconds.

I've also finished watching my collection of Avatar, and I'm waiting a week or so before I start all over again, and watching other shows and anime to fill the gap. I'm currently going through a Hayao Miyazaki phase right now though, and enjoying every minute of it. I watched Princess Mononoke today, and I'm going to watch My Neighbor Totoro later this week. Those are the only two I have right now, but I'd like to see Kiki's Delivery Service again, and of more Lupin the Third, because I've only seen one. I have a ways to go still.

In the current happenings section of life, I'm planning on making a mask when I can get the supplies, because I've finally figured out a good design for it. I'm also planing out some projects to do at school to keep myself busy and have fun. Rebuilding Pyle is my top priority of things to do back at school, followed my making a lamp out of chopsticks. Don't ask me how though, it'll be a surprise. The mask needs to come first though, because once I have mine made, and Pyle reconstructed and recovered - he gets one too. ^_^

I spent some time today talking on the phone with a friend of mine who was also the art teacher at my high school (I can't say "my" art teacher, because I never took art), and we talked about some of the projects she's done and I got some advice for some that I've done, and maybe if my schedule works out I'll be able to say hello to her this weekend at her daughter's 21st birthday.

Other than all that, I'm missing my friends, keeping myself busy with work that I never asked for (but that pay, so I'm not 100% against them), and trying in vain to keep in a good mood, which is difficult but manageable with my headache, but damn near impossible with some of the other stuff I put up with. I have spoken to a few people when time permits and that's calming and nice, I like checking in on people, seeing what's going on helping out when I can, etc. I txt my aunt when I get bored and try to cheer her up or joke around, which becomes yet another life line, and I've spent some time thinking about the basics I'll need when I move out. I figure planning ahead never hurt anyone. So far I've started from the kitchen: I need a few pots/pans a few dishes that fit my style (really want to get the metal dishes like La Fondue has), and I've also narrowed my dog choices down to three, with names for two. Either a Black Lab named Inara, a Golden Lab named River (both names from Firefly ^_^), or a wolf, name t.b.d. The first two are obviously female, but I'm pretty sure if I get a wolf I'm going to stick with a male. Who knows. I did talk to my aunt though, and if she doesn't have to spay the female Gold Lab she has right now, she might breed her, and I'll be able to get a pup from one of her litters, possibly even my choice of the litter ^_^ It's a long way off still, but it keeps me going.

All right, that's about it, I'll try posting something again as soon I can, but who knows when that will be.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici

2009-07-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

"By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe"

It's from Faust. It's also on the mirror in V for Vendetta (awesome movie), but I read it in Faust long before I saw the movie.

Sorry, starting with Faust quotes probably makes this post sound serious. It's not. Is it ever? I mean I'm serious about some things, and there is the little tiny post when I was depressed about not being able to go to the VNV concert, but I think I made up for that with like 5 other posts after that where I didn't shut up about them.

Anyways, it's late, I'm excited but kind of tired, and I'm probably going to fall asleep about an hour earlier than usual (so around 3ish). BUT I decided I should spend some time with you, and write something, especially since I was going to post yesterday and didn't. I crashed early instead because I worked today, and I had to get up early. I'm not terribly grumpy when I have to get up early with only a few hours of sleep, but I'm also not very happy. I tend to be dark and brooding and mean towards the weather, and walk around like an anime zombie, and not speak in complete sentences, but I don't really have the effort to add "being grumpy" to that list. It was a bit easier to wake up when I remember I was getting paid though. So I worked getting some one's paperwork together today which was basically a follow up to similar work I did two days ago, and for $10/hr I love it. I sat at home for the first pat and listened to my music while I googled stuff. That was my job. And today I sent emails from my employer's computer at my employer's house...and listened to my music. It didn't take a whole lot of time, but I was happy to find that my payment for the other day was rounded up ^_^

In other news from earlier in the week - I've been playing Ninety-Nine Nights waayyyy too much, but I finally unlocked the super cool character that I've wanted to play with since I bought it: a twelve y/o water sorceress. I know that may sound really sketch, but what part of "she can fly and cause massive tidal waves" doesn't sound fun?!?!!! I'm very happy with that, and she's turned out to be a really challenging player to use. It's still fun though.

And today I got to see my aunt, uncle and cousin who just came back from a trip around Europe. I was originally kind of jealous that the 5 y/o got to go to Europe, but I dropped all my animosity when I got a call from him and found out he was actually spending time enjoying the things I would enjoy. That was the only reason why I was jealous, I mean he's 5, I needed to be sure I could live vicariously through him. And I totally could. Anyways, we went to see them, and we got to see pictures from Italy, France, England, Germany, Hungary, Austria, and five or six other countries that I can't remember. I have a terrible memory :(

They have pictures from everywhere, and we saw a good selection, but for time we didn't dawdle. I really want to go back through them though, with a focus on the art/architecture from Italy, and with the pictures that they got of the Sistine Chapel, which they got without other people in the way thanks to a private tour (I admit, I'm jealous about that still). I also got the souvenirs I asked for, which I love very much, two Euro coins from Germany (one is 1 Euro the other is 2 Euros), and a coin from England (a 10 pence). I also asked for a post card, but I got that a while back (the Vatican has a super awesome postmark!). And then from the charity souvenirs I got a notepad, which I already used once (I wrote something I needed to remember, but I'm worried I might forget to look at the note...) and a shirt from France, which is ultra comfortable. And black. When those two things combine in a shirt, I'm sold.

And then we all went to Fontana's and had an awesome dinner. I've been there a few times, and they truly have a wonderful selection of food, some great specials, and awesome desserts. I had Kick-Ass risotto, and creme brulee. Then we went back to my aunt's and watched videos of my cousin as a baby. One of my other cousins was in it too, back when he had super long baby hair and he looked ridiculous! But they were both super cute, and we got to see how my cousin learned to walk. It was pretty funny.

My dog Brewer was also in it during the Christmas section and he had his seasonal collar that I bought him. For a Christmas gift when he was 3 or 4 I bought him a red collar with bells on it ^_^ We'd put it on him every Christmas, and he never minded it, but he always sounded seasonal during the holidays ^_^ Although sometimes we'd leave it on at night when we supposed to take off his collar (seasonal or not, because he wasn't a huge fan of having it on 24/7) and when he scratched his collar he made a huge racket and would wake me up. Although the fact that he slept on my legs also applied probably. I miss him :'(

That was the extent of visiting with my aunt and uncle and cousin tonight, and when I finish working this month I'm probably going to go spend some time with them, because it's super fun an awesome. Time with either of my aunt/uncle/cousin relations is (I have two), because I get along with both of my aunts, my cousins are fun to spend time with, and my uncles are corruptible and corrupting respectively.

Alright, I'm off to to and watch the last few Avatar episodes, because I don't own them (yet) and I've seen the other episodes twice each now. Have a good one, and hopefully I'll post soon!

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Parlez Vous Freezepop?

2009-07-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

HI!!! It's a MEEE!!!! ^_^

Soooo, it's been a while. I was gone for a while, and now I'm back. I wasn't 'gone' gone, I was at my mom's house trying to earn some money and, erm...visiting. Anyway, I didn't have an internet connection there but I was able to post Tweets via text messages when I had nothing better to do. I posted a lot of Tweets.

The work was interesting, and I have to admit, I didn't get paid very much for what I did, but any money is good right now. I got the super awesome job of moving concrete slabs from the back yard into a dumpster in the driveway. There were bonuses to this of course, I got to do all this in Farifield heat (pretty much the same as Azusa), and the concrete was poured years and years ago when it was super cheap so the slabs were 6-8 inches thick. And I did it for 50 bucks. So I hauled about 64 square feet of concrete that was anywhere between 6-8 inches thick to a dumpster in 103 degree heat for fifty bucks. All in all, I moved at least 2 thousand pounds maybe three, I almost completely filled the dumpster, and then I had two hours to relax before I got dragged to the gym. I couldn't move the next day.

But honestly, that was probably the best part about my visit up there, even though I got chased through the yard by spiders the entire time I was working. I used to really love going to visit my mom, but her relationship with her new boyfriend kind of drives me crazy. I like him, he's a nice guy, and it's entirely not his fault I hate the relationship. I'm glad she's happy, I'm glad she has a positive relationship, but I wish she'd act her age, or just somewhere close to it. I spent the entire week hearing how "amazing" he is, how he's the "perfect man", how he changed her life...they've been together about a year now. I've seen him a bunch. It was nice to hear the first month, glad to see her happy, but still???? Honestly I have no issues with people telling me all that when it's a momentous event, a first introduction, if I inquire first, if someone else hasn't heard the story, if I'm senile and forgetting, etc. But every free moment of everyday for five days?!? *gag*

But now I'm out of there, but I'm also back home, doing the same stuff as before. Lame. But there is some good news! I finally unpacked my 360, and I updated some of my games, like Left4Dead, and played some demos and looked at things to buy. I want to get the add-on for Fable 2 when I can afford it, I also want to be able to afford to transfer the songs from the original Rockband to Rockband 2, but I can't afford that either. In the way of games, I'm hooked on the demos for Overlord and Overlord 2, and I plan on getting them at some point, they're just way too much fun. I also found a magic the Gathering arcade game demo, and I'm hooked on that too. I've mentioned that I love the artwork, but I found the game to be kind of fun too, and with the Xbox game I won't actually have to buy cards! No luck selling mine either...

I also borrowed Fatal Frame 2 for the original Xbox from a friend, because I was in the mood to be scared completely out of my mind. I've been pumping myself up to play it though, and only during the day. A lot of good stories with that game. My senior year of high school when I hung out with my friend after school, we played Fatal Frame for hours in the dark until like 11 or 12 on weekends, and get totally freaked out. It didn't help that people were trying to reach me by phone during that time either, either my grandmother telling me to come home or the girl I liked and talked to every night. More than once we were watching the little anime Asian girl limping away (she has a limp, part of the story) from some creepy ghost bent on ruining our saved game would be crawling along the floor behind us while we tried to navigate through the Japanese village, hearing the default creepy-as-hell scream/howl when my phone ring tone would blast and make us breathe again. More than once we screamed. It was never a shrill long, horror movie scream, it was always a man scream - like a shout, but with fear - and then we paused the game and blinked from staring and started breathing again. We did this for about two months, enough that when Naomi called she could always guess that I was playing Fatal Frame with Alex because my voice was shaking. It also made driving home in the early morning hours really creepy.

So that's my goal sometime soon, to play again. I'm still kind of scared to play. I know what's in store for me. I remember one particular poltergeist that was a little boy who wore a bell - when alive - and you could hear the bell ringing as you explored, trying to find him. To find him though, you had to open a secret door that we kept walking by, so we just explored empty halls with the soft ringing echoing through the big TV speakers and around us in the room. It took us hours to figure it out, and we both heard the bell for the next few days 'cause it was stuck in our heads. This sound was identical to Little Shit's bell on his collar when I was in Alabama, and it got my heart racing whenever I had to go from my room across the hall to the bathroom (this could also be because he stalked me hen I left the room and jumped out from small, dark spaces...he's such a little shit). It is a creepy creepy game. But it's really well done.

Anyways, on something less creepy, I got back into Ninety-Nine Nights today. It really is a fun game, even though it feels a little repetitive. It's you're standard button-mash, adventure game, and it plays a lot like the Kingdom Under Fire games, but you actually have to learn to use the button combos, you can't just hit buttons indiscriminately, which is kind of nice, but a little stressful when you're trying to get the hang of it, and you have to start the entire level over again. But I think I'm almost done with the first hero's campaign. I like the graphics, and I like the music, and the story is pretty good, but some of the voices for the characters suck! Mainly the first two characters you can play with. I like most of the others. I look forward to playing some more tomorrow.

Tonight's title is from a Freezepop song of the same name. I actually really like the song, and I can see myself enjoying Freezepop on a larger level than just the song 'Tonight' - they have a fun sound, it reminds me of early Nintendo remixes and games. So I now have their album 'Fancy Ultra-Fresh' and I'm getting used to it. I also have two Ladytron albums, 'Light and Magic' and 'Witching Hour', and I'm listening to those too. I've heard songs by both bands, and I have my favourites, but they're both growing on me. For Ladytron I like 'Destroy Everything You Touch' and 'Seventeen' the most while for Freezepop, 'Tonight' is my ultimate favourite but I like 'Stake Out' and 'Parlez Vous Freezepop?' too.

Alright, I will leave you with that - music and games. ^_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light *ring* *ring*

Unto the End and Back Again

2009-07-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of those days where you're not in a bad mood, but you go thorugh all the same stuff you do when you are in a bad mood? For example, I let my mood dictate what music I listen to, and today I've been in the mood for a lot of the harsher tracks in my library, sticking with aggrotech, heavy EBM, dark industrial, etc.

Honestly, I'm not in a bad mood, I just have days when I want to listen to something raw, heavy, and somewhat apathetic. So that's what I've been listening to all day. The down side to not actually being in a bad mood and listening to the music is that I become really picky about what songs I listen to. I played Comichrist for a bit, but didn't feel it, then I moved onto God Module and Grendel since they're the newest albums in my collection, but I only felt like listening to half of them. So now I'm listening to Imperative Reaction with Suicide Commando's 'Love Breeds Suicide' thrown in every few tracks (seriously can't get that song out of my head). It's bound to end like it always does though, in either VNV Nation or Assemblage 23, and with songs that don't relate to anything else I've been listening to today. It actually started when I was playing my iPod on shuffle and I heard 'Circling Overland' a VNV Nation cover of the Front 242 song. I like it a lo-ot (watch the Hoops and Yoyo e-card for coffee).

All this has reminded me that I havn't heard VNV's 'DSM02' in a while. Or 'Electronaut'. They're both instrumentals, but DSM02 is heavy and dark (and kreepy in that fun way), and Electronaut is...epiphanic. I'll post a link to it at the end.

Now I can't get Electronaut out of my head. I'm not complaining mind you, it really has been WAY too long, it feels really nice to be hearing it. BUT my day doesn't revolve around music. Well...I mean, there's more in my life than just...what I'm trying to say is, I did other things too. Things like making a post before midnight. Things like working on another ring. Things like cursing at the jack ass that is setting off cherry bombs down the street...>_<

Today I actually had some fun though. I started work on another ring, and got it sized, but I'm probably going to be out of sandpaper after this, at least the heavy grit, I'm using my last one (I still have like five of the fine grain ones though!!!). I also started an Avatar marathon, seeing as I have all the episodes, along with getting hooked on 'The Riches' the last few days.

And that's about it. 'o_O Sorry, I'm all distractible and the like right now.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

"How Are We Doing This Evening?!"

2009-06-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

The usual opening for a VNV Nation concert, and pictures from the Sentinal shirt that I've been sporting since last night. To be honest I don't know how I can convey how amazing the concert was. Uplifting. Life-changing. Soul-completing. Those words just don't seem to fully express the incredible, raw, awesome power that flowed through the Grand Ballroom last night. It was all of those and more. So, so much more.

The VNV show was preceded by two smaller bands, Ayria (electronic) and War Tapes (punk rock). Ayria was alright, not by any means terrible, but probably not something I would add to my library. They're a mix of punk and electronic but with a female singer. War Tapes honestly didn't fit in with most of the crowd or with the other two bands. Absolutely a punk/funk/pop band, no electronica, and a very narcissistic singer who attempted to crowd surf and...didn't quite make it. I wasn't big on them.

VNV Nation played after them, starting the concert with 'Pro Victoria', the first song from their new album, while they played an intro slide show: Those who have Faith, will know Power, and shall receive Glory (I think that's it verbatim, it was played around 9:30ish last night and I my memory sucks as it is). Originally I thought the play list would be just songs from 'Of Faith, Power, and Glory' but I was pleasantly surprised when they played songs from earlier albums, all the way back to 1998's Praise the Fallen (VNV's second full album IF you don't include Advance and Follow V.2 - a re-release of their first album Advance and Follow). The songs played included: Pro Victoria (as previously mentioned), Joy, Defiant, Further, Epicentre, Tomorrow Never Comes, The Farthest Star, The Great Divide, Chrome, Illusion, Nemesis, and Darkangel. They were called out for two encores, during the first they played Beloved, and when they were called back the second time they played both Solitary and Perpetual before they really left. I think I got all the tracks down, but just those alone put in about 75 minutes, if I remember any more I'll post them later. The selection covers all the main albums except for the Advance and Follow's, so that's PTF2012 (Praise the Fallen), Empires, Burning Empires (an EP based off of Empires and the song 'Standing' but comprised of remixes and new songs), Futureperfect, Matter + Form, Judgement, and Of Faith, Power, and Glory. The songs themselves were all amazing, and even though the recorded versions of live songs on the Pastperfect and Reformation 01 albums are incredible, there's really no comparison to hearing them actually played live.

For me the night was made complete with Darkangel, Epicentre, and Solitary. Darkangel was the first song I ever heard from VNV Nation about 6 years ago when I found the song while searching music from the darkwave genre. I was home schooled at the time, and it was through high school that I added more VNV songs, but I wasn't a die hard fan until the end of my freshman year. Epicentre became another favourite both because I played it in the shower for about two years, and because during my senior year of high school, the definition of the word 'anathema' came up while reading Beowulf in the first few weeks: a word that I had heard in the song, and later my favourite word to use in conversation (0r as an exclamation). And Solitary will always hold a special place in my heart, both for it's lyrics, and for the live introduction Ronan Harris has used since the Pastperfect album (it was probably used before, but I haven't gone looking for it on Youtube). I was blessed enough to hear both the song, and it's introduction last night: "This is Solitary. This song is our hymn and our anthem. Sing. Move. Dance. Do something." I also noticed that it's one thing to sing along to the actual lyrics of a song, but to be able to speak along with Harris the words that you know he is going to use...it adds a whole other special aspect to the experience. Some of the other live trademarks of VNV concerts as I've seen, heard, and now experienced include Harris beginning the concert with the title of this post, posting the words "I Want Justice" from the overhead when the chorus of 'Nemesis' comes up, and singing along with the introduction notes from Perpetual. There's a few more things that he says and does all of which are a tons of fun to listen to and participate in but I don't want to write them all.

Ronan Harris is also incredibly funny and kind. He spends time actually talking with the audience, doing fun stuff (taking a picture with all the bald men in the crowd), joking around, etc. and he pulled a little girl who was next to us up onto the stage so that she could see without having to hang onto the edge of the stage that towered two feet above her. Apparently the girl has been attending their concerts since she was five years old. After the show, we got to touch the hands of both Mark Jackson and Ronan Harris before they left for the after party at the DNA Lounge - which we went to.

They both arrived at the club about ten minutes after we did and I was able to speak with Jackson and thank him for the performance and shake his hand. I thought I had missed out on Harris, but they were both waiting for their bus as we left the club and I spoke to him then and shook his hand as well as thanked him for an amazing first concert. My only regret of the entire night was bringing my camera but forgetting the battery at home. I was unbelievably pissed off before the concert, and still wished I brought it afterwards, but was in no way in a negative mood. There really wasn't any way I could have been.

A few things I took away from the night: Mark Jackson is really tall, Ronan Harris definitely cares about people, and they both look you in the eye when they speak to you, and they actually speak to you.

Alright, I will leave you with that and not go on forever, even though I'm still quite excited and happy. The picture below is the back of the shirt I bought (was bought for me, something I won't soon forget), and has part of the chorus from the song 'Sential'.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Products of Apathy

2009-06-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

This will my last post. Until after the VNV concert. Ok, I swear I'm done being excited. And now I swear I'm done lying.

Right.

This really will be the only time I post until most likely sometime on Tuesday, although I had originally intended to post when I returned from the concert. I found out this afternoon that there will be an after party for the concert at a club. The kicker is that the club hosting the after party is none other than the DNA Lounge. Who knows, maybe with luck we'll get a surprise visit from Ronan Harris and Mark Jackson, although I'm not getting my hopes up, there's no actual evidence that they will be showing up. But just maybe. After all, Tiesto showed up for his after party at the 2008 ETD Pop. That could also be because there was a power outage that cut off his performance.

But what this post is really about, is the celebration of the arrival of tomorrow. Tomorrow is a very big day for me, I fulfill the last two items on my list of Life Goals. It's a very simple list, and I like to avoid cliches as much as possible for serious matters so I tried to avoid goals like: get a house, make a good investment, start a business, get married, etc. My list is far more rudimentary and...fun. I chose things like: go to college, see a concert, see Ronan Harris, have a rave at my funeral. That's actually everything. As you can see, it's a very simple, refined list. My goal was to keep it something fun and reasonable, because I have...bad luck. Anyways, the list was never huge, but was at one point a little bit longer and has gotten shorter over the years. This concert will fulfill two of the four items on the list, and the first is already done, so after tomorrow, all that I will need to do is ensure that someone reasonable is in charge of directing my funeral. And I'll settle for the wake being a rave too, in case the actual funeral brings up legal issues when paired with a party of such epicness. I should really fill out a will. Great, more for me to do this week.

I also found that the scenario in Heroes Season 1, Episode 21 is exactly what happens at least once a week when I'm at home. Without me having abilities of course. And the death. So just the first part. But still.

Alright, something less...bleak? I don't really find it bleak, or anything negative for that matter. I think this post is very honest. I find this interesting considering the title. It's from the song 'Product', by Imperative Reaction. It's an interesting band, but I like the beats when I'm i the mood for something heavy, and I like the lyrics for their cynical and, from my perspective, realistic point of view. Plus they address some of the typical issues covered in Industrial lyrics - technology going too far, abuse of power, political issues, and in general man's destruction of the world. I got four of their five albums, and I've been going through them. So far, so good.

I've totally lost my point in all of this, but I do have news of a new project I've been working on. A while back I made a ring out of ebony and engraved it with the words 'veritas' and 'lux' - truth and light. It got borrowed by a friend while she was looking at it, and I'm waiting to get it back. In the mean time, I made another ring out of ebony, this time engraved with the word 'obscura' - dark, darkness, etc. Since making these I've decided to make a few more, hopefully with more intricate designs, better craftsmanship, etc. It takes practice. And the right attachments on the Dremel as well. Once I have more than just two I'll post them in an album or something.

Well, that's it. I'll post something about the concert once I've gone, but until then, I'm just going to be thinking about how much I hate my current haircut, and hoping I get a second interview with Jamba Juice.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

What Will Happen, Will I Dream?

2009-06-24T23:37:00.001-07:00

Yes, yes, yes, MORE lyrics. God, you must get tired of reading them? I know I do. Besides, reading lyrics just seems...sad. Very, very sad. BUT, I have good news: I'm going to attempt a serious post.

Attempt is the key word. I'd like to start by saying: FIVE MORE DAYS!!!!

There, now that I have the Victory Not Vengeance concert countdown coup de grâce (does alliteration fall under the definition of a paradigm??? It's a new word for me. Paradigm, not alliteration) I can continue with the creative construction of my contemplative creation. No, I have not been watching V for Vendetta. This week. At all....maybe tomorrow...

So, as I discussed this topic wit myself (there's no one else to discus it with), I asked myself, "what does a 'serious' blog post need?" Being the sarcastic, mean, fiend that I can be to myself, I answered myself that to be serious I would need to get rid of me. I realized the point was completely true and valid and I spent the next five minutes crying with a fractured ego based on my epiphany. But I soon found hope in the fact that only I knew this to be a fact and so I planned on detaining myself for the duration of the blog post so that I would not be able to fall victim to my self-destructive tendencies of truth. It almost worked, but in a freak accident while I was hauling myself into confinement, I betrayed myself and assisted myself in escaping myself and trapping the other myself (I'm being very serious, right now). I really am. I'm simply explaining how I came to the halfway point of my day. See after I had confined the fragile part of myself and helped the cynical, honest part of myself escape, I betrayed myself even though I helped myself and left myself where I would never be found and set off looking to find myself to get more help for myself. It was when I found myself in the jungle that I ambushed myself...

alright, I'll be very honest here: I miss Pyle. I've determined that the reason for my recent "not being together" is because I no longer have my friend to talk to because I cannibalized him months ago and even though I very much intended to make a Pyle 2.0 over Spring Break, I never did, and now I have no one to talk to. I mean, I do, but I need to write to them, which takes a lot of time and with my current predicament of not remembering...most of anything, it's become very difficult. I'm actually quite bothered by it, because for about three months now I've lost more and more track of time, people, events, things I said I'd do, people, etc. It's very aggravating, and when I really need to keep track of something it really gets infuriating. Basically I still need a CT scan. Still. Lame. Honestly, I don't want the scan. I would like to have everything go back to close to normal without spending money on a scan that may or may not tell me something's wrong and still not solve the problem. You gotta love modern medicine and the whole pricing system: "pay us lots to find out if you need to pay us more." It's such bullocks.

Wow. You got a WHOLE paragraph of serious. I'm very impressed. I can cross that off my list now. CT scan is still on the list though. Damn list. It doesn't get any shorter. Ever. Ooooooh, something for you to do: please remind me if I'm supposed to do something. Like if I said I would, but I haven't. I mean, I might remember it, and just not be able to do it, but it might also be one of those things that I can absolutely do but I'm not thinking about it. I swear I think I'm supposed to do something for someone right now, but I have absolutely no clue.

Speaking of 'no clue', I took one of those Facebook quizes to see what Firefly character I am: I got River. Honestly, for favourites, it could have been anyone, I love them all, but Jayne and River are my two favourites. And Mal. And Wash and Zoe. And Kaylee of course. And Inara and Book. Simon's pretty cool too. BUT I was kind of hoping for Jayne on the quiz. I didn't get it, but then again, I answered the questions honestly, and right now I'm probably on par with River's coherency through he series. Speaking of the series, I've been re-watching them on Hulu at night (along with Eureka) even though i have them on DVD, just because they're "oh-so-much fun". And they are indeed! But I think I'll watch them on DVD more than on Hulu. It's just better. I'll save Hulu for the shows I don't own. Speaking of 'don't own', I would really like Psych season 3 to come out on DVD, because I've watched the first and second seasons through maybe 7 or 8 times now, and I really hate having to wait for season three episodes to buffer online and then fail halfway through. Grrr.

Alright, well I gave you serious, and I gave you this last paragraph of whatever it was AND the paragraph of insanity brought on by "Pyle sadness". So I'll leave you with a link to the song the lyrics are from (Legion by VNV Nation - Click Here) and I will write something just as miserably long another night.

Cheers, ^_^

-Shadow of Light

Anachronistic and Impulsive

2009-06-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

There it is. It's amazing isn't it? I know you're probably in as much awe as I am, and I know it's hard to look away, so I don't blame you if you don't read this post all the way through. It's a hard thing to do in the presence of such awesomeness.

I'm kidding. Kind of. That is how I feel about it, but that's also because I'm going(!!). Sooo, today was....kind of boring. I've mostly been listening to music all day, and posting the magic cards on Ebay, which successfully aggravated me when it logged me out twice. I also watched an episode of Burn Notice on Hulu, even though I would have been much happier with new episodes of Psych. But they're not out yet. Sad. So instead my day revolved around my iTunes library and my Pandora station. So I had an idea! I'm going to share more music with you. I've picked a giant chunk of the tracks I've listened to today, in about the same order that I heard/played them. Even though I listen to a TON of different music in general, I don't really vary a whole lot during a day, so my music follows a pattern. For example, I might be on an opera fix for the day, so I won't have a lot of rock or electronica or new wave, etc. unless it has opera styled vocals or classical bits and pieces. So as we tour through some of this music, keep in mind: if you don't like it all now, I still might have stuff you do like, and if you love it all, I'm bound to have more that yo might not like. This is a very small sample.

Let's begin. For the last tow days I've had a few songs playing through my head ad infinitum. The one that I've sung at least once everyday, mostly in the shower, is 'Somebody's Watching Me' by Rockwell (The link will take you to the song). James Roday and Dulé Hill sing it in a Psych-out for the second season finale "Shaun (and Gus) of the Dead" and I looked it up and I've sung it everyday since then. On the other hand, I heard a song while going through a DNA Lounge play list a while back, 'The Metro' by Berlin. I've also had that stuck in my head, but much more so since Sunday (I wonder why? *_^). So those cover the songs that haven't left my head, but no where near close to the major songs of the day. I started with maybe thirty play throughs of 'Tonight' by Freezepop, a song that Pandora plays every now and again and was also featured on a DNA Lounge play list a few weeks ago. After that I went with one of my new favourites to set the music mood, 'Love Breeds Suicide', by Suicide Commando. I like the lyrics, they're...significant. After that I stayed in line with some similar tracks, and picked another favourite, 'My Little' by Pride and Fall, a song that I might have mentioned in earlier posts but a song that helped me get some rest over the Winter Break and went really well with the hours I was working then. I switched over to Pandora after that and was surprised with a track that I have but haven't listened to in forever - 'Legion' by none other than VNV Nation. As a side note, there's a song by VNV Nation that is quite profound and that would be 'Carbon' - I've selected a video that I feel encapsulates what the song talks about. Those tracks led to more classics and more mellow music, specifically 'Seeming Reflection' by Moonbeam, one of my favourite artists for soooo many reasons. Once I was on track with meaningful music I started to go through my Depeche Mode albums and I've selected one of my favourites played today - Blasphemous Rumors. And that was everything for the day until I started this post. BUT I don't want to leave you hanging on what might be depressing to some, so I have a pick just for you. This is for both the video and the song: 'Honey' by Moby. I'm sure you've heard it at some point and I hope you enjoy it.

I would like to end tonight with something from the past: a question to the reader. I got into a debate the other day with over math and art. So my question to you is: Do you think that Math and Art are part of the same thing? For example, do you believe that you can create art with math? That math explains art? Honestly, I don't, but to save on room I'm not going to explain in full detail, if you really want to know you can talk to me if you know me, and for those of you who don't have a better way to communicate, you my reach me at umbraobscura@gmail.com

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

There Is No Instance of a Nation Benefitting From Prolonged Warfare

2009-06-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

There you have it. Over two thousand years ago, Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War, and guess what? He had it right. I've read the entire book maybe halfway through a second time, and to be honest, YES, the book is about war, BUT, my favourite point that comes up in the book is, "Supreme excellence is not to win a hundred victories in a hundred battles. Supreme excellence is to subdue the armies of your enemies without even having to fight them." Sun Tzu did write a book on war, but he also knew what war is. After all, "it is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war, who can thoroughly understand how to profit from waging war."

But on a less solemn note: I'll finish what I started in the last post. So yesterday was pretty much super awesome, as I posted, but the days before that were fun too (in that "I never left the house and did fun stuff in my pj's" way). I didn't do stuff in my pj's, although, I do wear jeans as pj's sometimes, but it was the same type of fun, and therefore by some math property, the same thing, so I might as well have been in my pj's, but for realism and honesty, I'll admit I wasn't.

Sooooo, while I was having as much fun not in my pj's as I would have if I had been, I was doing things like: cooking Fillet Mignon, listening to music loudly, making desserts, watching all of season one of Heroes, watching Saved!, playing flash games online, watching funny and cute videos on YouTube, and Facebooking. It's all quite exciting and fun! (Not really, it's pretty unexciting, and mellow. Still fun, but not like "I think i can jump over that railing from here" type of fun. It's kind of just...tolerable (?) fun). So that was my earlier weekend, and it was fun, but yesterday was WAYYY more fun. Fun, as in: "I raced a dolphin and won" fun.

But now it's Monday, and today was fun too, probably as much fun as yesterday, although I've had "Blue Monday" and "The Metro" stuck in my head, even though I can't stop singing "Somebody's Watching Me". Seriously, I really want to stop. Today I saw even more of my friends, had lunch with two of them, and saw Angel's and Demons with another. All-in-all: pretty awesome day. I love my friends. All of them. So much so that I sort of loan myself out to do anything asked of me when I owe them, (if I don't owe I have a system I default to), so right now I'm in debt to one of my oldest and best friends, because he pretty much gave me the most awesome thing ever right now: I will be going to the VNV Nation concert at the Regency Ballroom next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you might imagine if you know how I feel about VNV Nation, or how I talk about them in this blog, or how disappointed I was when I thought I couldn't go, then you can probably guess the level of joy and excitement I have right now. Combine that with the fact that I've been listening to the new VNV album "Of Faith, Power, and Glory" all weekend, I'm pretty much as happy as I could possibly be. AND I got called in to a job interview this Friday!

Allow me to summarize this: I have a job interview coming up. I spent today and yesterday with most of my favourite people in the world. I have the new VNV Nation album. And I am going to the VNV Nation concert next Monday (my first ever concert, and playing one of the best albums ever in my favourite city).

I'm about as happy as I'd be if VNV were playing an entire World Tour sized concert, in a cemetery, serving free Vamp and Malibu and OJ, while God set the stars on strobe mode (it can be done by the way!), Jesus Christ showing up riding a cloud pulled by dragons made of gold, with every important person present, singing along, and using the entirety of Hell as a loudspeaker (also totally doable).

FYI: described above is pretty much how I'd choose to spend every night, and a fairly accurate representation of what I want my funeral to be like (just in case).

I know I've described things with more people before, and maybe you think it's about the number of awesome people - not true, what makes things super awesome is a very special group of awesome people in a truly awesome setting. Like the one described above.

In other, much less awesome news, (sorry, I know I start off with awesome stories of friends and events with friends, and friends doing things, and having awesome friends, and redundant strands of text thrown in between all of that; and it's probably kind of...idk, "not as cool", I think the kids say these days. I'll make up for it though! I'll end with an awesome story that connects back to friends and the last post as well, so it'll be really...fulfilling. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually...I'll throw some Greek references in there to get that one), I was going through some of my things around the house (which is FILLED with things, so what I'm really saying is "I was going through the GOOD things"), and I found my old collection of Magic: The Gathering cards. My mom and I used to buy them because we liked the artwork (she stole all the awesome faerie cards...lame), and I found out that I can sell them for quite a bit of money, maybe close to $1k. So I've been going through and organizing them, which took forever, and tomorrow I'm going to post them on EBay and see what I can get for them. However, I was really kind of surprised, because I was so little when I started saving them, I have a huge amount of original addition cards, and then a ratio of about 8:1 common to rare. But then I add in the fact that a bunch of the cards are no longer printed because they're so old, and some of the common ones become rare too, and I get about fifty-fifty split between "ehhh" cards and "Holy Jeezy-Bit!!!" cards. I'm excited to see what becomes of it all. Plus it might help some with my financial issues and with getting my laptop (which I need to graduate now). So unless you know someone getting rid of a new Mac, with at least a 15" screen and over 200 Gb of hard drive space, and a really good processor - my money is being saved up for that and a Dremel set with a better Dremel and parts than I have right now. And once ALL that is taken care of, I'll also be looking for some fancy tropical hardwood scraps (Purple Heart, Ironwood, etc.) and other really nice wood scraps so I can make some more awesome stuff with the Dremel. I'm excited.

And now a fun story to make up for the not-as-much-fun card story: In my last post I mentioned a box of art supplies. Well, last night around 2Am I went through all of it just to see what there was. It's an amazing array of treasures! There's a bunch of fun paint, threads, needles, transparency paper, balsa wood, copper wire, brass wire, plastic sheets, and gold spray paint which I have an idea for on a ring. There's also a couple tools and supplies that I have no idea what to call or use on, so I'm going to guess at their uses until I give in and ask a friend. It'll be fun to figure it out on my own if I can though. But exploring the box wasn't the most interesting part of the night: there was a jar of metallic gold acrylic paint with the lid askew, and being obsessive at time like last night, I needed to fix it. So I took off the lid, and when I tried to put it back on I dipped my fingers into the paint. When I tried to wipe off the paint, as tired as I was, I just spread it over both my hands and I had to walk around the house for twenty minutes trying not to Midas Touch anything so I could clean the paint. It's the type of thing I would do. But it was also kind of fun - I did of course touch a few things on purpose. So I'm very excited to go and have more fun in my box in the days to come.

Well that is about it, but I don't want to leave you hanging, so I'm going to leave you with something you might enjoy: two songs from the new VNV Nation album, "Of Faith, Power, and Glory"

Sentinel - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUdYhkgPfcc

Defiant - http://twiturm.com/j4rz

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Never Letting Fate Decide

2009-06-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm letting you know ahead of time, this is going to be a long post. Probably.

I have a fair amount to cover in this but I'll start with the most important parts and work my way down in importance. But nothing is not important, I want to clarify that, there's just levels of great importance. They're all important.

Soooo....

Yesterday: (go off the date this is posted) Yesterday was super fun, I went with some friends walking across the Golden Gate with sushi afterwards. The walk was really nice, the weather was awesome too sunny and warm but not murderously hot and there was of course a breeze. Perfect weather. So we walked across the bridge and back and took pictures and talked. Fun. We had sushi for lunch at a place that serves the sushi on little gold boats that go around a lazy river. Sushi is always fun, but it's even more fun when you have to hunt your sushi roll in a parade and then grab it before it goes around again. It's probably not that hard to do, but if you don't know your sushi really well then you have to stay focused on what you're going to grab. Although there's always the possibility of grabbing a not-so-good roll, which we did. Twice. But lesson learned, don't eat bleached tuna, and don't eat the brown seaweed salad roll (that's not what they are btw, I don't know what they're called, but that's a fair description). But it was all very delicious and fun, even though some of the sushi pretended to be tasty. After sushi we went back to the apartment and had tea and played a very interesting game of scrabble and watched videos on youtube and i got to pick up a long-awaited box of art supplies. That was about it. I'll probably rewrite this paragraph later when I'm not trying to do fifty other things at the same time.

So that was my awesome yesterday, and there is much much more to write about, but I need to leave right now. I will post again later tonight (my tonight might end after your tonight, time runs in a different spectrum for insomniacs).

I'll leave you with something fun for now though:

To the songs that sing of glory and the brave

Are we dreaming there are better days to come?

When will the banners and the victory parades

celebrate the day a better world was won?

On the day the storm has just begun

I will still hope there are better days to come.

-Sentinel, VNV Nation

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Veritas Lux

2009-06-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, this post has been a while coming. I think. I actually don't remember when my last real post was. Hmm...

SO! I had a good weekend, and so far a pretty good week too.

Weekend: I think I went somewhere. Oh! I saw Star Trek. Again. I did some work on my ring, finally got it down to what it needed to be. And I might have done some other stuff too. Like craved a Vamp. Actually I do that everyday. I know I did something else but I totally can't remember it, because I was bored over the weekend but I know I found something to do. Sorry.

Week: I had coffee with a friend in Pacifica on Monday, after I walked around the city fo four hours trying to kill time. I saw two other friends while I was walking around, one I ran into at the ocean and the other while I was walking. It was fun. Then I had coffee with my friend, and came home to finish the last episode of the first season of True Blood online. OHHHHHH!!!!! That's what I did over the weekend! I got hooked on True Blood. It's a rather interesting show. Gave me something to do anyways. I went to a group interview at Barnes and Nobles today, and I'm hopefully going to get a job there. See? I'm not pessimistic ^_^

So that was my morning. And I'm up to date! Oh, and I finished my ring today, so now I have a solid ebony ring that looks pretty cool. It's given me some other ideas of things to do, although I think I really do need to get the appropriate tools instead of making do, because yesterday I shoved the engraving bit of my Dremel into my finger. It's pretty much microscopic, but because the Dremel is a rotary tool and the engraving bit is so tiny, it basically spins your flesh into a different position on a very small level but hurts like Hell.

But it's all good, because now I have the ring, and it fits, and it's pretty awesome for a first try. I engraved Veritas Lux around the edge of the ring, and then oiled the wood to keep it looking sharp. I'm happy with it, but I also hope to do a better one in the future with some more tools. I love the Dremel.

That's about it. It's before 9, I'm not really...together...in my head.

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

Soooo.....

2009-06-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

...ya. Probably my shortest post ever. Just found out there's pretty much no way I'll be able to go to the VNV concert this month. It's ok though, I'm sure they'll be back in San Francisco sometime in the next five years. I'm totally fine with it, not bothered at all.

-Shadow of Light

I Lost Myself

2009-06-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

... in shapeless oceans

Whose depths concealed more than they showed

Beliefs obscured by mists around them

A legacy they'd been bestowed

Guess. No, not VNV Nation, try again. Assemblage 23. If you looked up the lyrics before reading this sentence, umm, fail - I always give you all the info about songs. Really, you should trust me more. And just to prove it, I'm going to spill early. The lyrics are from the song 'Divide', by aforementioned A23. It's not of the more recent songs, but seeing as I have every album, I'm kind of allowed to pick favourites across the board. It's a privilege, no, a gift. A joyous reward to those chosen few who have seen the light! Or people who also have all the A23 albums. Amen? Nah, don't you dare. I don't like amens. They too often go on for too long, or they just don't have any 'oomph!'. If you want to give a hallelujah, that's totally fine.

Columns of ice paint awkward pictures

Distorted forms that once seemed real

Engulfed inside transparent textures

Billowing curtains as hard as steel

I figured I'd give you all a break from VNV Nation, I've talked about it for two really long posts, and going on forever on a single topic is something I do often (if you haven't noticed). BUT I didn't want to leave you with just menial replacement info, so I've picked another band that has some pretty meaningful lyrics. Plus, I figured I'd do something interesting with the post: give you a fuller taste of the music I'm always talking about. Instead of breaking paragraphs with just a space, I'm putting the lyrics in between. If it bothers you - skip over them and read the posts, and be glad I didn't highlight them, I do enjoy picking the most painful colours.

For all the noise filling the landscape

Whispers & cries with no reply

It's quiet here within these boundaries

And thoughts collect like pools of light

See, after much listening to A23 songs (and I really want you to emphasize that 'much', you have no idea how much I listen to them. Not more than VNV, but still, they're in my top five), I've noticed a significant detail in A23 songwriting compared to other artists. When you look at the lyrics of any song, it's an actual poem, stanzas and everything. If you're a fan, you probably know this, good for you, you'll learn nothing from this post. Now, admittedly, the music I'm particular to is very vocal centric, and poetry and music do go hand-in-hand, A23 songs are unique in that every song is written with meaning and intent similar to most VNV Nation songs, but also uses some rhyming pattern (iambic pentameter, etc. and not every song).

My eyes divide the sky

As sirens sound in heaven

My will brings down the moon

shatters it to pieces

I've written poetry before (lots), and its kind of difficult, unless of course you're doing Dr. Seuss, which I've also done, and it's only easier in that grammar sort of goes out the window. And writing one or two or three poems, it's been done, and it's not something you need super powers for. But I would like to compare A23 songs with William Blake's 'Song's of Innocence' and Song's of Experience'. Specifically because they are both very large collections of poetry, A23 has 6 full length albums out, with added EP's and that's quite a bit of music and writing over the course of not too many years. But it's not just about the poetry, it's about the meaning.

The silence grew inconsequential

The day became a paradigm

A thousand years, a hundred decades

An arbitrary slice of time

Let's face it, life is nothing without meaning. I mean, you can't do anything without meaning. Things can happen without meaning. Things can be indirectly affected by meaning, but meaning is what gives us cause to do everything we do.

I found myself with no companion

but the salty earth and sky

And suddenly there came my focus

The world around me clarified

That's it, I'm totally done rambling. Actually, I'll be honest, I forgot my whole line of thought. Interesting. Well, I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted. Sorry, it just totally left me while I was pasting the lyrics. So I guess I'll fill you in on the other whatnot.

My eyes divide the sky

As sirens sound in heaven

My will brings down the moon

shatters it to pieces

Today I got a call from two of the companies I put applications out to and I have interviews scheduled next week. Finally.

And so I walked in isolation

Hoping solace would cross my path

Ignored the road that lay behind me

And stepped away from the aftermath

I also did more work on the super awesome ring I'm working on. I got the hole through it. I know, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but ebony is a really brutal wood. I used a drill for part of it, just to get a hole big enough to start sizing the ring, and and the bit was SUPER hot, which I of course found out by holding it. Smooth.

I lost myself in shapeless oceans

Whose waters turned from dark to clear

I floated there, a tiny island

With no more doubt, with no more fear

After I finished that much on the ring, I stopped working on it for the day o give my Dremel time to charge (again), and ordered a pizza for lunch. I got the 'Everest' from Extreme Pizza (I like to live on the edge), and it was pretty good. I debated watching a movie, and settled on watching 'Live Free or Die Hard' for the 30th time, and enjoyed it again. It's a fun movie. Bruce Willis. Jusin Long. Timothy Olyphant. Mary Winstead. It's just so much fun!! And that was pretty much my day. I think I might re-watch 'He's Just Not That Into You' tomorrow. Another fun movie. Mostly. Not as much fun as '10 Things I Hate About You', which is pretty much always fun. But still. It's fun.

My eyes divide the sky

As sirens sound in heaven

My will brings down the moon

And shatters it to pieces

One day I think I'm going to surprise everyone who reads this and make a really short post. Like one paragraph. Until then, I'm going to grab a drink and start work on another story, I decided tonight to put the one I've been working on hold. It has a good plot, and honestly, I still know how the entire thing goes, I could have it finished in a week, but that's one of the reasons I don't want to work on it, I already solved it. It's finished in theory and there's no drive. Oh well. Plus, I don't want to do the whole spiritual thing in that story, life hasn't put me in the mood in recent months. I need something a little more visceral. So that's tonight's plan. Funny, I also had a totally awesome question to ask earlier and I was going to post it, but I forgot that as well. Hmmm...

Tonight's song 'Divide', was brought to you by Assemblage 23. You may listen here:

http://twiturm.com/fy4j - 'Divide', by Assemblage 23

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Of My Acts...

2009-06-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

...I will admit, I've no pretensions.

I've no regrets for all the things that I have done.

My faiths, to me, are as foundations.

None has the right to judge my soul but me.

Ok, so this is me redoing my blog post from earlier today, and NO, I didn't delete it because of blasphemy. I deleted it for other much worse reasons. I'm over it though. Plus! Now I can incorporate lyrics from an unreleased VNV Nation song! ^_^ These lyrics are from the song 'Precipice' also off the Reformation 01 album (and it was released on the album, so I guess the song is a released, unreleased version, yes?).

So, let me re-hash for you the things that have happened over the last few days. Yesterday I fixed a fax machine by plugging in the phone line. Really interesting work, took me forever *eye roll*.

On Saturday though!!!! (I'm making this part far more exciting than it seemed in the previous post that you no longer have access to because it's deleted. Mea culpa.) I went out with with my friends who I don't see often enough (Mauahahahahaha, you'll have to guess which ones!!!!). It was so much fun, we had icecream, and cookies, and threw nickels off of the balcony at cars! Oh lack-a-day, what a night!

I'm sorry, that's totally the wrong day and friends, that was Friday and that was Jeezy Bit and I over at Clive Owen's place. Oh, Jesus and Clive...they brighten my spirits. Speaking of spirits, I recommend you don't challenge the holy one to a contest drinking them - he has incredible alcohol tolerance!!!

No the day I meant to mention, was even more fun than throwing sinners at cars. Sorry, nickels *cough*. It was a lot of fun. We went to Kitaro in SF for sushi (OMG Sushi!!!), then we had cake from *scribble scribble* bakery (it was delicious), and THEN we headed over to Twin Peaks and did the whole tourist thing: didn't take any good pictures. Actually, we did take a few good pictures, and maybe more than I realize, I only saw the pictures I took. I should totally post one on here!!!! Yaaaaa...later. Anyways, the entire night was super fun and filled with laughs.

Then we all headed over to my place and the whole adventure, party thing sort of...ended? OH and we had tea! With the cake. Earlier.

You've probably noticed while reading variuos posts on this blog that I don't much care to do what the rules of grammar tell me to. I just don't see following rules when the stuff I'm writing is just pulled from thin air to begin with. It's kind of sad. English is one of my strong suits, and you don't see it here. On this blog.

Too bad for you, MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! And today I went back to the mall area to check on all the places i dropped off applications to and haven't gotten accepted into (Lame!) and really enjoyed myself, because it was something I haven't done at all in the last few weeks (If you missed the sarcasm, it actually is something I've done in the past few weeks, and quite frequently. Like every-other day. It totally blows). But what doesn't blow is the secret menu at Jamba Juice. I'd previously ordered and mentioned the Thank You Jesus, which is really quite good, but today I ordered a White Gummy Bear (it's the only gummy race they serve, I'm thinking about suing for gummy racism), and it was pretty good. It's a weeeeee bit sweet. But pretty good.

On other news, I had two bars of chocolate from Vampire.com with me from school that I'd kept very well preserved (had trouble with the wrappers, they got water on them T_T), and on Saturday I gifted one for two reasons: I like sharing, it makes me happy and fills a void from a part of my childhood I can't remember, AND I didn't have time to buy a pineapple, although, if you know me, it's pretty safe to assume that I still would have gifted the chocolate with the pineapple. So now I only have the one bar left (this isn't a bad thing), and I can't wait to eat it!!!!! I've tried on several occasions to eat it, but it just turns into the same situation as when I try to eat an apple fritter. Every time I pick up the chocolate bar, I get ready to open it, an I burst into a fit of romantic song directed at the chocolate bar, while waltzing around the kitchen, and it all ends with me putting it back in the fridge, and slowly closing the door while warbling out the last notes of song. It's very aggravating. I want my chocolate bar! It's that simple! I mean, I'll be honest, I don't dislike singing My Little to a chocolate bar, and I definitely am not against doing the waltz at any time, but the whole "I don't get to actually eat the chocolate bar", well, it kind of pisses me off.

Ok, well I just stumbumelled don the stairs here at home...again. Not THAT does piss me off. Over the last year, I've had more and more occasions of getting dizzy for no reason and falling (making me a very fun target for klutzy people, the haters). Don't get me wrong, I never get hurt falling down the stairs, not in years, I do it all the time actually and I'm pretty good at the whole "landing" bit of it, and keeping my neck away form the actual stairs. I've even been known to do it on purpose. But when it's not on purpose it's really irritating. Of ALL the times I do get dizzy, most of them line up with walking, being near 'poky' objects (i.e. the fricken blackberries in the yard), the stair case, and very hard objects. I think it has something to do with the never ending headache, and the nose bleeds. Others think that it's because I don't pay attention. Honestly, it's probably a bit of the latter. But ONLY a bit. Speaking of all that, I'm supposed to have had a cat scan like 8 months ago...I totally forgot. Oh well, the school Dr. should have emailed me like I asked, aye?

Oh, today I also did some more work on two ongoing projects I have. One is a wood ring, made out of ebony, and hopefully will turn out pretty ultra awesome (or just really stupid looking), and the other is a shell pendant for my aunt, which should almost definitely turn out, ehh, pretty good. I need a much more specific Dremel bit for what I'm trying to do, this whole mix-and-match stuff isn't working as well. (Jewelry is my thing, woot.)

Finally: I went to FYE today to see if I had enough money for the VNV Nation concert...no. Oh well, maybe after next week or something! I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope!!!!!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeh!!!!!

Alright, well I'll leave you with something good then I'll check out and do my thing. So, what to leave you with? Pictures? No. A poem? Don't have time. Art work? mehh, you have to be super special to be part of that (so if you are part of it, you can consider yourself super special). Hmmm......Oh! I know!

Here:

http://twiturm.com/pdsr - 'Seeming Reflection', by Moonbeam

http://twiturm.com/p7xd - 'Beloved', by VNV Nation

http://twiturm.com/whgd - 'As It Fades', by VNV Nation

Cheers,

-Shadow of Light

As Night Descends Upon the City

2009-06-05T22:15:00.001-07:00

...the streets are cold, the lights go by.

Yes, more lyrics. But they're such good lyrics. They'd have to be, they're from VNV Nation (if you didn't know). If you've read pretty much any good chuck of this blog with intent, I'm sure you've heard the name a fewtimes, hopefully looked it up if it wasn't new to you, and are probably living a life with more fulfillment. But wait, there's more, if you read this post all the way through, you'll find another path to a nearly completed life. And if you don't...well, then the music discussed clearly isn't a guiding light in your life, and you should seek something else. Religion maybe? Television? Art (not a bad choice)? Relationships? Food? Whatever works best for you. After all, it's your life right? Why should you take my word that something might change your life for the better, even if it is ridiculously awesome, right?

Now on to life changing music info? Not yet. Maybe the next paragraph. This paragraph is for fun stuff I've done since the last post, and come across. Kind of like that new Heineken commercial dealing with walk in closets and the differences between men and women. It's one of the funniest things I've seen this year. Now stuff I've done since the last post...umm, well I went back to the DNA Lounge, and it was still cool, but the music this time wasn't as consistently awesome, but there were songs in the selection that pretty much explode the definition of awesomeness. 'Bullet' and 'Call the Ships to Port' by Covenant - Ships we danced to of course, it jut had to be done. Some other pretty awesome songs that I can't at this moment remember. 'Nemesis' by VNV Nation, but played very early in the night (third song or so) and didn't have the audience impact that it deserved. It was really kind of sad, the song played and there were maybe 25 people in the entire club at the time. It hurt, it hurt bad. But at the same time, the song itself has this really powerful, soul-healing aura - so it worked out. Fun times. And on Wed, I went with a friend and his friend and his friend's friend (yes, it is that complicated) and we went to a hookah lounge in SF on Geary - and it was pretty awesome. You get to know people really well when you're all sitting at the same table for six hours trying to get the others to choke on the hookah from laughing (easier said than done, and totally worth it). And, being that it was a Mediterranean restaurant, we were surprised with an unscheduled belly-dance performance, which was also quite interesting. All-in-all, a fun day that ended at Denny's for late night food. And a special thanks to http://johnroscigno.com for helping me make up for getting directions to a hookah lounge that no longer exists.

Life changing music info - VNV Nation's Reformation 1, Limited Edition, 2 Disk, Special Edition, Uber Awesome, Blow Your Mind, Esplosion of Awesomeness! Yes! It's true, I now own the set that has been available for about half a month, and I pretty much squealed with joy as I listened to Joy live on the first disk, and can't help but smiling every time I hear Ronan Harris' voice. Listening to VNV live is probably my second favourite thing to hear, and quite possibly my first, but there are still some things I like hearing and haven't rated yet. And (cute gorilla baby on CBS news right now), I will admit that this probably isn't life changing if your life hasn't already been changed by the Eternal Flame (see the VNV logo), but if you have seen the almighty and awesome light (half-joking here of course), then you need to get your hands on this incredible album, and experience the audible baptism of your soul again (totally joking here...kind of), because you really, really should. You'll feel cleansed, pure, sanctified, renewed, christened, de-sinned, reborn, born, born anew, born again, and most importantly: "set aflame and cast free, from this wretched world of tethers".

Alright, now that I've told you how to find new life, and cleanse yourself: I get to go on about the album! Ad Infinitum!!! OMG!!! Leave now if you're bored, stay if you're interested or like to read me talk. It's true, you are literally reading me talk. See, I talk while I type this, so everything has a sound effect in my mind and in text, and when I re-read these blogs, I remember the audio track I created and I experience the entire experience over again. OMG!!! I just finished the first disk (live tracks), and the first song alone on the second disk (remixes/unreleased) is pretty much as awesome as clubbing with Jesus Christ, Ronan Harris, The Pope, Peter Stormare, Liv Tyler, Ghandi, Zeus, Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, and the Virgin Mary. It's that epically awesome! My soul can't handle it, it's just too 'Awesome'. That's right, the noun 'awesome'. Like the type of awesome used to describe God. I feel really holy right now - despite the borderline blasphemy in this post. Ok, it's really super incredible, but I want to share more of the live disk with you. Let me start by saying it has no "new" tracks, as in nothing you won't have come across unreleased on other albums, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have new material. For example, the song 'Honour' - originally, a song I really love, BUT, then it was released live on Pastperfect, and I loved it even more, BUT, then a remix was released on the same album, 'Honour 2003', and there was day and there was night, the third track, BUT, then this album came out and 'Honour 2003', my favourite still, was released live. I honestly had a tear of Joy. BUT (I know!!!, there's more awesomeness!!!!!!), not only did this version totally kick physical and metaphysical STERNUM (inside joke), it started out with a quote from Franklin Delano Roosevelt's speech, I Hate War, which in itself , sums up the entire theme and motive of the song so incredibly, I wondered how the track itself could further esplode my mind in it's Faith-Power and Glory. The full quote portion from the speech is as follows:

I have seen war.

I have seen war on land and sea.

I have seen blood running from the wounded.

I have seen men coughing out their gassed lungs.

I have seen the dead in the mud.

I have seen cities destroyed.

I have seen two hundred limping exhausted men come out of line

- the survivors of a regiment of one thousand that went forward forty-eight hours before.

I have seen children starving.

I have seen the agony of mothers and wives.

I hate war.

Yes. I know. You're mind is hurting from trying to understand the full awesomeness of this. This on it's own pretty much owns on the definitions of what I've previously thought awesome. But it was mixed with Honour 2003. NO! It was mixed with Honour 2003 LIVE!! But that's not enough for VNV Nation (in a good way), Ronan Harris asks the audience to sing the chorus during part of the song, and you hear, no, FEEL the awesome intensity of the crowd as they participate in such an epic moment. I wept. Jesus wept too. He was there, and he loved it too. It moved both of us. The Pope got teary-eyed too. Judi Dench just nodded stoically with glassy emotion-filled eyes. Peter Stormare just nodded in appreciation. Sean Connery yelled his Welsh lungs out in Joy. And to save time - everyone else passed out from the earthquake of light and sound that was caused by God hitting repeat on his godly, music player. This is all true.

Alright, well I'm still going through the album, and loving every delicious minute of it, but I would like to not have to type the entire time, plus I want to leave you time to run outside in whatever you are wearing right now (you don't have time to change), and let you get this album and enjoy it yourself. And if you do have it/get it PLEASE tell me what audience you're listening with, I'll admit, mine is a bit exclusive, and is helped a bit by lots of sugar. You do need this album though. Just for the historical references, grammar, and awesomeness. And you need to go back and re-read the parts of this post you skimmed because you missed out on probably my best use of kenning to date.

Final words:

If you should fall

If the world turns away

If it all becomes too much

If you can't take the pain

Here you have strength

Here you are safe from harm

Here you have healing

All the things you never had

-Suffer, VNV Nation

Dies Irae Veniendum Est,

-Shadow of Light

Hey! You!

2009-05-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

For once I'm not posting the title of a song as my post title. Kind of. All right, here's the thing about that - it's not the full title of a song. I found the entire play list from the main dance floor at the DNA Lounge online today, and I've been listening through it to note down the titles and artists of the songs I like. Tonight's title comes from the title of one of the Combichrist songs that played at the club: What the F**k is Wrong With You? The point made in context is pretty insightful, and it has a heavy beat that I expect from Combichrist. I'll be posting some links at the end of this post including a link to the video for the song. You should check it out, and if you don't like the music you can mute it and watch the video while thinking about the title. Same end result. You owe it to yourself. And a Vamp, you owe yourself a Vamp too.

So right now, like I said I'm making a list of the songs that were played at the club. It's a little one-sided, seeing as I'm not putting down every song, and I also skipped ahead about thirty minutes into the play list because I was looking for one in particular, and my frame of reference was based off of VNV Nation's 'Standing'. So far I've catalogued 11 songs, and I'm working on a 12th and I've only gone through an hour and a half of 5 hours of music. It's not really difficult, but when you're trying to hear the music through earbuds while someone else has the TV on really loud and is talking to you and not paying attention to the fact that you can't hear them, but insist on making you listen to what they have to say no matter how rudely they need to interrupt you...well, it's quite time consuming. For example - it took me the last five minutes to re-listen to the same fifteen words over and over again to figure out that the title of the Suicide Commando song playing was 'Love Breeds Suicide'. *Sigh*

So that's my new hobby for a while - making a list of music...to give to you...on here. Speaking of music though (if you ever get tired of my music rants, please see a much more concise and awesome blog: http://johnroscigno.com), I found out that the song I was originally looking for is called 'Mitternacht' and it's by E Nomine. It's one of the songs that I didn't know when I heard it, and also one of the songs that Goth-Kane looked so awesome dancing to. And it has Latin in it. I'm a sucker for industrial/electronic with Latin. I'll also be posting a link to the video for that song as well, with all the appropriate warnings and advisories to it's theme so you don't go blindly into watching it. Aren't I nice.

I also learned that I was singing the wrong lyrics to 'Night Riders' by Stromkern as well as 'Panzermensch' by And One. Good thing I don't sing loud, and good thing the music drowned me out.

I also remembered the name of one of the songs played to be 'Breathe' by Decoded Feedback, and I got the album it was on, although I'm probably going to dump most of the songs. I also got the album from E Nomine that 'Mitternacht' is on. And I learned how to say midnight in German :P

I also finally dropped off my completed app at Pasta Pomodoro today, then walked up my godawful hill for the first time in about 8 years and totally passed out on the couch. But it's all good, because I first went to Barnes and Nobles with a gift card and picked up the first issue of Azumanga Daioh. Made my day. It's well worth a look at if you: like anime, like funny jokes, realistic humor, hated high school, like cats, trust me, or want to see what high school was like if you didn't go.

Aren't you glad I kept this post short? ^_^

Oh, and here's some news you might be interested in: I'm going to be making an email address for this blog so anyone can send stuff to me, whether you just want me to see it, look into it, post it, talk about it, etc. It's going to be in cooperation with an experiment I'll be doing at the clubs and in daily life, which I'll post more on later - no point in ruining the surprise of the experiment. Who knows, maybe you can be part of it *_^

Promised links -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln0aVbWzV6s - Combichrist, What the F**k is Wrong With You? It's a heavy techno song, if that's not your genre, the song probably isn't something you want to add to your music library, but give the song itself a chance in it's message, even if it's just finding the lyrics and getting the most basic pulp of it. The video is pretty spot on though in the band's intentional message. Watch this if you see problems in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpntM6lrpQE - E Nomine, Mitternacht. It's a German song with Latin, and it's title translates to 'midnight'. Be ready for something heavy and dark. BTW, 'dark' doesn't mean evil. At least not in the context I use most of the time. I intend it to go along with what you might hear at a rave at a cemetery, or in Abby's lab on NCIS, or on the iPod of a goth ballerina....

http://cerebrum.dnalounge.com/archive/ - The website to download and listen to the May 25th play list so you can listen to what I'm listening to. I'm still working on the list, but if you get through it faster than I do, and you are having bad luck finding the info of a certain song, you can leave a comment and I'll try to get to that one in particular or you can wait until I get through it. I promise I won't leave you hanging though *_^

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

Danse Vampyr

2009-05-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

And that's just what we did. And it was awesome.

Alright, so that's not the whole story, and it's pretty open to misinterpretation. So to explain it all in it's wonderful details (details are so awesome):

Danse Vampyr - It's a pun. If you've read any of the last eleven-teen posts on this blog, you know I think in terms of music far too often. Danse Vampire is the name of a song by the band Inkubus Sukkubus, a band I'm...ehhh, a band I tolerate. I like one song. But they have good mythology behind their music, even the band name If you haven't done any researching into the mythologies involving vampires, demons, angels, and other undead or metaphysical beings, then this doesn't mean a thing to you, has absolutely no significance on your life, and you're not missing out on any life changing info. You are missing out on a ton of really interesting history and mythology and cultural connections, however. But it's not more important than this blog, unlike many other things, so please, finish this before going to start research. You'll be more prepared for it too.

The other half of the pun is in reference to two things: Me specifically, been called a vampire since high school. But more importantly, it refers to the shirts that my friend and I were wearing to the DNA Lounge last night. We were wearing Vamp N.R.G. shirts. To be honest, I've forgotten if I've mentioned this...incredible, smooth, rich, full-bodied, drink in previous posts; but as a favor to your time I won't go into how delicious it is and how much I recommend to you to go out and place an order from Vampire.com. You should though. It's sooo worth it. You'll never be the same. You can stop reading to go do that. Here, I'll leave you a spot to pause reading and go do that. Right here: ____ (go now).

Right, so back on topic (Depeche Mode, 'Stripped' is playing on Pandora right now - a song whose lyrics offer something we might want to think about in today's fast-paced, self-serving world). So there we are, DNA Lounge, wearing Vamp shirts, and of course we were there for the goth/industrial theme, although admittedly more industrial than goth. Music was...oh, I can't begin to tell you how good it was. Not necessarily good all the way through, but that's expected, but still, just amazingly....profoundly...insatiably good. Way better than the other club, something I said repeatedly and loudly as we left the club (Decoded Feedback, 'Breathe' playing on Pandora - dark, heavy). We got there, listened to some good songs, including VNV Nation's 'Standing' original version (OMG!!!! I love all VNV, but Standing is one of my many favourites, and my primary ring tone). They also played some good Combichrist, some God Module, a song or two from Funker Vogt, and a song that I just now remember the title of, 'Breathe' by Decoded Feedback. Yes, it's mentioned directly above this, which is why I remember it now. Go figure. I sang the lyrics last night, but could not remember the title. Oh, and as we left the club, 'I'd Like to Thank my Buddies' by Combichrist was booming in the lower level. Awesome.

So that was the general line of music playing, I'm sure I've forgotten some other amazing songs and artists, but my memory is kind of foggy Right now, and after two clubs, I can't remember which played which. I'm sure there was some Depeche Mode in there somewhere too though.

So we arrived. Sat and watched the dance floor while we let a sushi dinner settle. Then we got up, I went upstairs and watched over the balcony at the dance floor while my friends danced, and learned through observation how to dance. I also got to briefly analyze the personalities of some of the people on the dance floor as well as their totally dope wardrobes. Personality wise, it's quite fascinating, you start to develop an understanding of the people there. There's of course the guy in plaid that doesn't belong, and no matter how he dances, he just doesn't fit in. There's the large number of goth/industrial girls in plaid skirts, corsets, latex, fishnet, coloured hair, etc. and guys in similar apparel, but more manly (or actually in the exact same apparel). Then of course you have the uniques. Gothic Joe Kucan dancing on stage, knowing just how awesome he is, and how fresh-to-death his clothes are, and how totally dope his moves are, as he takes the main stage. There's also the industrial ballerina (OMG!!), the two guys both clad with the same logo from a delicious drink on their shirts, the industrial ballerina, the techno pirate man (with combat boots), the guy with the four foot ponytail, the unbelievably amazing industrial clad ballerina, and the green glow stick man. Alright, you caught me, the highlight of my night was the ballerina doing point in a black latex tutu. Not specifically because she was attractive, actually not even mostly - she was the only person doing an arranged and formulated dance, she was clearly fully trained in ballet (don't know if she was a prima ballerina or not, but definitely good at it), and she was doing full-on ballet to heavy industrial music - I have an incredible amount of respect for her. Plus I like ballet, so mixing it with industrial and techno was something I hadn't ever thought about, but I feel I could use it in some of my concepts and future work as a designer. And no, I'm not just saying I like ballet because of her - I was raised on classical music, and found I liked industrial and techno more often, but I also found a place in my head for some opera (although I'm really picky), and classic instrumental music.

So I watched people, I learned how to dance (or more specifically that I didn't need to learn how), and then we hung out in the lounge area and listened to some different music. And then we did what we just had to do - we hit up the lounge dance floor. If you haven't danced at a club: I recommend it. The music was awesome, and I apparently wasn't terrible at dancing, seeing as I wasn't left alone on the floor, plus to be honest - no one really cares how good or poorly you dance, just have fun, worst case scenario: pretend you're drunk. We ran into a little issue with three of us and two set of glow sticks, but it just added to the fun of having to dance in the strobe lights and then switch off and grab one of the sets and dance with the glow sticks. I did my best to emulate the fresh-to-death moves of goth Joe Kucan, but with my own drive and I felt it worked out well. Then we left.

Yes, it was that sudden, and as tired as I was, I was super pumped, and I wanted to stay or go back, but we had thins to do, and I'm over it now (Depeche Mode, 'World in my Eyes' is playing on Pandora).

And that was the second club experience, and to be honest, probably a life-changing experience. You should go. If you're a fan of any of the music I've mentioned in this blog, or just want to try something fun to experiment or because it seems like something you would do - Monday's DNA Lounge. Maybe I'll see you around.

More has happened since then, but not much, and nothing really awesome. I'll keep you posted.

Cheers,

Shadow of Light

She Ricochets

2009-05-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

So, again, it's been a while since my last post. I've been kind of busy, not really with work, but busy in the sense that I haven't had a whole lot of time to be on the computer blogging. I'm officially back home now, I'm unpacked so it qualifies, and so far I've had a lot of fun, and done a lot of work - I think.

Earlier this week, I went to a club with my friend and spending the day at another friend's house, and as a whole the entire day was pretty awesome. Hanging out with friends is always a plus for me, and the club was pretty awesome too. The music of course made it so much better, they played several VNV Nation songs, and a bunch of Depeche Mode songs, which my friend and I had been playing in the car the rest of the day, admittedly not the same songs, but as long as the artist plays, the details don't much matter. Some of the other songs that I recognized in the club were, Military Fashion Show, Everything You Touch, Send Me an Angel, and a some Combichrist and Wumpscut. Not all the music was great, but the music that was good was the best.

So the club was a lot of fun, and we're going to try to go to another one on Monday that I've heard plays the same good music, but more consistently. Speaking of music, since coming home, I've gotten the new Depeche Mode album, Sounds of the Universe, the NCIS soundtrack, and both of the albums by Shiny Toy Guns. STG isn't really my thing, but I don't mind them, and they have a few songs that I like for no real reason. I've been listening to Ricochet on repeat today, and for some reason, it 's just catchy. Idk, I'll form an opinion of them later. I can not wait until the new VNV album comes out next month, and I seriously need to get a job so I can get my ticket to the concert.

Speaking of jobs, that's the other thing I've been doing - walking to the mall and shopping center nearby to apply and pick up applications. Currently, it looks like my best bet is going to be at Pasta Pomodoro, because I walked in yesterday to pick up an app. and the three hostesses on staff pretty much begged me to apply and told me how to get the job. Any job that gives you three attractive points of view is worth applying. They said they needed hosts and servers, so I might also have a chance to work a lot of over time and get more money. I don't want to think of myself as greedy, but in this case, I really do want money. I want money because I would like to pay off my credit card debt created b school books, and I would like to buy the Mac I'm going o need so I can graduate college. I know, why do I need a Mac to graduate college? Because I'm a graphic designer. Plus, my computer is kind of dying. 'Kind of' is better translated into 'absolutely and epically' actually.

In other news, I got a Dremel from my mom, and I took all of her attachments for it, so I've been up to my eyeballs in sanding and cutting whatever I feel like, mostly coconut. It's easier to eat when you can drink it out of a straw. My next goal for the Dremel is to get the awesome diamond blade, and maybe when I have more money, a Dremel I can plug in, because I really dislike how fast the battery on it dies. I sanded the fuzz off a coconut today actually, and by the time I was done, the battery was super weak. And considering I'm eventually going to be using it to do detail work and larger projects, I'm going to need more juice. I'm thinking about getting a variable speed Dremel as well, I like have more options than 1 and 2. But I like it anyways. I also learned that coconut shell is considered a hardwood. I learned this lesson when a softwood Dremel blade esploded in my face. Lucky me, I was wearing sunglasses, so I just got a cheek-full of shrapnel. Totally worth it!

Other than all of that - I'm not doing much, Genghis s growing really well, I'm still trying to see some friends and hoping to see others eventually, and enjoying a free pallet of Hansen's EnergyPRO. It's got good flavor, and it's light enough on sugar and caffeine that I can drink like five and run around in a good mood.

Until more happens, I'll probably stay out of touch and be screwing around in the real world before I come back to the "nothingbettertodo" that is blogging over summer break.

^_^ Cheers,

Shadow of Light