I've been away for far too long. I'm sorry. But it was necessary. End of the semester along with a break in sanity is not a great time to be spending time ranting on the internet. But the semester is finished, and finals are complete. Sanity is still...well I don't really know. I try to clear my mind, I try to clear my heart, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Over the last month I've found bits of lots of things in both. Partly because of the time of year, partly because of circumstances in life, but either way - I have more ghosts and demons than usual.
Christmas: some people love it, some people hate it. Some people celebrate family, some people try and get through with it all because spending an entire day with all your relatives and having them bring up every thing you've done wrong 'out of love' is just too much. I'm...I don't much like this holiday, not because I feel that Christmas is wrong or that I don't like celebrating it, but this is a season to remember thing's I'd rather not. Not easy when you have a physical reminder marring your flesh. We all have a time to live, and we all live for peace. Well I had it, and thanks to love and friendship I lost it. Here's to the season of bitterness, and to hopes that I don't have to wait as long as everyone says. And for those opposed who 'care', please please please, let me be next time.
But time passes. Floats around us. Does bugger all. Yay time.
Christmas is the time of Joy. Hope. Forgiveness and the new year. New life. New birth. But it's also the time we burn each other the most. We don't deserve it. We don't need to tear ourselves further to bits over petty shit. So so pointless. Everything.
I want a moment of peace. I want to have the black. Cold and numb, everything is gone. Sit in nothingness and be nothing. I want to stop wondering, about what I'm doing, where I am, who I am. I want to escape myself for an eternity and never come back to all this, never com back to watching pain and knowing nothing. To seeing people torn apart and just watching, wanting to step in, to comfort, to say something that fixes it all. But I don't. It's just too much of who I was years ago and not who I am now.
The angel who stood by your side, watched over you, protected you under my wings. Still haven't left your side, still keeping my promise, but it's been so long now, there's not much left of that. Broken wings, still protecting, but no longer any comfort. Just a shadow of something great, nothing like the great creatures I see around you.
Haha, always strange explaining that away. "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing. The wall."
....On crazy people:
Right. So news: finished the semester, had one last gathering with good people at apu, drove up with Ellen and Kathryn, did christmas shopping, saw Rosales (I'm not home until I've seen friends), and now spending time with my aunt until xmas parties. Then a few days without internet, then back home for new years and hopefully to see the other Horsemen, then god-knows-what until I have to go back to socal.
Spent about an hour tonight making some magic decks because we started playing at school. We do figure out ways to waste our time. And oh, how we waste it.
I'm truly very sorry. Don't know if it matters. Don't know what else to say. Don't know why I'm saying it. Sorry if it's seemed as though I've been lost to you I guess. But I never left. I never do. Always, always there. It's the only thing I know, the only place where I know what to do completely.
Grab onto that last ember before it goes out and just run. Burns like hell, scars badly, but somehow I feel that something's finally right. Something in the pain reminds me I'm alive to feel something. The scar goes with all the others, but this one I'll remember, because this one is me. Hahahaha, and a fire in my eyes. Good timing of musical lyrics.
Listening to Pride and Fall. Got me through last xmas break when I was working in the factory, listened to My Little on my way to work each day. Now it's Adored to try and remember all that's burned away since...i can't even remember how long it's been. too long.
*sigh*
soon to be 10 years. I think I can prove them wrong though, I think I can pull it off this year. So that's MY new years resolution - finish it by the end of 2010. Against it? Stop me. I need a challenge. Time to fly again.
Haha ^_^
To the darkened skies once more, and ever onward.
-Umbra Obscura
